Last night was a typical night.... put baby to bed, kids down for the night. Brian and I taking a moment to download a long day. Seinfeld, and some snuggling...
Then..... A loud scream, pounding, no more then 5 inches from my head. Please help me, he's after me! please HELP me, LET ME IN, HE'S COMING. It took me roughly 3 seconds to shout come to the door, Who are you, are you ok? She crawled up our stairs, crawled into our door, Brian grabbed her as she screamed, My baby, My baby, He still has my baby! I was on the phone to 911 as Josh took her to the bathroom.. I was screaming get Oz in the car, Chauni was up by now.. Crying, screaming, praying....... 911 dispatch. "Martina whats her name?" "I don't know", Where does she live? "I don't know," I don't know anything, She is bleeding, screaming, she can't speak.. Just whimpers, Please help me, my baby..... Brian, Martina get in the car, get the kids in the car now.. She starts screaming again, He's coming he is going to kill you all, EVERYONE OF YOU, GET OUT, GET OUT NOW! Brian screams STOP, Don't go outside, turn off the lights.... Brian I have to get the kids out now..... She is on our floor screaming, bleeding.....I struggle w/ getting down there praying w/ her holding her... Comforting her, a million things are running through my mind.... I can't help her Brian has to help her I have to get my kids out now...
Brian, I am going out there I have to see if he is there.. We have to get into the car NOW!
Police are on their way maybe 5 minutes out... "Martina, Go now, I will send the kids, Josh will hold Oz, Chauni goes after mom. We got this! I love you, Brian, I am soo scared.. What if he is out there? Just run Martina... I laugh out loud, Me run, We're in for it now!
I get to the car, no Crazy man W a gun yet.. I hear Brian push Chauni out.. Chauni is in Oz and Josh next... Oz in... Josh coming around to the front
passenger side..... Ok Ok Ok.. Lock the doors we are on our way.. Oh God protect Brian, Keep him safe please God......
Chauni... "Mom, MOM", Where are we going...
Crap! I don't know.. I call 911. My Children and I have left the house. Brian and screaming woman are still there lights are out, Please hurry.....
911, Go to the end of your road, Stay there until you see the police.. No problem, I can do that....
11:00 p.m. Waiting at the end of the road Police drive right past us.. SHIT SHIT SHIT! Man, Crap.... HELLO..... He turns around..... Get to the otherside of the road Martina, Stay put.... Please hurry, Does the gun man know where his wife is.. No... I Don't think so... My husband is down there, Please hurry.. I musta said that a million times.. In My head and out loud.... God Help us.... God help that baby, comfort that woman..... Protect these officers... 9 Cop cars 2 emergency rigs....
God what is happening? I can't see hear anything..... It is soo dark.... Oz is running out of milk, Chauni is in the back comforting him. Josh and I are trying to just relax, listen to music.... midnight..... one o'clock.... two o'clock.....
Oz is now crying the kids are tired still nothing... Brian gets me on the cell, She is still at the house Police are there now.. They all parked at the end of the road and walked in a line through the woods down the road.... Brian didn't see or hear anything until there where 5 fully armored men on our porch. Lights out... stay put... We have to secure the area. I call Brian... I can't get through.. I am so scared...... Josh finally gets through... the house phone was ringing busy.. It never rings busy... I can't breath very well.. They can't find the baby, they can't find the man.... What they just left you there? Are they fricking crazy...... Shit... Breath, Pray..... Brian, I love you...Please don't be a hero.... Please Just stay in the house....
Martina, I love you, I love the kids....... Tell them I love them.... Everything is going to be ok........
I hear him comfort Holly. She is crying softly now, My baby, My baby..... Somebody bring me my baby.... He is going to kill him...... She told Brian the story...
She got home, He was drunk already... really drunk...... She wanted to leave... he hit her a few times scream awful things...... Smashed her face w/ the butt of a gun..... smashed her cell phone, pulled the house phone from the wall and destroyed the power box..... The baby started screaming, She got free, ran, ran as fast as she could... Through the woods.... The first house she came to, no one was home she broke a window to get in.. Couldn't get in.. Saw our T.V. light through the woods.....
3:15 a.m. Kids are getting restless, Oz is crying, he is outta milk.. My wallet is in the house so are my shoes.. Every ones Shoes....
I call Brian, Whats going on? Police have taken the girl... Taken her to the end of the road in the Emergency rig.... Brain is tired, but ok... Now we wait... There is many places for this man to hide on our property... on his... Everywhere in between.. Men w/ guns everywhere.... Just wait Martina..
3:30 undercover SUV w/ two men and a baby..... Oh Thank you Lord... Oh God, Thank you soo much...
Martina, You can go home now, We have the man in custody... The baby boy is sleeping and ok...
We drive home slowly.... Tired but safe..... Get Oz calmed down, Chauni won't sleep alone.. Wants to sleep w/ us.. Josh is going to watch a cartoon, to relax...
I climb into bed Oz isn't tired... Chauni won't stop talking.. Brian is falling fast..... I close my eyes..... I start to dream instantly.. But it is tormenting and awful from the moment my eyes close.... I remember I was running though some side streets, Kenny was chasing me, He caught me, smashed my face up against a window.. I saw a man, I knew the man, Please let me in... He is going to kill me, please help me.. He never let me in, he did call the cops.. They did come and save me , but not before the shit was kicked outta me.... I had forgotten about that.... a wave of past memories flooding my thoughts.... So many nightmares from our past.. So much the kids recall that I thought they had forgotten, or never even knew happened.... Now another moment, a shift in our ever moving forward healing....
This has opened up communication w/ both the kids about the abuse they saw. The abuse Josh couldn't save me or Chauni from... God I know it's time to peel yet another layer..... Keep me strong, Help me not to run away from these demons that still capture parts of my mind and my children's thoughts.....Heal us, protect us.. Thank you for Brian, strong and fearless.... Protecting me, our children, our home...... We have come so far..... We are not afraid.. Bless this women and her baby boy.. Bring comfort to them..... Thank you for this time.. To see your hand moving in our life's...
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Sadness~
I struggled to sleep the night before the election.. Staying up praying for Obama and his family for the loss of his grandmum... I prayed that the man I choose to vote for was the man God would have me vote for... I prayed for the comfort if this man didn't win.. Reflection of the future if he indeed lost. So here this morning w/ a heavy heavy heart I look into the world I don't know, seeing people in a new light..... I am not angry that a Black man won the Election... For that it is wonderful..... I am sad because as a Nation we have choose to look @ issues that have lit the darkness causing us to focus on the shadows instead of issues I believe that will fix our economy. When this Nation gets right w/ what God has said, When we humble ourselves and draw the line in the sand... When we say enough is enough.... That is when the Blessing of our Father will fall....
Please hear me when I say, I am far far far from perfect.. I don't hold any answers. There are many thing in my life I need to submit to the Lord.... I have friends, a very close friend, who is gay... I love him so much, I don't want to say the wrong thing... Offence is an awful thing to cause and get over.... I struggle w/ conversations that he and I have about his life.. I want to just love him and excuse the rest.. I know what I am supposed to say, I however don't know how to say it.
I want my children to have compassion for everyone.. Gays, straight, black people, some white people. I am not blind nor am I deaf... I see and hear where this world is going.... Tolerance is not a bad word, but I think it is being redefined because it has been made to sound like a bad word this election. God I know your hand is in this.. I know You and You alone see tomorrow... Allow me to see what you see... Bring comfort where there is non and remind me that I stand firm in your Shadow....
Please hear me when I say, I am far far far from perfect.. I don't hold any answers. There are many thing in my life I need to submit to the Lord.... I have friends, a very close friend, who is gay... I love him so much, I don't want to say the wrong thing... Offence is an awful thing to cause and get over.... I struggle w/ conversations that he and I have about his life.. I want to just love him and excuse the rest.. I know what I am supposed to say, I however don't know how to say it.
I want my children to have compassion for everyone.. Gays, straight, black people, some white people. I am not blind nor am I deaf... I see and hear where this world is going.... Tolerance is not a bad word, but I think it is being redefined because it has been made to sound like a bad word this election. God I know your hand is in this.. I know You and You alone see tomorrow... Allow me to see what you see... Bring comfort where there is non and remind me that I stand firm in your Shadow....
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
old friends, memories... life....
Soo Soo long since I have written anything...
Too Sad... Too Lazy..... Too Everything...
My surgery is coming so fast now... Soon..... I am wanting... waiting... wishing.... wondering..
I have not written in so long, I guess for many reasons... I am not to keen on just "bitching" in a constant stream on paper.. What a drag to have to read a bunch af blahblahblah's. I will, however, leave a small bowl of reason for future reflection.
Home schooling Josh takes from me things I am not sure I am willing to concede. Chauni and her working has been a treat, on the flip side driving her does drain my tank, gas and body..
Oz is growing, changing so much... The more he grows, the more I feel inadequate to be his mother.. I have, as time has past, become a better mother in so many forms.. I however, can't play w/ him at almost any level. My back pain comes and goes, with it a heavy ache in my spirit. I suppose shame is the best word to describe my feelings.... I am so ready for this surgery.. Tonight I have my sleep test I am excited to get it over w/ then my last weigh in on monday and that will be it. All goes to the insurance company to be reviewed and approved!
On to my kitchen.. I have a sink now moved to another wall, giving me a wonderful window..I also have four recycling bins hidden away, but totally accessible oh my I am very happy about my bins... Josh thinks he is funny putting glass in the plastic and newspaper in the tin.... I don't like him.. Although it is funny to see the joy he receives by torturing me.I still don't have my dinning room back.
Too Sad... Too Lazy..... Too Everything...
My surgery is coming so fast now... Soon..... I am wanting... waiting... wishing.... wondering..
I have not written in so long, I guess for many reasons... I am not to keen on just "bitching" in a constant stream on paper.. What a drag to have to read a bunch af blahblahblah's. I will, however, leave a small bowl of reason for future reflection.
Home schooling Josh takes from me things I am not sure I am willing to concede. Chauni and her working has been a treat, on the flip side driving her does drain my tank, gas and body..
Oz is growing, changing so much... The more he grows, the more I feel inadequate to be his mother.. I have, as time has past, become a better mother in so many forms.. I however, can't play w/ him at almost any level. My back pain comes and goes, with it a heavy ache in my spirit. I suppose shame is the best word to describe my feelings.... I am so ready for this surgery.. Tonight I have my sleep test I am excited to get it over w/ then my last weigh in on monday and that will be it. All goes to the insurance company to be reviewed and approved!
On to my kitchen.. I have a sink now moved to another wall, giving me a wonderful window..I also have four recycling bins hidden away, but totally accessible oh my I am very happy about my bins... Josh thinks he is funny putting glass in the plastic and newspaper in the tin.... I don't like him.. Although it is funny to see the joy he receives by torturing me.I still don't have my dinning room back.
Friday, August 1, 2008
I think I'll drink wine~
This weekend is the weekend we have set aside to clean the, well you might call it a yard if you define"yard" as the area in front of your dwelling. We have chaos and clutter. I am starting to look like I live at my parents house.. The old stories are true.. Up here in Ak remodeling seems to go on forever.... My kitchen is a wreck my dinning room floor is insane and Don't even get me started on the damn pluming... I want the yard done this weekend. If it kills all involved I really don't care at this point. We have the new fence that Brian got a few months ago and it is still in several piles through out the field of shit.. Josh has his broke down 4 wheeler and the two snow machines just hanging out like there is going to be snow any day. Brian has the boat in the drive way like we have the money to go put her in the river.. Who am I kidding that boat has been in the same spot since last summer when he used it.. This family has something new coming and momma ain't happy! For the last two years I have let everything slide, my house work included... I'm sick and damn tired of all this clutter and chaos! Someone is going down and it's not going to be me!
We get our furniture today after Brian gets off work. I am excited about that.. It's not new but I hear it is nice, I haven't seen it. I am hoping that it doesn't look like crap!
Ok yesterday I had about 350 calories all day.. I did get my water in.. I am sure it is because we really need to go shopping and there just wasn't anything to eat.. Brian and Chauni did do a little shopping yesterday before they came home from work.. So needless to say, I ate like a damn pig... No really I am sure if you would have seen me you might have even gotten sick!
ribs from the deli
two pieces of sushi
handful of grapes
2 veg rice paper wrapped
4 jo jos
3 cinnamon twist (Brian got for Oz)
1 1/2 cup vanilla ice cream
I was so sick! Uggh~
Off to clean frig and make marinade for the Salmon I am smoking Sunday~
We get our furniture today after Brian gets off work. I am excited about that.. It's not new but I hear it is nice, I haven't seen it. I am hoping that it doesn't look like crap!
Ok yesterday I had about 350 calories all day.. I did get my water in.. I am sure it is because we really need to go shopping and there just wasn't anything to eat.. Brian and Chauni did do a little shopping yesterday before they came home from work.. So needless to say, I ate like a damn pig... No really I am sure if you would have seen me you might have even gotten sick!
ribs from the deli
two pieces of sushi
handful of grapes
2 veg rice paper wrapped
4 jo jos
3 cinnamon twist (Brian got for Oz)
1 1/2 cup vanilla ice cream
I was so sick! Uggh~
Off to clean frig and make marinade for the Salmon I am smoking Sunday~
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Kalidiscope of feelings
I don't want to write today. To be honest I haven't wanted to write in a long time.. So unlike me.. I have a writers spirit.. I have been writing for so many years... Whats wrong w/ me?
Oh Who cares!
I want to sleep.. Sleep Sleep!
My diet is going good! Drag writing everything down... I always forget.. but I am getting about 1000 calories in a day... I am watching everything... I need to up my water.. I don't know whats wrong! I am rebellious I hear...
I want to go outside and the rain just keeps falling.. Today is the first sun we have seen in weeks really... I want to go plant... I miss my flowers, My garden, my house plants! Seems though when you're broke those things are last on the list and what a bummer that is!
Josh and I are ripping out pantry's today both of them taking the wall down and pulling the cabinets off the kitchen walls.. We are getting ready to tile that wall. I hope to have a new sink by the end of next month... Brian is starting the bar/ island this weekend! I can't wait for that. A new range hood.. I will be tiling the counter top on the bar and island this really great pattern that Pat sent over w/ all the tiles he gave us! the kitchen might just be down before the snow flies In all that remodeling we have to go fishing this weekend.. I still haven't gotten enough to can for the winter... What a drag.. I still haven't made all the jams for winter either.. Just never enough time.. I hate that I can't move very well. I hate that most of all...
Surgery can't come fast enough at this point!
I am going to go to sleep now.. Oz is taking a nap I might get to sleep before he wakes up!
Later~
Oh Who cares!
I want to sleep.. Sleep Sleep!
My diet is going good! Drag writing everything down... I always forget.. but I am getting about 1000 calories in a day... I am watching everything... I need to up my water.. I don't know whats wrong! I am rebellious I hear...
I want to go outside and the rain just keeps falling.. Today is the first sun we have seen in weeks really... I want to go plant... I miss my flowers, My garden, my house plants! Seems though when you're broke those things are last on the list and what a bummer that is!
Josh and I are ripping out pantry's today both of them taking the wall down and pulling the cabinets off the kitchen walls.. We are getting ready to tile that wall. I hope to have a new sink by the end of next month... Brian is starting the bar/ island this weekend! I can't wait for that. A new range hood.. I will be tiling the counter top on the bar and island this really great pattern that Pat sent over w/ all the tiles he gave us! the kitchen might just be down before the snow flies In all that remodeling we have to go fishing this weekend.. I still haven't gotten enough to can for the winter... What a drag.. I still haven't made all the jams for winter either.. Just never enough time.. I hate that I can't move very well. I hate that most of all...
Surgery can't come fast enough at this point!
I am going to go to sleep now.. Oz is taking a nap I might get to sleep before he wakes up!
Later~
Sunday, July 27, 2008
exit weekend~
A long weekend finally comes to a close.. Ive been @ work since Thursday. Sunday is almost over and I got home this morning.. Brian went fishing w/ his brother and some friends today.. No fish! How the hell do you go fishing in the fishing capital of the world and not bring home any damn fish! I think there was a golf game involved~ I'll never know cuz he'll never tell... Oh Well Josh is home from his mission trip and i will be sure to get fish all week from him!!! I haven't seen Chauni yet they have been home since Thursday but I was doing over nights @ work so I didn't get to see her . She has been @ the church since she came home.. I kinda miss the turd! I saw Josh this morning he stayed home from church this a.m. We had a nice morning, then he was off to church and then fishing after... Just Oz and I the rest of the day... Ok..
I went to Anchorage this week and say my wl Dr. Well his nurse, and had my nut Doc Appt.. Everything went very well.. I am proud to say that she said I am perfect for this surgery. She was great and reassured me over and over that I will succeed. The scale there said I gained 2 lbs.. I was pissed, but the nurse said not to worry about it that it could be anything most likely water weight... Oh Well! They also said that I need to start taking insulin again at least until after my surgery.. I have to call and make an appt w/ the sleep Dr. this week, Then just a count down until November!
Work was good.. I get a little tired and lifting Tiff Doesn't do my back any good, but it was just for this weekend and I made 250 bucks so cool beans!
I am tired I will write more tomorrow!
I went to Anchorage this week and say my wl Dr. Well his nurse, and had my nut Doc Appt.. Everything went very well.. I am proud to say that she said I am perfect for this surgery. She was great and reassured me over and over that I will succeed. The scale there said I gained 2 lbs.. I was pissed, but the nurse said not to worry about it that it could be anything most likely water weight... Oh Well! They also said that I need to start taking insulin again at least until after my surgery.. I have to call and make an appt w/ the sleep Dr. this week, Then just a count down until November!
Work was good.. I get a little tired and lifting Tiff Doesn't do my back any good, but it was just for this weekend and I made 250 bucks so cool beans!
I am tired I will write more tomorrow!
Saturday, July 19, 2008
WOo HOOo I love my PCP!
Ok There is so much to tell, But for now I will stick to the best... I lost another 4 lbs.. I'm not sure how... I've eaten more then my far share of 3 musketeers this last week... I never, let me say that again.. NEVER.. Eat candy bars, I am not a sweets fat person.. I am a bread and pasta fat person.. Something went well... somewhere...... I have been averaging a 4 lb weight lose for 2 months now a pound a week.. I'll take it slow and steady till my surgery.. Showing that I am trying.... I got a call from the daycare center yesterday... Come on in and fill out the paperwork.. I didn't even have an interview. I used to work w/ the owner and the other girl that works there and they want me! How exciting is that. It makes me feel proud and good about myself....It's been a few years since I have even seen the owner and she heard I had a baby and didn't want to work outside the house because of Oz and When she needed someone they thought of me.. I can take Oz he can make new friends and I'll be bringing in some money which I haven't done in over a year and 1/2. Well then Gail called, She needed me to come stay at her house for the weekend and take care of Tiff... I used to take care of Tiff When I worked in in home health care. I had Tiff as a client for 5 years and love her very much... Gail is one of my best friends in the world. So of course I said yes... Her house is not Oz proof so that can get a little trying, watching him and Tiff... He hasn't let me feed him for months but when I feed Tiff he gets mad! It is funny!
I need to go take a shower.. I have a reprieve from Gail's house for a few hours and have come home to get some things and check my email... I still need to upload a vid to you tube but I don't have time now. It will have to wait..
I wanted to talk about my Dc. appt yesterday..
I feel so good... My pcp was gone so I saw the other one which let me tell you she and her nurse are GREAT. I love them both.... They make me feel so good about myself.. They are excited about my surgery and about my weight loss.. My other PcP is grumpy and busy and her nurse is too!I like Al my nurse though even tho he is always grumpy.. Anyway, My blood pressure is perfect.. My everything is going well.. I didn't tell her I had a sleep attack the other night.. I forgot and I didn't tell her about my low blood sugar either.. It was just for a weigh in.. I will go in next week if I can find some time and try to get another fasting sugar... I know something is wrong, If I don't eat when I should every few hours I start to shake and feel like I am going to pass out... Completely different from, the huge headaches I get when my blood sugar is too high... Something weird going on for sure, I just can't figure it out by myself yet. I loved going to the Dr. I love that I am still losing weight even just 4 lbs!
I got my brother sister person from Allison yesterday.. It's Amy from you tube I love her, I am glad I got her.. I just saw one of her vids and her son makes me soo soo happy what a completely perfect little guy he is! I will have to send her something this week!
I still have not sent Dee's damn gift, Why is it soo stinking hard for me to go to the damn post office. I will get it out this week if it is the last damn thing I do!!!!!!
Ok I had big plans this weekend for Operation Make Love to my Man, the teens being gone and all, But NOW crap I am staying at Gail's all weekend So dang be to me.... I will have to get creative this week before the teens get back..
It looks like we might have to cancel this weeks trip to Anchorage again.... Depends on Bri boss and the house issues.. I hope we don't I really really want to go! And If I cancel again I don't know if I will get into trouble.. YIKES!!!!
ok that's it for now!
I need to go take a shower.. I have a reprieve from Gail's house for a few hours and have come home to get some things and check my email... I still need to upload a vid to you tube but I don't have time now. It will have to wait..
I wanted to talk about my Dc. appt yesterday..
I feel so good... My pcp was gone so I saw the other one which let me tell you she and her nurse are GREAT. I love them both.... They make me feel so good about myself.. They are excited about my surgery and about my weight loss.. My other PcP is grumpy and busy and her nurse is too!I like Al my nurse though even tho he is always grumpy.. Anyway, My blood pressure is perfect.. My everything is going well.. I didn't tell her I had a sleep attack the other night.. I forgot and I didn't tell her about my low blood sugar either.. It was just for a weigh in.. I will go in next week if I can find some time and try to get another fasting sugar... I know something is wrong, If I don't eat when I should every few hours I start to shake and feel like I am going to pass out... Completely different from, the huge headaches I get when my blood sugar is too high... Something weird going on for sure, I just can't figure it out by myself yet. I loved going to the Dr. I love that I am still losing weight even just 4 lbs!
I got my brother sister person from Allison yesterday.. It's Amy from you tube I love her, I am glad I got her.. I just saw one of her vids and her son makes me soo soo happy what a completely perfect little guy he is! I will have to send her something this week!
I still have not sent Dee's damn gift, Why is it soo stinking hard for me to go to the damn post office. I will get it out this week if it is the last damn thing I do!!!!!!
Ok I had big plans this weekend for Operation Make Love to my Man, the teens being gone and all, But NOW crap I am staying at Gail's all weekend So dang be to me.... I will have to get creative this week before the teens get back..
It looks like we might have to cancel this weeks trip to Anchorage again.... Depends on Bri boss and the house issues.. I hope we don't I really really want to go! And If I cancel again I don't know if I will get into trouble.. YIKES!!!!
ok that's it for now!
Friday, July 18, 2008
stupid bagel and cream cheese!
I forgot I had weigh in today.... Ate a yummy bagel and cream cheese yeah there is about what a million calories! Damn it!
I need to take a shower, but here I sit watching youtube vids.. I watched April Dawn vid on her lower body lift!
CRAP.... I am bigger then her and they took off 15 lbs of skin just on her tummy! It sucks either way! Leave it and look like a freak get it cut off and have scars every where and be in some serious pain! She looked awful...
The kids haven't called... Chauni called for a moment the other day, she wasn't having much fun.. I felt bad for her.. One of the girls that went w/ the team can be well lets just say difficult. I would like to say more, but then what kind of Woman of God would I be... Sometimes it really sucks that I have to be mature and not slap spoiled, selfish, hateful brats! Trust me as mean as that sounded, I want to use some alley cat backstreet adjectives on this girl!
That said!!!!
I had a great morning w/ Pat yesterday.. Even tho she called me from my front porch to remind me that it was Thursday.. Crap where is my mind! I always enjoy her coming over.. God Bless her. I didn't clean my house I didn't take a shower, I didn't even know what day it was.... I didn't offer her tea, I didn't ask how she was.. I just talked about myself and cussed and screamed cried and laughed.... Thank God for Therapy! Home visit Therapy rocks!!!
Man Speaking of shower... I stink... How can a human body smell so bad!
Bri should be here ina few hours. I am such a slacker..... I need to make my video for youtube today. I am doing a contest.. I just don't know which one I am going to do
One of them Is "Youtube Has talent" and the other one is, "Who would you bless?"
I like both of them, but I am not sure how the youtube people will receive them..
Ugg I am just putting of the laundry and shower now.....
I'll be back w/ my update weigh in later....
I need to take a shower, but here I sit watching youtube vids.. I watched April Dawn vid on her lower body lift!
CRAP.... I am bigger then her and they took off 15 lbs of skin just on her tummy! It sucks either way! Leave it and look like a freak get it cut off and have scars every where and be in some serious pain! She looked awful...
The kids haven't called... Chauni called for a moment the other day, she wasn't having much fun.. I felt bad for her.. One of the girls that went w/ the team can be well lets just say difficult. I would like to say more, but then what kind of Woman of God would I be... Sometimes it really sucks that I have to be mature and not slap spoiled, selfish, hateful brats! Trust me as mean as that sounded, I want to use some alley cat backstreet adjectives on this girl!
That said!!!!
I had a great morning w/ Pat yesterday.. Even tho she called me from my front porch to remind me that it was Thursday.. Crap where is my mind! I always enjoy her coming over.. God Bless her. I didn't clean my house I didn't take a shower, I didn't even know what day it was.... I didn't offer her tea, I didn't ask how she was.. I just talked about myself and cussed and screamed cried and laughed.... Thank God for Therapy! Home visit Therapy rocks!!!
Man Speaking of shower... I stink... How can a human body smell so bad!
Bri should be here ina few hours. I am such a slacker..... I need to make my video for youtube today. I am doing a contest.. I just don't know which one I am going to do
One of them Is "Youtube Has talent" and the other one is, "Who would you bless?"
I like both of them, but I am not sure how the youtube people will receive them..
Ugg I am just putting of the laundry and shower now.....
I'll be back w/ my update weigh in later....
Thursday, July 17, 2008
My teens~ my life~
So much to talk about I don't even know where to start...
I'm kinda glad that right now no one reads this blog.... Seems there isn't much to write about my weight loss journey until I am closer to the time of having the surgery..
Right now in my life so much has been brewing...
My kids have been gone for a few days now.. It's nice to have it quite.. I think I am ready for them to start their new lives as young adults soon. I am soo excited for their future..
Six months ago if you would have read my blg about Josh over on my space. You would have never thought we would be here now!
Josh is so wonderful to be around.... He is all the good things in me, and even though the bad things in me have leaked into his life, he has made them good! He is quick to anger like I am, but cools so much faster then I do... He is handsome and funny.... compassionate, sarcastic... He calls bullshit.. I love that about him... I am excited to hear about his adventures of the villages.. He is living my dream!
Chauni and I have been struggling.. She is almost 18 and I ahve never had problems with her aside from the scool work issues we have every school year.. She has never even kissed a boy. Never snuck out never went to a party.. She wouldn't even know what to do at a Party... Thank God! She is pure and innocent So weird to me.. Being I was well lets just say, not such a good girl back in the day! We are at a cross road right now.... She wants so much to have an adult life and get ready to move out on her own.. I don't think she is ready... I want her to live here while she is in collage.. She doesn't want to! I Love her so much and just worry about her! Her heart, she is so not ready for what life can be at times!
Other news!
Struggling w/ the stories I heard as a child about my biological mother and the version of what she is now telling me.. Speaking to Chaunis father after 18 years of no communication.. I could go the rest of my life not talking to him.. What a moron!
My BFF Rachael has been in the hospital sick, makes me sad I am not there holding her hand... My other friends father died. I loved him. I want to so be there holding her hand as well.
My food intake is stupid...
I watch more and more vids about protein and fiber.. I have all the tools, But am still retarded!
I having nothing else to talk about right now! I have weigh in tomorrow UGGGGG!
I'm kinda glad that right now no one reads this blog.... Seems there isn't much to write about my weight loss journey until I am closer to the time of having the surgery..
Right now in my life so much has been brewing...
My kids have been gone for a few days now.. It's nice to have it quite.. I think I am ready for them to start their new lives as young adults soon. I am soo excited for their future..
Six months ago if you would have read my blg about Josh over on my space. You would have never thought we would be here now!
Josh is so wonderful to be around.... He is all the good things in me, and even though the bad things in me have leaked into his life, he has made them good! He is quick to anger like I am, but cools so much faster then I do... He is handsome and funny.... compassionate, sarcastic... He calls bullshit.. I love that about him... I am excited to hear about his adventures of the villages.. He is living my dream!
Chauni and I have been struggling.. She is almost 18 and I ahve never had problems with her aside from the scool work issues we have every school year.. She has never even kissed a boy. Never snuck out never went to a party.. She wouldn't even know what to do at a Party... Thank God! She is pure and innocent So weird to me.. Being I was well lets just say, not such a good girl back in the day! We are at a cross road right now.... She wants so much to have an adult life and get ready to move out on her own.. I don't think she is ready... I want her to live here while she is in collage.. She doesn't want to! I Love her so much and just worry about her! Her heart, she is so not ready for what life can be at times!
Other news!
Struggling w/ the stories I heard as a child about my biological mother and the version of what she is now telling me.. Speaking to Chaunis father after 18 years of no communication.. I could go the rest of my life not talking to him.. What a moron!
My BFF Rachael has been in the hospital sick, makes me sad I am not there holding her hand... My other friends father died. I loved him. I want to so be there holding her hand as well.
My food intake is stupid...
I watch more and more vids about protein and fiber.. I have all the tools, But am still retarded!
I having nothing else to talk about right now! I have weigh in tomorrow UGGGGG!
Friday, July 11, 2008
sweetener info
Sweetener Information
Sugar by Any Other Name
Fructose
Artificial Sweeteners
Stevia
Maltitiol, Sorbitol, and Other Sugar Alcohols
Sugar by Any Other Name
In chemistry, the ending "ose" indicates sugar; so beware of ---ose ingredients on food labels . Talbe sugar, the white granulated type, is known as sucrose. Here is a list some of other names of sugars you might encounter:
sucrose
dextrose
fructose
lactose
glucose
maltose
"ose" sugars are pure carb, thus 1 gram of sugar = 1 gram of carbohydrate = 4 calories.
Look for these other commonly used sugar-carbohydrate ingredients :
white and brown sugar
succanat
turbinado
demerrara
molasses
corn syrup
maple syrup
honey
barley syrup
malt syrup
rice syrup
cane juice and syrup
fruit juice concentrate**
**Beware of foods that boast no-added sugar, or sucrose-free. Read the label carefully; many foods such as jams and fruit drinks are sweetened with concentrated grape or apple juice, which are very sweet, high-fructose syrups, and yield the same carb and calorie count as sucrose (table sugar).
***Note that "sucralose" (Splenda) ends in ---ose, because it is made from sucrose sugar, but it is calorie and carb-free. Actually, you might want to think of it as ending in "lose" instead!!
Fructose
Fructose is sometimes promoted as a suitable sweetener for diabetics and low carbers because it does not require insulin to be used by the cells; thus there is no rise in insulin level. However, it is still a carbohydrate and yields 4 calories per gram, just like any other sugar. Fructose has an added disadvantage - because it doesn't require insulin, it is rapidly absorbed by the liver and converted to glycerol - ultimately leading to increased triglycerides and cholesterol levels. There are also studies showing that fructose also contributes to insulin-resistance. While fructose occus naturally in fruits and vegetables, it is present in relatively small amounts, and the fiber, pectin and minerals in these foods balance the fructose content. The fructose that is added to commercially processed food is a highly refined, purified sugar created in a lab from corn and other syrups. It is everywhere - fruit drinks, soft drinks and iced teas, baby foods (yes!), jams and jellies, candies, desserts and baked goods.
Artificial Sweeteners
As a group, artificial sweeteners are classed as "non-nutritive". Thus, they provide a sweet sensation to the tastebuds, without raising blood sugar levels or insulin, and are useful for weight-loss because they are calorie- and carbohydrate-free.
The most common artificial sweetener in use is aspartame (Equal, Nutrasweet). Aspartame is calorie- and carb-free, however it is far from being an ideal sweetener. First, it is not chemically stable, meaning that when exposed to heat and air, it breaks down into its chemical constituents - phenylalanine and aspartic acid. This makes it unsuitable for cooking, or for storage over more than a couple of days. Also, many people have experienced unpleasant symptoms from consuming aspartame, from mild headaches and stomach upset to migraines and depression. The manufacturers continue to assert that the product is safe, and indeed most people can enjoy it without any problem whatsoever. Moderation is the key.
In Canada, food and beverage manufacturers are using a combination approach in their products - using aspartame with another sweetener, acesulfame-potassium (Ace-K, Sunette). This sweetener is not absorbed and yields zero carbs and calories. It has a bitter after-taste, but when combined with another sweetener, this is eliminated. By combining sweeteners, an improved sweet taste is achieved, and reduced amounts of each chemical is required.
Sucralose (Splenda) is spun from regular sucrose sugar in such away that the body doesn't recognise it, so it is not absorbed. Thus it contributes no calories or carbohydrates in its pure form. It remains stable in heat, so is ideal for cooking and baking. Splenda is available for home use as a bulk sweetener, which measures spoon for spoon exactly the same as sugar. It is also available in a more concentrated form in convenient packets. However, these Splenda products also contain maltodextrin, which gives it the necessary bulk. Thus, it does contribute a small amount of calories and carbohydrate. Either form of Splenda, whether it's the bulk form in the box, or the little packets, will yield 0.5 carb grams per amount equivalent to 1 tsp (5 ml) of sucrose sugar. Just remember that the powder in the little packets is much more concentrated, so a smaller volume is needed to give the desired sweetness.
More and more commercial products made with Splenda are becoming available - especially beverages, soft drinks and iced teas, desserts, condiments and candies. Keep an eye on your grocer's shelves. Also visit our Shopping Page for some popular products available in Canada.
Also available in Canada is cyclamate (SugarTwin, Sucaryl), a zero-calorie/carb sweetener. There is still some controsversy that this chemical may cause bladder cancer in rats; it has never occured in humans in over 30 years of study. It is still banned in the US. Cyclamate is not used in commercial products, and is only available as a "table top" sweetener. It comes in bulk form, measured spoon for spoon like sugar, or as concentrated packets, tablets and liquid, There is also a brown sugar flavour, which some enjoy. Cyclamate is stable in heat, so is fine to use in cooking and baking.
Stevia
This is a non-caloric, zero-carb natural sweetener, derived from a South American plant stevia rebaudiana, and has been in wide use in Asia for some years now. It's becoming more readily available in North America; look for it in health food and natural food stores. So far, it appears to be well-tolerated, with no reports of negative effects. It is available as a liquid extract - either concentrated or dilute, a white crystalline powder made from the extract or simply the powdered green herb leaf. It provides an intense sweet taste, which has the potential to be bitter. Some people find it has a slight anise/licorice flavour which may or may not be objectionable. Also, some studies suggest that it may possibly stimulate the release of insulin; in Protein Power Lifeplan, the Eades' recommend using stevia with caution. It is stable in heat, so is fine to use in cooking.
Maltitol, Sorbitol and Other Sugar Alcohols
Sugar alcohols - also called polyols - are a class of carbohydrate that are neither sugars nor alcohols. This group includes maltitol, sorbitol, mannitol, xylitol, erythritol, lactitol, and hydrolysed starch hydrolysates (HSH). These popular sugar substitutes provide the bulk and sweetness of sugar and corn syrup, but are incompletely absorbed in the intestine. Thus they provide fewer calories and carbs than sugar, and result in a much slower, and smaller rise in blood sugar and insulin. They are generally recognised as safe for diabetics to consume for this reason, and products sweetened with these products may legally be labelled "sugar-free" in both Canada and the US. Sugar alcohols do not promote oral bacteria, and xylitol in fact inhibits bacterial growth, thus do not cause tooth decay.
There is a great deal of confusion about whether or not these products provide carbohydrates, and how they should be counted toward a carbohydrate-restricted diet. Some authorities say they provide zero carbs because they are not absorbed. Others, such as Diabetic Associations across North America, are taking a more cautious stand. Currently, food labelling regulations in Canada and US do not require (yet) including maltitol et al in the Total Carbohydrate data of the nutrients list. However, the amount must be listed in the ingredients panel.
So how do you count them in your carb budget for the day? Some say 0 carbs, so just go by the label and only count the carbs from any sugar or starch in the food. Others, such as the Canadian Diabetes Association, recommend counting the full amount as carbohydrate grams, especially for patients using carb-counting for insulin dosage and insulin pumps. Still others take a median approach, and suggest counting each gram of maltitol as 0.5 carb grams.
All authorities recommend using caution and definitely moderation is key. Because they are not completely absorbed in the bowel, they have a nasty reputation of holding onto water, and promoting diarrhea, gas and bloating. This is politely termed the "laxative effect". Sorbitol and mannitol are the worst offenders, maltitol and lactitol less so. The label should indicate the serving size. This is the amount considered safe to eat before the laxative effect takes over. So beware that overeating these foods can have serious effects. Especially for children, who of course will experience the effect from an even smaller amount.
Many low carbers enjoy an occasional chocolate bar or candy sweetened with one of the sugar alcohols, and find there is no effect on their weight loss or ketosis. Some do find it will put them in a stall. Others find they definitely experience a blood sugar "rush" from eating even a small amount. For a few, the laxative effect is pronounced, and even a small amount will trigger unpleasant symptoms. This is definitely a case of YMMV (your mileage may vary). For some low carbers, planning for one of these treats now and then helps to stave off cravings for serious carb binges. Indeed, even at full count, a 40 gram chocolate bar sweetened with maltitol has an average of 12 carb grams, as opposed to regular plain chocolate with 25 carbs in a similar sized bar. Just beware that they can also trigger the sweet cravings you hope to avoid.
Sugar by Any Other Name
Fructose
Artificial Sweeteners
Stevia
Maltitiol, Sorbitol, and Other Sugar Alcohols
Sugar by Any Other Name
In chemistry, the ending "ose" indicates sugar; so beware of ---ose ingredients on food labels . Talbe sugar, the white granulated type, is known as sucrose. Here is a list some of other names of sugars you might encounter:
sucrose
dextrose
fructose
lactose
glucose
maltose
"ose" sugars are pure carb, thus 1 gram of sugar = 1 gram of carbohydrate = 4 calories.
Look for these other commonly used sugar-carbohydrate ingredients :
white and brown sugar
succanat
turbinado
demerrara
molasses
corn syrup
maple syrup
honey
barley syrup
malt syrup
rice syrup
cane juice and syrup
fruit juice concentrate**
**Beware of foods that boast no-added sugar, or sucrose-free. Read the label carefully; many foods such as jams and fruit drinks are sweetened with concentrated grape or apple juice, which are very sweet, high-fructose syrups, and yield the same carb and calorie count as sucrose (table sugar).
***Note that "sucralose" (Splenda) ends in ---ose, because it is made from sucrose sugar, but it is calorie and carb-free. Actually, you might want to think of it as ending in "lose" instead!!
Fructose
Fructose is sometimes promoted as a suitable sweetener for diabetics and low carbers because it does not require insulin to be used by the cells; thus there is no rise in insulin level. However, it is still a carbohydrate and yields 4 calories per gram, just like any other sugar. Fructose has an added disadvantage - because it doesn't require insulin, it is rapidly absorbed by the liver and converted to glycerol - ultimately leading to increased triglycerides and cholesterol levels. There are also studies showing that fructose also contributes to insulin-resistance. While fructose occus naturally in fruits and vegetables, it is present in relatively small amounts, and the fiber, pectin and minerals in these foods balance the fructose content. The fructose that is added to commercially processed food is a highly refined, purified sugar created in a lab from corn and other syrups. It is everywhere - fruit drinks, soft drinks and iced teas, baby foods (yes!), jams and jellies, candies, desserts and baked goods.
Artificial Sweeteners
As a group, artificial sweeteners are classed as "non-nutritive". Thus, they provide a sweet sensation to the tastebuds, without raising blood sugar levels or insulin, and are useful for weight-loss because they are calorie- and carbohydrate-free.
The most common artificial sweetener in use is aspartame (Equal, Nutrasweet). Aspartame is calorie- and carb-free, however it is far from being an ideal sweetener. First, it is not chemically stable, meaning that when exposed to heat and air, it breaks down into its chemical constituents - phenylalanine and aspartic acid. This makes it unsuitable for cooking, or for storage over more than a couple of days. Also, many people have experienced unpleasant symptoms from consuming aspartame, from mild headaches and stomach upset to migraines and depression. The manufacturers continue to assert that the product is safe, and indeed most people can enjoy it without any problem whatsoever. Moderation is the key.
In Canada, food and beverage manufacturers are using a combination approach in their products - using aspartame with another sweetener, acesulfame-potassium (Ace-K, Sunette). This sweetener is not absorbed and yields zero carbs and calories. It has a bitter after-taste, but when combined with another sweetener, this is eliminated. By combining sweeteners, an improved sweet taste is achieved, and reduced amounts of each chemical is required.
Sucralose (Splenda) is spun from regular sucrose sugar in such away that the body doesn't recognise it, so it is not absorbed. Thus it contributes no calories or carbohydrates in its pure form. It remains stable in heat, so is ideal for cooking and baking. Splenda is available for home use as a bulk sweetener, which measures spoon for spoon exactly the same as sugar. It is also available in a more concentrated form in convenient packets. However, these Splenda products also contain maltodextrin, which gives it the necessary bulk. Thus, it does contribute a small amount of calories and carbohydrate. Either form of Splenda, whether it's the bulk form in the box, or the little packets, will yield 0.5 carb grams per amount equivalent to 1 tsp (5 ml) of sucrose sugar. Just remember that the powder in the little packets is much more concentrated, so a smaller volume is needed to give the desired sweetness.
More and more commercial products made with Splenda are becoming available - especially beverages, soft drinks and iced teas, desserts, condiments and candies. Keep an eye on your grocer's shelves. Also visit our Shopping Page for some popular products available in Canada.
Also available in Canada is cyclamate (SugarTwin, Sucaryl), a zero-calorie/carb sweetener. There is still some controsversy that this chemical may cause bladder cancer in rats; it has never occured in humans in over 30 years of study. It is still banned in the US. Cyclamate is not used in commercial products, and is only available as a "table top" sweetener. It comes in bulk form, measured spoon for spoon like sugar, or as concentrated packets, tablets and liquid, There is also a brown sugar flavour, which some enjoy. Cyclamate is stable in heat, so is fine to use in cooking and baking.
Stevia
This is a non-caloric, zero-carb natural sweetener, derived from a South American plant stevia rebaudiana, and has been in wide use in Asia for some years now. It's becoming more readily available in North America; look for it in health food and natural food stores. So far, it appears to be well-tolerated, with no reports of negative effects. It is available as a liquid extract - either concentrated or dilute, a white crystalline powder made from the extract or simply the powdered green herb leaf. It provides an intense sweet taste, which has the potential to be bitter. Some people find it has a slight anise/licorice flavour which may or may not be objectionable. Also, some studies suggest that it may possibly stimulate the release of insulin; in Protein Power Lifeplan, the Eades' recommend using stevia with caution. It is stable in heat, so is fine to use in cooking.
Maltitol, Sorbitol and Other Sugar Alcohols
Sugar alcohols - also called polyols - are a class of carbohydrate that are neither sugars nor alcohols. This group includes maltitol, sorbitol, mannitol, xylitol, erythritol, lactitol, and hydrolysed starch hydrolysates (HSH). These popular sugar substitutes provide the bulk and sweetness of sugar and corn syrup, but are incompletely absorbed in the intestine. Thus they provide fewer calories and carbs than sugar, and result in a much slower, and smaller rise in blood sugar and insulin. They are generally recognised as safe for diabetics to consume for this reason, and products sweetened with these products may legally be labelled "sugar-free" in both Canada and the US. Sugar alcohols do not promote oral bacteria, and xylitol in fact inhibits bacterial growth, thus do not cause tooth decay.
There is a great deal of confusion about whether or not these products provide carbohydrates, and how they should be counted toward a carbohydrate-restricted diet. Some authorities say they provide zero carbs because they are not absorbed. Others, such as Diabetic Associations across North America, are taking a more cautious stand. Currently, food labelling regulations in Canada and US do not require (yet) including maltitol et al in the Total Carbohydrate data of the nutrients list. However, the amount must be listed in the ingredients panel.
So how do you count them in your carb budget for the day? Some say 0 carbs, so just go by the label and only count the carbs from any sugar or starch in the food. Others, such as the Canadian Diabetes Association, recommend counting the full amount as carbohydrate grams, especially for patients using carb-counting for insulin dosage and insulin pumps. Still others take a median approach, and suggest counting each gram of maltitol as 0.5 carb grams.
All authorities recommend using caution and definitely moderation is key. Because they are not completely absorbed in the bowel, they have a nasty reputation of holding onto water, and promoting diarrhea, gas and bloating. This is politely termed the "laxative effect". Sorbitol and mannitol are the worst offenders, maltitol and lactitol less so. The label should indicate the serving size. This is the amount considered safe to eat before the laxative effect takes over. So beware that overeating these foods can have serious effects. Especially for children, who of course will experience the effect from an even smaller amount.
Many low carbers enjoy an occasional chocolate bar or candy sweetened with one of the sugar alcohols, and find there is no effect on their weight loss or ketosis. Some do find it will put them in a stall. Others find they definitely experience a blood sugar "rush" from eating even a small amount. For a few, the laxative effect is pronounced, and even a small amount will trigger unpleasant symptoms. This is definitely a case of YMMV (your mileage may vary). For some low carbers, planning for one of these treats now and then helps to stave off cravings for serious carb binges. Indeed, even at full count, a 40 gram chocolate bar sweetened with maltitol has an average of 12 carb grams, as opposed to regular plain chocolate with 25 carbs in a similar sized bar. Just beware that they can also trigger the sweet cravings you hope to avoid.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
Just for me
My mom called the other day.. I haven't spoken to her since I was 15... Her sisters keep calling me.. The last few months trying to get me to talk to her. I have told them time and again leave me alone.. I have nothing to say.. To her... to them... Then they started leaving me notes on my space..
Who am I? Why am I?
All my little life I heard how my mother was a whore, her mother a whore as well.. She poisoned my brother, locked us in closets.. I couldn't take a bath for years because of my fear of water.... I still can't put my head under water in the shower.. Who am I? Why am I ? The stories are scattered through out my mind.. Which ones have I imagined, which ones have I added to? Did he lie to us... Does he fear our finding out? Can I talk to him about it will he get angry? DO I not talk to her because I am scared that I will make him sad.
When I was pregnant w/ Chanui I was 20.. I had nightmares all the time that I would be a bad mom, that somehow I wouldn't love Chauni because my mother didn't love me.. I was tortured w/ the idea that I would never be anything more then a whore and that I could never be...
I call Joey every time one of them calls and asks for his #. He has always told me to tell them to leave him alone... I spoke to him last night... He wants to talk to her.. Ask her so many questions.. He is afraid to hurt my feelings.. He didn't want me to know that he wants to speak to her. He had his wife tell me first.. I just wanted her to shut up I didn't want to talk to her.. He has her on speaker.. I wanted to scream Shut up Let me talk to Joey.. I didn't...
Joey is so sick now.. I don't know how much longer he will live w/out a kidney. I can't give him mine yet.. Josh doesn't match, Dad can't give him his..
What is he to do.. Maybe just maybe one of them can give him a kidney... Joey has lived his whole life thinking he wasn't loved by his mother.. Thinking that she tried to kill him... The stories for him are as shadowed as mine, filled w/ secrets and lies....
I called her last night.. It took me several minutes to open my mouth and speak... I kept swallowing trying to talk but I couldn't it was weird.. She filled the silence w/ too many words I can't remember, and tears so many tears.... I told her, she needs to be careful how she speaks to Joey when he finally talks to her.. She can not speak ill of Dad. I don't care if she tells her side of the story, but Joey doesn't need to be angry at Dad.. Dad told us his version of the truth.. It is not hers but his from a sad angry hurt heart.. Bottom Line.. He raised us well.. WE are strong, independent, smart.... loving people. We have raised amazing children and have honest, caring minds and hearts. I wonder what kind of people we would have been if things had turned out different...
I am not angry... I'm not sure what I am. She said sorry a million times.. I'm not sure for what. I told her I don't care what happened.. I understand that she has a story to tell.. I'm not sure I want to hear it though. Joey on the other hand is ready and willing I believe to hear what she has to say..
Will anything she say change how I feel about myself? Will anything she have to say explain anything about myself? I don't think I feel anything.. When I was speaking to her I didn't cry, i was very calm explaining to her how fragile Joey and his health is... I spoke facts and let her chatter on. In the end she asked me if I could ever have a relationship w/ her... I didn't have an answer.. I still don't.. I don't want to hurt my dad.. I don't want to hurt my mum I have known my whole life... I am curious about my other brother, my cousins, but not overly curious...
I haven't answers, right at this moment I don't even have questions~
Who am I? Why am I?
All my little life I heard how my mother was a whore, her mother a whore as well.. She poisoned my brother, locked us in closets.. I couldn't take a bath for years because of my fear of water.... I still can't put my head under water in the shower.. Who am I? Why am I ? The stories are scattered through out my mind.. Which ones have I imagined, which ones have I added to? Did he lie to us... Does he fear our finding out? Can I talk to him about it will he get angry? DO I not talk to her because I am scared that I will make him sad.
When I was pregnant w/ Chanui I was 20.. I had nightmares all the time that I would be a bad mom, that somehow I wouldn't love Chauni because my mother didn't love me.. I was tortured w/ the idea that I would never be anything more then a whore and that I could never be...
I call Joey every time one of them calls and asks for his #. He has always told me to tell them to leave him alone... I spoke to him last night... He wants to talk to her.. Ask her so many questions.. He is afraid to hurt my feelings.. He didn't want me to know that he wants to speak to her. He had his wife tell me first.. I just wanted her to shut up I didn't want to talk to her.. He has her on speaker.. I wanted to scream Shut up Let me talk to Joey.. I didn't...
Joey is so sick now.. I don't know how much longer he will live w/out a kidney. I can't give him mine yet.. Josh doesn't match, Dad can't give him his..
What is he to do.. Maybe just maybe one of them can give him a kidney... Joey has lived his whole life thinking he wasn't loved by his mother.. Thinking that she tried to kill him... The stories for him are as shadowed as mine, filled w/ secrets and lies....
I called her last night.. It took me several minutes to open my mouth and speak... I kept swallowing trying to talk but I couldn't it was weird.. She filled the silence w/ too many words I can't remember, and tears so many tears.... I told her, she needs to be careful how she speaks to Joey when he finally talks to her.. She can not speak ill of Dad. I don't care if she tells her side of the story, but Joey doesn't need to be angry at Dad.. Dad told us his version of the truth.. It is not hers but his from a sad angry hurt heart.. Bottom Line.. He raised us well.. WE are strong, independent, smart.... loving people. We have raised amazing children and have honest, caring minds and hearts. I wonder what kind of people we would have been if things had turned out different...
I am not angry... I'm not sure what I am. She said sorry a million times.. I'm not sure for what. I told her I don't care what happened.. I understand that she has a story to tell.. I'm not sure I want to hear it though. Joey on the other hand is ready and willing I believe to hear what she has to say..
Will anything she say change how I feel about myself? Will anything she have to say explain anything about myself? I don't think I feel anything.. When I was speaking to her I didn't cry, i was very calm explaining to her how fragile Joey and his health is... I spoke facts and let her chatter on. In the end she asked me if I could ever have a relationship w/ her... I didn't have an answer.. I still don't.. I don't want to hurt my dad.. I don't want to hurt my mum I have known my whole life... I am curious about my other brother, my cousins, but not overly curious...
I haven't answers, right at this moment I don't even have questions~
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
whole lotta nothing!
It's been a while since I was here.. I have so much to talk about. First I went to work this last weekend... I haven't worked in over a 1 and 1/2 years... It was nice, but my back has been pist @ me since... I also got a call from a friend of mine asking if I was looking for work. She has a Daycare Center , knows I love kids and didn't want to work unless I could take Oz... I told her yes. I should start in a few weeks! Wild me working again.. I have never worked in daycare. I, however have worked w/ so many ages and kids that I am excited about this... I worry about all the germs that Oz and I can pick up. The pros outweight the cons right now.. I don't have any friends that have small kids and Oz just doesn't know anyone his age... I am glad that he will be able to hang out w/ other little ones. Lets see what else has happened Oh yes....
Brian's Boss had a fire this last weekend in his new home. The one Bri spent most of the winter building.. Major Drag, But on the up note... Everything that wasn't damaged Brian gets to bring to our money pit! That means, kitchen cabinets, amazing granite for counter tops... A huge garden bathtub a wonderful stainless steel dishwasher and upright freezer. Doors, windows.. Can I get an AMEN! I can't believe it.... Oh I almost for got the greatest thing yet... A stainless steel Kitchen sink and bathroom sinks SHUT UP! I am soo excited!!!!!!! All these things are less the a month old if used at all.. He is getting the house declared a total loss. Insurance will pick up everything. So he offered Bri and another guy on site to get everything salvageable.. Rick got the washer and dryer because they are gas and we can't get gas this far out in the woods, but Rick just bought a new set that is electric and is giving us those when he picks up the other set... WOO HOO my washer is now at the point where I have to run the rinse cycle twice. My dryer is ok (GO Cregs) list but, Josh, Bri's brother needs a new one SO two birds one stone!
As For my weight loss. I get weighed next week.. I have an appt w/ my wls Dr. the 16th. I just picked up my last 5 year weight loss record yesterday! I still have to do the damn Ua I never remember to go to the hospital to get that done!
My eating has been going all right.. My water intake is going good as well. My back is killing me, But I hope that it eases up before my pain meds run out!
Well that was alot about nothing! The kids are great! Brian and I are doing alright! No wild sex stories to tell, He tried to make some moves the other night but the new meds I am on for this dumb ass intestinal thing I have has given me a yeast infection I think! Well the meds I have to take for it have given me signs of some yeast thing! Well just the itching, But I have never had a yeast infection. I don't know if you can pass them to your partner via sex...I don't even know it I have one, I just know my who ha itches and it sucks!
Brian's Boss had a fire this last weekend in his new home. The one Bri spent most of the winter building.. Major Drag, But on the up note... Everything that wasn't damaged Brian gets to bring to our money pit! That means, kitchen cabinets, amazing granite for counter tops... A huge garden bathtub a wonderful stainless steel dishwasher and upright freezer. Doors, windows.. Can I get an AMEN! I can't believe it.... Oh I almost for got the greatest thing yet... A stainless steel Kitchen sink and bathroom sinks SHUT UP! I am soo excited!!!!!!! All these things are less the a month old if used at all.. He is getting the house declared a total loss. Insurance will pick up everything. So he offered Bri and another guy on site to get everything salvageable.. Rick got the washer and dryer because they are gas and we can't get gas this far out in the woods, but Rick just bought a new set that is electric and is giving us those when he picks up the other set... WOO HOO my washer is now at the point where I have to run the rinse cycle twice. My dryer is ok (GO Cregs) list but, Josh, Bri's brother needs a new one SO two birds one stone!
As For my weight loss. I get weighed next week.. I have an appt w/ my wls Dr. the 16th. I just picked up my last 5 year weight loss record yesterday! I still have to do the damn Ua I never remember to go to the hospital to get that done!
My eating has been going all right.. My water intake is going good as well. My back is killing me, But I hope that it eases up before my pain meds run out!
Well that was alot about nothing! The kids are great! Brian and I are doing alright! No wild sex stories to tell, He tried to make some moves the other night but the new meds I am on for this dumb ass intestinal thing I have has given me a yeast infection I think! Well the meds I have to take for it have given me signs of some yeast thing! Well just the itching, But I have never had a yeast infection. I don't know if you can pass them to your partner via sex...I don't even know it I have one, I just know my who ha itches and it sucks!
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
Can I get a high5 anyone!
It's almost one in the morning and it's still light outside! Gotta love that midnight sun huh? Flippin skeeters came in tonight when Bri was fixing the front door.. I hate them soo much~
First of all I got all my water in today 70 oz damn thats alotta h2o peeps! Second before I write anything else, Operation Make Love to My Man, signed and sealed~ Let me tell you, Lets here it for the boy! He never stops amazing me. I love him so very much! I can't stop yawning so I'll make this quick...
Breakfast
1 leftover salmon burger
1 liter H2O 2 tl
1 Salmon burger
1 liter H2O
2 pieces of veggie pizza,
oil and garlic sauce
33 oz H2O
1 piece of veggie pizza
b4 bed..
Bad Martina Bad~
about 20 oz H2O before bed....
Pissin the night away foshow!
I had a great day w/ Josh today.. He is going thru some stuff, but is really handling it well.. I am proud of him... He has come along way in a short time.. God and Pat and I am proud to say even me, I believe have helped him in this journey of self worth he has been on! Oh I don't want to forget his Youth Pastor.. A wonderful man of God who encourages and bless Josh daily.. Ok I have to get up early tomorrow and make a youtube video UGGGH I don't wanna~ I keep putting it off... Dread.....
Thank you Lord for my many Blessings... Thank you Lord for my family~
And Pat if you are reading this..... Thank you for all your love and support... Without you, my family would not be where it is today!
~M~
First of all I got all my water in today 70 oz damn thats alotta h2o peeps! Second before I write anything else, Operation Make Love to My Man, signed and sealed~ Let me tell you, Lets here it for the boy! He never stops amazing me. I love him so very much! I can't stop yawning so I'll make this quick...
Breakfast
1 leftover salmon burger
1 liter H2O 2 tl
1 Salmon burger
1 liter H2O
2 pieces of veggie pizza,
oil and garlic sauce
33 oz H2O
1 piece of veggie pizza
b4 bed..
Bad Martina Bad~
about 20 oz H2O before bed....
Pissin the night away foshow!
I had a great day w/ Josh today.. He is going thru some stuff, but is really handling it well.. I am proud of him... He has come along way in a short time.. God and Pat and I am proud to say even me, I believe have helped him in this journey of self worth he has been on! Oh I don't want to forget his Youth Pastor.. A wonderful man of God who encourages and bless Josh daily.. Ok I have to get up early tomorrow and make a youtube video UGGGH I don't wanna~ I keep putting it off... Dread.....
Thank you Lord for my many Blessings... Thank you Lord for my family~
And Pat if you are reading this..... Thank you for all your love and support... Without you, my family would not be where it is today!
~M~
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Oh Mr. SUN SUN Mr golden SUN please shine down on me~
Doin' the "SUN" dance....... I am not one to enjoy the heat, but after years of cold cold winters and no sun this spring... Look out.... I am diggin' this SUN! The blue sky is soo blue.. The greens so green after all this rain! (DEEP AMAZING BREATH HERE)
OK, I had a talk w/ Bri last night. Just a small oh by the way talk...
Started out, "Bri how bout some hot sex tonight baby"? Bri said,with a smile, " Oh I guess I could shower!" I then went into this apology about not being to sexy feeling. He told me that's ok. He knows I'm tired and he is tired too.. This time of year is hard on him.. He builds houses and is the Foreman on site. Trying to pour concrete in this weather has been a drag.. They have to get so many poured before July to get the houses done before the snow flies! Anyway, He is tired and sweaty when he comes home from work... Just wants to rest then fall into bed... Which I guess for me is a bonus right now... The bad part, I am afraid we will get into a rut like this..... It's been weeks already....
Operation Bedroom and Make Love to My Man, is going pretty well... No love making yet, But the room is coming together.. WELL up until Oz and Chauni flooded the bathroom in our room causing water to fill 1/2 of my bedroom.. Major Pisser! (No pun intended)
2pieces of wheat toast
2teaspoons butter
3 oz of halibut
1 liter water/ tl
strawberry cupcake no frosting
1 liter water/tl
salmon burger
1 oz mash
fruit juice
strawberry cupcake teaspoon frosting
water
OK, I had a talk w/ Bri last night. Just a small oh by the way talk...
Started out, "Bri how bout some hot sex tonight baby"? Bri said,with a smile, " Oh I guess I could shower!" I then went into this apology about not being to sexy feeling. He told me that's ok. He knows I'm tired and he is tired too.. This time of year is hard on him.. He builds houses and is the Foreman on site. Trying to pour concrete in this weather has been a drag.. They have to get so many poured before July to get the houses done before the snow flies! Anyway, He is tired and sweaty when he comes home from work... Just wants to rest then fall into bed... Which I guess for me is a bonus right now... The bad part, I am afraid we will get into a rut like this..... It's been weeks already....
Operation Bedroom and Make Love to My Man, is going pretty well... No love making yet, But the room is coming together.. WELL up until Oz and Chauni flooded the bathroom in our room causing water to fill 1/2 of my bedroom.. Major Pisser! (No pun intended)
2pieces of wheat toast
2teaspoons butter
3 oz of halibut
1 liter water/ tl
strawberry cupcake no frosting
1 liter water/tl
salmon burger
1 oz mash
fruit juice
strawberry cupcake teaspoon frosting
water
Sunday, June 29, 2008
peacock feathers. tweezers and oscar the grouch cupcakes!
Today was the DAY! We were all prepared for the Oz 1 Birthday Party.. But alas, the summer rains have foiled our plans.. Woke up early to call everyone on the party list to cancel.. Major bummer man! We had grand plans at a cute little park. A big pirate ship, walking the plank! DRAG.... Oh Well we are planning again next weekend. Like Oz knows any different huh?
Chauni and Josh have training all day for their next missions trip.... So it's just gunna be Pappa bear Oz and mommy.. We are headed up to the lake for a nice little wander about. Maybe a small fire and a few mellows...
First tho.. I have to run thru the house w/ a swiffer and destroy all this summer dust. I was moving my peacock feathers and saw about a winters worth of dust on them today YIKES! Also Got my tweezers outta my secret tweezers place! Don't ask I have teens who like to use them for everything... Anyway...... I went to use them, because my eye brows are scary! And Get this the little criminal broke them, but then put them back and never said anything... These tweezers were like 15 bucks.. I loved them, perfect for every unwanted hair on my body.... He snapped them in 1/2 UGGGH! He said, Get this.... God MOM, Why did you spend so much on tweezers.. That's your fault!
Are you kidding me? SERIOUS My fault... If I woulda bought cheap ones I wouldn't be so mad... What a Shit! I will get some pics up of Oz cupcakes for the cancelled party we did sesame street cupcakes... WOO HOOO!
As for my food intake.. Doing pretty good.... Trying to get in 65+ oz of water is kinda difficult but doing ok....
Breakfast
last nights supper
piece of chicken breast w/ ham and provolone
wrapped..
apple juice
33 oz water w/ TL
Pain meds for back today.. I went shopping last night and threw my back outta wack, little swelling w/ feet and legs.
Man I really have to get my rig outta the shop I have nothing to write about.. Yeah I suck!
Bill and Shirley stopped by and brought Oz his stool. they make these little wooden stools w/ the kids name on them really cute! It is always so hard to be relaxed when they come over.. Bill comments on my messy house and makes me feel like shit... Of course there was toys everywhere and a whole Sunday paper crumpled up that Oz had destroyed... SUCKED! However, they did drop of some halibut and salmon... We had halibut for supper YUMMO~
I think Brian and I are secretly fighting.. Well I'm not sure fighting would be the word.. We aren't talking really.. I know he is frustrated w/ me.. I am ashamed to admit it.. Even typing it here makes me uneasy. I am trying really hard to be honest here and open.. More difficult then I had anticipated...
DISCLAIMER~ I am going to be getting pretty real...
I don't want to have sex... I try to go to bed either after Brian is asleep or before he goes to bed...
I don't know whats wrong w/ me... I have been taking lexapro for a month now and I am thinking that must be it.... I have no desire. I don't want to stop taking lexapro though because It makes me feel better..
Brian is the kind of man that is so patient that he never asks for sex. He has always waited for me to approach him.. Which was all the time before I got preg. He had to go almost the whole preg w/out because of all the issues.. And really this first year of Oz sleeping not sleeping has just made me so tired. Now that Oz sleeps through most nights I am on this lexapro and Bri still isn't "getting any"
Crap, not only am I dealing w/ this fricking weight issue, food issue, Chauni issue... (Fill you in later) House issues.. I could go on and on.. But really......
Ok Breath.. First things first....
Since we have mooved into this money pit I have not had my bedroom.. You know the pre man bedroom I had for 10 years being single! To be honest to keep sheets on the bed is a pain in the ass really Bri moves so much and they pop off and it drives me nuts! I have puta clothes basket two feet from where he throws his clothes on the floor and DAMN IT he still throws them on the floor. My mission today is to get my preman room back! I used to have 20 pillows..... now! What happened... Candles.. My room used to smell like gardenias now it smells like diapers and dirty socks.... YUM!
Ok I feel better... Mission...... make room sexy (well as sexy as a crib will allow)~ Operation Make love to my man, is now implemented.. Stay tuned!! All my blogger fans~ Crap I forgot no one reads my blog!
Chauni and Josh have training all day for their next missions trip.... So it's just gunna be Pappa bear Oz and mommy.. We are headed up to the lake for a nice little wander about. Maybe a small fire and a few mellows...
First tho.. I have to run thru the house w/ a swiffer and destroy all this summer dust. I was moving my peacock feathers and saw about a winters worth of dust on them today YIKES! Also Got my tweezers outta my secret tweezers place! Don't ask I have teens who like to use them for everything... Anyway...... I went to use them, because my eye brows are scary! And Get this the little criminal broke them, but then put them back and never said anything... These tweezers were like 15 bucks.. I loved them, perfect for every unwanted hair on my body.... He snapped them in 1/2 UGGGH! He said, Get this.... God MOM, Why did you spend so much on tweezers.. That's your fault!
Are you kidding me? SERIOUS My fault... If I woulda bought cheap ones I wouldn't be so mad... What a Shit! I will get some pics up of Oz cupcakes for the cancelled party we did sesame street cupcakes... WOO HOOO!
As for my food intake.. Doing pretty good.... Trying to get in 65+ oz of water is kinda difficult but doing ok....
Breakfast
last nights supper
piece of chicken breast w/ ham and provolone
wrapped..
apple juice
33 oz water w/ TL
Pain meds for back today.. I went shopping last night and threw my back outta wack, little swelling w/ feet and legs.
Man I really have to get my rig outta the shop I have nothing to write about.. Yeah I suck!
Bill and Shirley stopped by and brought Oz his stool. they make these little wooden stools w/ the kids name on them really cute! It is always so hard to be relaxed when they come over.. Bill comments on my messy house and makes me feel like shit... Of course there was toys everywhere and a whole Sunday paper crumpled up that Oz had destroyed... SUCKED! However, they did drop of some halibut and salmon... We had halibut for supper YUMMO~
I think Brian and I are secretly fighting.. Well I'm not sure fighting would be the word.. We aren't talking really.. I know he is frustrated w/ me.. I am ashamed to admit it.. Even typing it here makes me uneasy. I am trying really hard to be honest here and open.. More difficult then I had anticipated...
DISCLAIMER~ I am going to be getting pretty real...
I don't want to have sex... I try to go to bed either after Brian is asleep or before he goes to bed...
I don't know whats wrong w/ me... I have been taking lexapro for a month now and I am thinking that must be it.... I have no desire. I don't want to stop taking lexapro though because It makes me feel better..
Brian is the kind of man that is so patient that he never asks for sex. He has always waited for me to approach him.. Which was all the time before I got preg. He had to go almost the whole preg w/out because of all the issues.. And really this first year of Oz sleeping not sleeping has just made me so tired. Now that Oz sleeps through most nights I am on this lexapro and Bri still isn't "getting any"
Crap, not only am I dealing w/ this fricking weight issue, food issue, Chauni issue... (Fill you in later) House issues.. I could go on and on.. But really......
Ok Breath.. First things first....
Since we have mooved into this money pit I have not had my bedroom.. You know the pre man bedroom I had for 10 years being single! To be honest to keep sheets on the bed is a pain in the ass really Bri moves so much and they pop off and it drives me nuts! I have puta clothes basket two feet from where he throws his clothes on the floor and DAMN IT he still throws them on the floor. My mission today is to get my preman room back! I used to have 20 pillows..... now! What happened... Candles.. My room used to smell like gardenias now it smells like diapers and dirty socks.... YUM!
Ok I feel better... Mission...... make room sexy (well as sexy as a crib will allow)~ Operation Make love to my man, is now implemented.. Stay tuned!! All my blogger fans~ Crap I forgot no one reads my blog!
Thursday, June 26, 2008
What is Maltitol?
Occasionally, someone will ask why their low carb diet isn’t working as they think it should be. One of the first questions I ask is whether they are eating products with a lot of sugar alcohols such as maltitol. Although it doesn’t have the same impact on every individual, this one ingredient has been known to stall many a well-intentioned dieter. Here’s why.
What is Maltitol? Maltitol is a sugar alcohol, an ingredient commonly used in low carb or “sugar-free” products such as candy and nutrition bars. It is used so much because of its similarity to sugar in terms of taste, mouthfeel, and interaction with other ingredients. Products which use maltitol and other sugar alcohols as sweeteners can be called “sugar-free.” Although claims are often made that maltitol has little impact on blood sugar, this turns out not to be the case.
Maltitol Has CarbsMaltitol is a carbohydrate. Although our bodies do not absorb all the calories in maltitol, this substance does provide us with 2 to 3 calories per gram, compared to the 4 calories per gram of sugar. (For what its worth I have noticed that the claim of 2 calories per gram usually comes from literature provided by the manufacturer or the low calorie food industry whereas other analyses tend to be closer to 3 calories.) Since maltitol is a carbohydrate, and since it provides calories, you would expect it to impact blood glucose. You would be correct.
Maltitol Has a Relatively High Glycemic Index In particular, maltitol syrup has a glycemic index of 52, which approaches that of table sugar at 60. The powdered form has a glycemic index of 36, which is still higher than most other sugar alcohols and all artificial sweeteners.
Maltitol is Not as Sweet As Sugar Estimates run from 75 to 90 percent of the sweetness of sugar. Again, the information provided by industry groups tends to give the 90% figure, while other sources say 75 percent. So, if maltitol has ¾ of the sweetness of sugar, ¾ the calories of sugar, and ¾ the glycemic index of sugar, it isn’t a far leap to the conclusion that you need ¼ more maltitol to get the same effect of sugar –which will give you close to the same effect in most other ways (except for dental cavities). You are basically getting very expensive sugar. And…a bonus:
Maltitol can Cause Intestinal DiscomfortUsually this takes the form of intestinal gas and cramping, but some people may find themselves with diarrhea. If you decide to eat products with maltitol, you’d be wise to start with a small amount and judge the reaction -- as well whether you’ll be in a crowded room a few hours later.
What is Maltitol? Maltitol is a sugar alcohol, an ingredient commonly used in low carb or “sugar-free” products such as candy and nutrition bars. It is used so much because of its similarity to sugar in terms of taste, mouthfeel, and interaction with other ingredients. Products which use maltitol and other sugar alcohols as sweeteners can be called “sugar-free.” Although claims are often made that maltitol has little impact on blood sugar, this turns out not to be the case.
Maltitol Has CarbsMaltitol is a carbohydrate. Although our bodies do not absorb all the calories in maltitol, this substance does provide us with 2 to 3 calories per gram, compared to the 4 calories per gram of sugar. (For what its worth I have noticed that the claim of 2 calories per gram usually comes from literature provided by the manufacturer or the low calorie food industry whereas other analyses tend to be closer to 3 calories.) Since maltitol is a carbohydrate, and since it provides calories, you would expect it to impact blood glucose. You would be correct.
Maltitol Has a Relatively High Glycemic Index In particular, maltitol syrup has a glycemic index of 52, which approaches that of table sugar at 60. The powdered form has a glycemic index of 36, which is still higher than most other sugar alcohols and all artificial sweeteners.
Maltitol is Not as Sweet As Sugar Estimates run from 75 to 90 percent of the sweetness of sugar. Again, the information provided by industry groups tends to give the 90% figure, while other sources say 75 percent. So, if maltitol has ¾ of the sweetness of sugar, ¾ the calories of sugar, and ¾ the glycemic index of sugar, it isn’t a far leap to the conclusion that you need ¼ more maltitol to get the same effect of sugar –which will give you close to the same effect in most other ways (except for dental cavities). You are basically getting very expensive sugar. And…a bonus:
Maltitol can Cause Intestinal DiscomfortUsually this takes the form of intestinal gas and cramping, but some people may find themselves with diarrhea. If you decide to eat products with maltitol, you’d be wise to start with a small amount and judge the reaction -- as well whether you’ll be in a crowded room a few hours later.
Here we go round the mullberry bush~
Whatever that means huh? Ok...
I have been in and outta my brain these last few days learning more about me and what makes a food addict tick... Why I eat has never been to difficult to figure out.. Right? I eat because I am hungry.. No brain er... I am always hungry so I always eat? Ok how possible is it to be always hungry? Am I? Can I be? Whats the difference between, not full and hungry? I can get full? No I don't think I can... I can be not hungry right? Ok... I am not full and can eat everything in my path.. I can be hungry and be satisfied,,,,
It all comes down to form and function.... I have been living in the need no form to function so long that my function has become my form..... I know this makes no sense right now bear w/ me....
The simple truth is depression is not laziness.. (Thank you Pat) Laziness is a product of depression.. Chemicals, chemicals we lack in our brains.... Envirment, a place we have been led to by our own self doubt, maybe self sabotage.. Lets not forget perhaps the most instrumental, the circumstance that happens to be the root... Childhood... learned behavior...
My family celebrates like many other American families. Food in excess, drink in excess... Life Love.... Everything in excess... It's what we know. It's what we teach our kids.....
Then we grow-up... Get a little wiser then the ones before us... This excess isn't working....
Watch what we eat... Eat smaller, less often... Better... Not enough.. Faster.. Slower..... All coming to the day that we learn even more.. AND do Even less....
I AM depressed, I eat too much I can't move because I have eaten myself unhealthy... I have tools now, more tools better tools... I am not lazy. I am sad.... I'm not worthless I was misdirected... I am not wrong, I was not informed...
The tools say...
Eat when you get up, eat protein....
Drink drink water
snack on fruits nuts
Drink water
protein
drink water
fiber...
portion....
walk....
LIVE...
It's not hard... It's the difference between living and dying.
It's the difference between mind healthy, body healthy and depression.
Choose Martina! Don't set yourself up to fail.... You are only failing yourself.....
Admit.. You are the one only you can change this..... Everyday Change it every day!
I am not Lazy... I was depressed... I was sad..... I was hurting.... I am alive.. I am strong... I am capable... I CAN.... I AM......
I have been in and outta my brain these last few days learning more about me and what makes a food addict tick... Why I eat has never been to difficult to figure out.. Right? I eat because I am hungry.. No brain er... I am always hungry so I always eat? Ok how possible is it to be always hungry? Am I? Can I be? Whats the difference between, not full and hungry? I can get full? No I don't think I can... I can be not hungry right? Ok... I am not full and can eat everything in my path.. I can be hungry and be satisfied,,,,
It all comes down to form and function.... I have been living in the need no form to function so long that my function has become my form..... I know this makes no sense right now bear w/ me....
The simple truth is depression is not laziness.. (Thank you Pat) Laziness is a product of depression.. Chemicals, chemicals we lack in our brains.... Envirment, a place we have been led to by our own self doubt, maybe self sabotage.. Lets not forget perhaps the most instrumental, the circumstance that happens to be the root... Childhood... learned behavior...
My family celebrates like many other American families. Food in excess, drink in excess... Life Love.... Everything in excess... It's what we know. It's what we teach our kids.....
Then we grow-up... Get a little wiser then the ones before us... This excess isn't working....
Watch what we eat... Eat smaller, less often... Better... Not enough.. Faster.. Slower..... All coming to the day that we learn even more.. AND do Even less....
I AM depressed, I eat too much I can't move because I have eaten myself unhealthy... I have tools now, more tools better tools... I am not lazy. I am sad.... I'm not worthless I was misdirected... I am not wrong, I was not informed...
The tools say...
Eat when you get up, eat protein....
Drink drink water
snack on fruits nuts
Drink water
protein
drink water
fiber...
portion....
walk....
LIVE...
It's not hard... It's the difference between living and dying.
It's the difference between mind healthy, body healthy and depression.
Choose Martina! Don't set yourself up to fail.... You are only failing yourself.....
Admit.. You are the one only you can change this..... Everyday Change it every day!
I am not Lazy... I was depressed... I was sad..... I was hurting.... I am alive.. I am strong... I am capable... I CAN.... I AM......
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Can you step in circles?
Maybe An eight....Yeah I'm stepping in an eight.....
Outside today is rainy, The greens are so green. I love this time of year.... We have such a small window until fall hits and winter and darkness once again dawns.... The lushness of Alaska holds stong in my mind. I try to remember this moment right now, for when winter comes.. When January lingers and the cold shoots through my bones I want the memory of this warm green perfect summers day~
The kids are at church, Brian is golfing. The Oz and I are making bread and dumplings for our chili supper tonight... Corn bread dumplings w/ green chilis and whipped honey...
I watched someone on youtube today show her extra skin... I am scared about my extra skin... Scared that It will be so much and really who fricking cares huh? I am still worried about it though. I try to think of all the great things that will come from this surgery. All the health benifits all the joy I will have... The mobility, I will be able to work again..... I am trying so hard to focus on all that!
Outside today is rainy, The greens are so green. I love this time of year.... We have such a small window until fall hits and winter and darkness once again dawns.... The lushness of Alaska holds stong in my mind. I try to remember this moment right now, for when winter comes.. When January lingers and the cold shoots through my bones I want the memory of this warm green perfect summers day~
The kids are at church, Brian is golfing. The Oz and I are making bread and dumplings for our chili supper tonight... Corn bread dumplings w/ green chilis and whipped honey...
I watched someone on youtube today show her extra skin... I am scared about my extra skin... Scared that It will be so much and really who fricking cares huh? I am still worried about it though. I try to think of all the great things that will come from this surgery. All the health benifits all the joy I will have... The mobility, I will be able to work again..... I am trying so hard to focus on all that!
Friday, June 20, 2008
step one..... foward~
WOO HOO I lost 4 lbs according to my pcp scale.... I am so proud of myself.. It is so hard for me to "just say no" I'm the only one that hears it, but when I do I feel soo good! Maybe it's getting easier... I still look in the mirror and cringe. I will until this face of mine starts to look like it used to my neck and jaw line are one in the same.. I hate that so much!
Anyway back to my appt.
All went well.. My Pcp signed off to still see me for normal medical problems... She was still kinda givin me shit about it because, She knows that if there is any problems that she'll still have to be the one I see being my wl Doc is so far away... But who cares she is sending the paper anyway!
This makes my second weigh in for Insurance WOO HOO only 4 more months and that will be done.. Getting closer everyday!
Today I feel soo good. My body doesn't hurt my feet have been doing ok I still have no feeling on the outside of them but the swelling is down. I miss my ride dangit.. I hope we can get it outta the shop soon! I wanna take Oz to the river and play! For the record. My Obgyn did send my records I messed up on the addy and they were sent somewhere else.. My BAD! She is calling me when she finds the exact record I am looking for... As of right now The only thing I am waiting for is 2004 weight charted if I can't find that then they will take 2002 then just my sleep study stuff then I'm in like flin!
Breakfast
6 grapes
4 small cubes of cantalope
lunch
taco bell grilled stuffed
sml side of corn chips
Lg water
Anyway back to my appt.
All went well.. My Pcp signed off to still see me for normal medical problems... She was still kinda givin me shit about it because, She knows that if there is any problems that she'll still have to be the one I see being my wl Doc is so far away... But who cares she is sending the paper anyway!
This makes my second weigh in for Insurance WOO HOO only 4 more months and that will be done.. Getting closer everyday!
Today I feel soo good. My body doesn't hurt my feet have been doing ok I still have no feeling on the outside of them but the swelling is down. I miss my ride dangit.. I hope we can get it outta the shop soon! I wanna take Oz to the river and play! For the record. My Obgyn did send my records I messed up on the addy and they were sent somewhere else.. My BAD! She is calling me when she finds the exact record I am looking for... As of right now The only thing I am waiting for is 2004 weight charted if I can't find that then they will take 2002 then just my sleep study stuff then I'm in like flin!
Breakfast
6 grapes
4 small cubes of cantalope
lunch
taco bell grilled stuffed
sml side of corn chips
Lg water
Thursday, June 19, 2008
one step back........ or whatever~
Yesterday I went to the hospital for a most of my tests. they all went well.. The upper GI was yucky, but I lived. Most of all the tests were faxed to my wls Dr. I went to see him today. That was a drag.. He is about 3 hours away and I was sick the drive up. I lived tho. We left around 6 am . . Got there to the office and it was cancelled. The Nut Doc was sick.. But bonus they got me into my next appt which wasn't till 2:30 @ my cancelled psych appt. Which got us outta there and left time to go on a great drive to one of our glaciers. We got some beautiful shots I'll be putting on my youtube! I haven't gained any weight since may. Stable, can't bitch about that huh? Nurse did let me know that my diabetes looks like is starting to come back... DAMNIT! Hopefully, I can watch my carbs and keep it at bay until my surgery!
My Obgyn still hasn't faxed my records , She is kinda pissin me off.. I'll call again tomorrow and ask the office to send! That is holding up my 5 year history. But that is easy enough to remedy, w/ those records. Lets see, what else?
They rescheduled my Psych for the 16 of July along w/ another nurse touch base to check on the rest of my list which is only, The Sleep guy, two meetings and a urine drug test! It was a great day, other then being sick. Oz had fun on the drive up Brian was Great and Chauni was Well Chauni. We also took Austin.. What a dingdong nut job, he sang the whole way up and most of the way back.. He made me laugh tho... I have my weigh in tomorrow. A talk w/ my pcp about her signing off to still see me after the wls! I also have to call and make an appt w/ the guy who does the compression socks WOO HOO I am very excited about that My feet, legs are killing me!
As for my food journal. Well the last couple days sucked... I had to fast for all of my tests so when I was done...Crap, Drive thru and Mc nugggets My weakness .....
I am starting again tomorrow!!
My Obgyn still hasn't faxed my records , She is kinda pissin me off.. I'll call again tomorrow and ask the office to send! That is holding up my 5 year history. But that is easy enough to remedy, w/ those records. Lets see, what else?
They rescheduled my Psych for the 16 of July along w/ another nurse touch base to check on the rest of my list which is only, The Sleep guy, two meetings and a urine drug test! It was a great day, other then being sick. Oz had fun on the drive up Brian was Great and Chauni was Well Chauni. We also took Austin.. What a dingdong nut job, he sang the whole way up and most of the way back.. He made me laugh tho... I have my weigh in tomorrow. A talk w/ my pcp about her signing off to still see me after the wls! I also have to call and make an appt w/ the guy who does the compression socks WOO HOO I am very excited about that My feet, legs are killing me!
As for my food journal. Well the last couple days sucked... I had to fast for all of my tests so when I was done...Crap, Drive thru and Mc nugggets My weakness .....
I am starting again tomorrow!!
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
Step two....... foward
Man what a night! Oz was up until 1 a.m. Back up @ 3 a.m. Down @ 5:30 a.m. up @9 a.m. Needless to say Brian didn't get much sleep and was grumpy for his birthday morning... I feel really awful for him.. To have to work 9 hours in the heat w/ his new sunburn on his birthday w/ no sleep> What a complete drag!
Oz is fine now, but damn screamed most of the night. We did the topical checks no fever, no drooling so he wasn't teething. No broken bones, blah blah blah ya know all the basics... Now he is sitting behind me on the floor trying to eat his Nerf football smiling like the happy boy he normally is.
Breakfast
4 oz natural apple sauce
2 pieces of multi grain toast/
2 teaspoons of peanut butter
6 grapes
33.8 oz water/true lime
Brian and I were going to go to dinner and a movie tonight, but after last night he might be too tired.. I haven't had a chance to go to town for him at all for a gift I suck... I know.... Last year I was in the hospital for Fathers day and his birthday. He spent it w/ his twin brother and supper w/ Chauni... This year I wanted to make it special, but again in case you missed it!!!! I SUCK!
Lunch
1 cp noodle roni 4 cheese (made w/ water no butter)
30 grapes
1 multi grain toast
1 teaspoon butter
33.8 oz water w/ TL
Snack
4 pieces of sushi roll
Brian came home and wanted to go to supper @ Suzies.. We went for a drive down to the river, came home and ate cake. The teens watched Oz for us and Josh was so proud telling us he changed Oz! WOO HOO GO Diaper Changing Fool!
Supper
chef salad lemon wedge
1/2 piece of garlic bread
12 oz water
12 oz ice tea splenda/ lemon
Snack
1 in by 1 in white cake
Good Day!
Oz is fine now, but damn screamed most of the night. We did the topical checks no fever, no drooling so he wasn't teething. No broken bones, blah blah blah ya know all the basics... Now he is sitting behind me on the floor trying to eat his Nerf football smiling like the happy boy he normally is.
Breakfast
4 oz natural apple sauce
2 pieces of multi grain toast/
2 teaspoons of peanut butter
6 grapes
33.8 oz water/true lime
Brian and I were going to go to dinner and a movie tonight, but after last night he might be too tired.. I haven't had a chance to go to town for him at all for a gift I suck... I know.... Last year I was in the hospital for Fathers day and his birthday. He spent it w/ his twin brother and supper w/ Chauni... This year I wanted to make it special, but again in case you missed it!!!! I SUCK!
Lunch
1 cp noodle roni 4 cheese (made w/ water no butter)
30 grapes
1 multi grain toast
1 teaspoon butter
33.8 oz water w/ TL
Snack
4 pieces of sushi roll
Brian came home and wanted to go to supper @ Suzies.. We went for a drive down to the river, came home and ate cake. The teens watched Oz for us and Josh was so proud telling us he changed Oz! WOO HOO GO Diaper Changing Fool!
Supper
chef salad lemon wedge
1/2 piece of garlic bread
12 oz water
12 oz ice tea splenda/ lemon
Snack
1 in by 1 in white cake
Good Day!
Monday, June 16, 2008
step one..... foward~
You know that Song... Here I go again on my own, goin' down the only road I've ever known? I keep singing it today.. Like some sort of theme song.. {Dancing around} I've made up my mind, I ain't wastin no more time!
Ok Ok Ok I know I know.... But Thats how I feel ok the run down on my so far...
Breakfast
2 cps bagged salad
1/2 cp tuna
1/4 banana
12 oz water
12 oz herbal tea
Snack
1Lg green apple
12 oz water
12 oz herbal tea
I am doin alright... No angry bathroom talk today.. I'm trying really hard not to sabotage my efforts w/ my own uncanny ability to talk myself into a binge cycle in a matter of moments..
My back is doing much better today I can walk w/ no pain at all my hip is still tender. Doable , w/out pain meds so far... I did chores this morning. I still have to sit down to do the dishes, but I am hoping that in a few weeks maybe I can stand a little longer. The laundry is still so difficult.. Not only can I not carry most of it but bending to get in and outta the dryer kills me... I am not writing this to keep anyone on the edge of their seat.. I am writing this so I can come back and see how far I have come after my surgery. My feet are doing well. the more water I drink the better the are. The swelling is normal, nothing too bad.
I have testing this week my EKG, Blood work up, chest xrays,upper GI,ultrasound and pulmonary function test. My monthly weigh in w/ my pcp.. I used to like her alot. Now she just gets on my nerves... SHHHH She had the surgery done (WLS) But she doesn't want anyone to know about... LOL Yeah ok FREAK!
For the record I am starving, I know not the best breakfast but I really wanted tuna, so I put it on a salad instead of bread...
Lunch
hamburger (mustard)
4 chips
3 mini graham bears
12 oz water
12 oz herbal tea
I go to Anchorage Thursday to see the wl Dr. I also have my Psych Eval.. I am kinda worried about that... Will she think I am crazy? Will she think this wls isn't for me? What should I say... I hear that I should not get to in depth w/ her just the basics.. So that Is my plan! The appt I had w/ the dietary nurse was a nightmare. I said way too much. She really didn't say anything I didn't already now, matter of fact she didn't know much about wls. It was one down here where I live not where I am going to have wls. Maybe I'll make an appt w/ the one my wls Dr. uses
Ok I have a softball game to go to in a little while. Chanui is so excited, she has won her last several games. I'll be back w/ my meal entry this evening.....
Ok I never went to the game.... I just didn't feel up to it, chauni was upset but forgave me... Brian went and took video...
Supper
2cp strog.
33.8 oz water w/true lime
snack 1 med. red apple
Ok Ok Ok I know I know.... But Thats how I feel ok the run down on my so far...
Breakfast
2 cps bagged salad
1/2 cp tuna
1/4 banana
12 oz water
12 oz herbal tea
Snack
1Lg green apple
12 oz water
12 oz herbal tea
I am doin alright... No angry bathroom talk today.. I'm trying really hard not to sabotage my efforts w/ my own uncanny ability to talk myself into a binge cycle in a matter of moments..
My back is doing much better today I can walk w/ no pain at all my hip is still tender. Doable , w/out pain meds so far... I did chores this morning. I still have to sit down to do the dishes, but I am hoping that in a few weeks maybe I can stand a little longer. The laundry is still so difficult.. Not only can I not carry most of it but bending to get in and outta the dryer kills me... I am not writing this to keep anyone on the edge of their seat.. I am writing this so I can come back and see how far I have come after my surgery. My feet are doing well. the more water I drink the better the are. The swelling is normal, nothing too bad.
I have testing this week my EKG, Blood work up, chest xrays,upper GI,ultrasound and pulmonary function test. My monthly weigh in w/ my pcp.. I used to like her alot. Now she just gets on my nerves... SHHHH She had the surgery done (WLS) But she doesn't want anyone to know about... LOL Yeah ok FREAK!
For the record I am starving, I know not the best breakfast but I really wanted tuna, so I put it on a salad instead of bread...
Lunch
hamburger (mustard)
4 chips
3 mini graham bears
12 oz water
12 oz herbal tea
I go to Anchorage Thursday to see the wl Dr. I also have my Psych Eval.. I am kinda worried about that... Will she think I am crazy? Will she think this wls isn't for me? What should I say... I hear that I should not get to in depth w/ her just the basics.. So that Is my plan! The appt I had w/ the dietary nurse was a nightmare. I said way too much. She really didn't say anything I didn't already now, matter of fact she didn't know much about wls. It was one down here where I live not where I am going to have wls. Maybe I'll make an appt w/ the one my wls Dr. uses
Ok I have a softball game to go to in a little while. Chanui is so excited, she has won her last several games. I'll be back w/ my meal entry this evening.....
Ok I never went to the game.... I just didn't feel up to it, chauni was upset but forgave me... Brian went and took video...
Supper
2cp strog.
33.8 oz water w/true lime
snack 1 med. red apple
Sunday, June 15, 2008
One more time around the mountian~
Well here I go Fathers Day 2008...
The kids went fishing w/ dad today, Oz is napping and here I sit starting my first official blg entry.. I have been reading and learning.. Reading , great blogs, boring blogs. Somewhere in between hope to find a place for me and my thoughts.... I'm not sure if I can communicate in all honesty as some on here do... My feelings are soo private right now... But I will try... For my own understanding somewhere down this long and twisted path.
My oldest son today told me he wanted to invent a tape measure that spoke, you know things like, "you lost three inches this month" or "You have reached your goal measurement on your hips!" Then started laughing. Even better, "You gained an inch fat ass." Have I mentioned yet that my 15 year old son thinks he's funny.... Well I'll keep you all posted on his invention to encourage all fat mothers alike~
I am going to start to blog my meals here as well.. Kinda scary for me, Ok very scary for me, I really don't have a meal plan, When I was preg, I followed a low carb because of my diabetes, and after I was doing weight watchers, But Crap as of now, I just eat when I am hungry eat when I'm not, eat when there is food and eat until its gone.... I have no idea what the hell is wrong w/ me. Tomorrow I start again . Watching, counting, writing.... Somewhere in this compulsion , this binge free for all, I have got to come to terms with why I am doing this and with what might make it stop. It's not like I don't have the tools... For Godsake.. I woke up this morning, again looked into the mirror and thought what a fat worthless monster you have become~ Would that seem strange for me to say out loud? Would someone think I was crazy.... I come outta the bathroom smiling, pretending that I didn't just tell myself that someone who looked like me shouldn't be allowed to live. Kiss Brian, get the baby and start my day..... Ok Breakfast.. this is easy, Eat some protein, so you're not hungry in two minutes.... But I fix Oz his grapes melon and banana instead, thinking I'll make mine when he is done.... 4 hours later, I'm so hungry I go ripping thru the kitchen starving. You know, when I am this hungry I don't even think about what I am going to eat... I just eat.. I grabbed an ice cream cone outta the freezer.... I ate it, I don't even think I remember eating it. Three hours later oh my God I am starving!!!! What can I eat.... Why am I so weak? Oh yeah I only ate an ice cream. Why did I do that? I don't even like those... I need to eat something w protein right now... Crap I should go shopping.. No I'll drink some water make a list then go.... Shit its 3 hours later ,what was I doing... I am starving.. Oh Look there's ice cream in the freezer. I'll eat one of those then go shopping... 2 hours.. this is fricking stupid, Now I have eaten two ice creams had some water and my lexapro... Supper is here I am shaking, pissed off, hungry.... Tired.... go to the bathroom look into the mirror and push my face really close so no one can hear me, and Whisper,you are a fat monster..... Why can't you just stop.... Wipe my tears and start supper.... Guilt myself into not eating.... My family see's I'm upset, but they don't know why..... they are as frustrated as I am w/ being like this.....
The kids went fishing w/ dad today, Oz is napping and here I sit starting my first official blg entry.. I have been reading and learning.. Reading , great blogs, boring blogs. Somewhere in between hope to find a place for me and my thoughts.... I'm not sure if I can communicate in all honesty as some on here do... My feelings are soo private right now... But I will try... For my own understanding somewhere down this long and twisted path.
My oldest son today told me he wanted to invent a tape measure that spoke, you know things like, "you lost three inches this month" or "You have reached your goal measurement on your hips!" Then started laughing. Even better, "You gained an inch fat ass." Have I mentioned yet that my 15 year old son thinks he's funny.... Well I'll keep you all posted on his invention to encourage all fat mothers alike~
I am going to start to blog my meals here as well.. Kinda scary for me, Ok very scary for me, I really don't have a meal plan, When I was preg, I followed a low carb because of my diabetes, and after I was doing weight watchers, But Crap as of now, I just eat when I am hungry eat when I'm not, eat when there is food and eat until its gone.... I have no idea what the hell is wrong w/ me. Tomorrow I start again . Watching, counting, writing.... Somewhere in this compulsion , this binge free for all, I have got to come to terms with why I am doing this and with what might make it stop. It's not like I don't have the tools... For Godsake.. I woke up this morning, again looked into the mirror and thought what a fat worthless monster you have become~ Would that seem strange for me to say out loud? Would someone think I was crazy.... I come outta the bathroom smiling, pretending that I didn't just tell myself that someone who looked like me shouldn't be allowed to live. Kiss Brian, get the baby and start my day..... Ok Breakfast.. this is easy, Eat some protein, so you're not hungry in two minutes.... But I fix Oz his grapes melon and banana instead, thinking I'll make mine when he is done.... 4 hours later, I'm so hungry I go ripping thru the kitchen starving. You know, when I am this hungry I don't even think about what I am going to eat... I just eat.. I grabbed an ice cream cone outta the freezer.... I ate it, I don't even think I remember eating it. Three hours later oh my God I am starving!!!! What can I eat.... Why am I so weak? Oh yeah I only ate an ice cream. Why did I do that? I don't even like those... I need to eat something w protein right now... Crap I should go shopping.. No I'll drink some water make a list then go.... Shit its 3 hours later ,what was I doing... I am starving.. Oh Look there's ice cream in the freezer. I'll eat one of those then go shopping... 2 hours.. this is fricking stupid, Now I have eaten two ice creams had some water and my lexapro... Supper is here I am shaking, pissed off, hungry.... Tired.... go to the bathroom look into the mirror and push my face really close so no one can hear me, and Whisper,you are a fat monster..... Why can't you just stop.... Wipe my tears and start supper.... Guilt myself into not eating.... My family see's I'm upset, but they don't know why..... they are as frustrated as I am w/ being like this.....
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