Does my ass make my face look fat?

This is how I pose w/ Oz now... Behind him, or face shots... All these are from last year he is much bigger now.. I want to have lots of pictures w/ Oz I haven't any w/ the other kids.. Too ashamed of how I look.. That is why I can do this DIET I am going to remind myself every moment if I have to about all the great things to come... I CAN DO THIS!



Well it is OHFISHL (I know... I know... but that spelling makes me happy so shut up!) I now know EXACTLY Why I amm soo DAMN FAT One Day on my DIET and I SUCK! and measuring food When you're hungry is a DRAG
I have learned that I need more protein in the morning then the evening.... Maybe it's just the idea of something I can chew... Drinking my breakfast makes me mad!
This morning I took some of the supper I made last night it was to be honest I didn't weigh so I'm guessing around 3 oz of chicken = 0 carbs 1/2 cp of re fried beans = 15 carbs - 5 for fiber = 10. 1 tablespoon of Brians salsa con questa = 1 carb. 11 carbs, 2.5 fat and 19.70 of protein for breakfast..
I am thinking that I will post the day after to just add up what I have eaten that day... I have a food journal to write all of this in as well... I have had 25 fl oz of water too so far... UUUUG!

AND, it begins....

This is how I feel... Freedom, just beyond the trees....
Brian took these last spring! I love them Eagles remind me of Freedom!



OH My My My...
I can't contain my Joy... I am sooo frickin excited.... I knew that I would be approved for WLS, that I was never worried about.. The time it takes for the insurance company to get back to the Dr. is insane. I got the call yesterday... Less then a week and I am approved! The Office wanted to know when was a good time for me to have surgery... LOL A good time for me to have surgery, ME! SURGERY! WEll ummm, YEAH! NOW NOW NOW Wait.. I haven't been on my two week diet yet... UUUUG! No problem, she says.. We can put you on the surgery schedule. Christy will call you and we will get the date set up... Holy Crap, that easy... thats all.. I have been jumping thru hoops for over a year and it's that easy? I still have to lose 10 lbs.. More then likely.. I have gained a few pounds.... HELP ME!
OK This diet is not so bad...
Carbohydrates ~ NO MORE THEN 30 grams a day
Protein ~ @lest 80 grams
Fat ~ no more then 60 grams
I have the protein thing down.. I drink soy protein 30 grams per shake. I have 3 of them a day. 130 calories .05 carbs..
AND lots of water.. I get so much water in I am floating.... I will start posting my meals tomorrow....
Here I go... My life is changing... BREATHE Martina BREATHE

FINALLY~~ Goes to insuance for a date!

Well the Dr. called and it is all finally done.. Only 2 years and 4 months later.... the first 7 months was due to my Dr not sending the report to the weight loss office. I should have known then and changed Dr. huh? I didn't tho and then she messed up and 3 months of my weigh ins putting me behind another 3 months... Alas, all is well and the insurance could take up to 3 weeks to decided if they think I need this surgery... Crap, you'd have to be deaf and blind not to see that I am dying slowly... Ok enough on that..



That was by far the best news I have had in a few days, right? Brian tells me this last week that we need to sit down and have a family meeting that Saturday... I ask about what and he tells me he has everything written down and if I could wait till the kids where there he would fill me in... Well my first responds was ok, fine.. Whatever.... The next day I poked and poked, He gave up nothing.. Well Saturday came and the kids were all gone. I forgot about it... Then... Sunday morning, He told me.... He can't live here anymore.. This house, here, this far.... outside of town... It is killing him... He stared to cry.. Not just little tears, but chest raising tears... It broke my heart.. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry... I sat there dead... "What?" I think, is all I said...



Move? NOW? No No No yeah No.. I am not moving....
For the whole story on our house please visit my early blogging days over at my myspace.. http://www.myspace.com/blessed_beyond_measure_
They are in my blog page..
Now 3 years later he wants to move.... I spent the first year on my back. The only thing I could do was dream of what this place would someday become. Knowing after my surgery I could plant my garden, can all my own veggies and all my fish... It really was the only thing that kept me going all those -45 nights w/ no water any sort of heat to speak of and don't even get me started on the huny pots!

Anyway....Here are a few pictures of what I see everytime I look out my window in the winter.. How could he want me to leave this? I simply can't

Lose 20 get 50

I talked to my WL Doc.. Today... I am soo excited. I have an appt the 10th in Anchorage Oh My Lord I can't wait... The boys and I have started our protein shakes in the morning.. It's been fun... On the 1st we all get weighed and the games begin.. I have the whole family in on this.. The first one to lose 20 lbs gets a 50 bucks to Gottschalkes.
They are all very excited even Sugapie who wants to lose some weight before the wedding...
I have gained 8 pounds since May.. WEll truth be told I have lost and gained the same 8 lbs since May.. I do although have to lose it before I can have the surgery.. I am not worried tho. The protein diet we all start the 1st will drop that 8lbs and more...
I can't decided if I want to cut my hair before surgery or wait until I have lost 100 pounds... I know I will wait tho, because I hate hate hate getting my hair cut..... Ok that was a random thought huh....
I really don't have much to say until the surgery is all signed and sealed.... Perhaps, I'll just wait till then to post another post...
~M~

Step two....... foward

Man what a night! Oz was up until 1 a.m. Back up @ 3 a.m. Down @ 5:30 a.m. up @9 a.m. Needless to say Brian didn't get much sleep and was grumpy for his birthday morning... I feel really awful for him.. To have to work 9 hours in the heat w/ his new sunburn on his birthday w/ no sleep> What a complete drag!
Oz is fine now, but damn screamed most of the night. We did the topical checks no fever, no drooling so he wasn't teething. No broken bones, blah blah blah ya know all the basics... Now he is sitting behind me on the floor trying to eat his Nerf football smiling like the happy boy he normally is.
Breakfast
4 oz natural apple sauce
2 pieces of multi grain toast/
2 teaspoons of peanut butter
6 grapes
33.8 oz water/true lime

Brian and I were going to go to dinner and a movie tonight, but after last night he might be too tired.. I haven't had a chance to go to town for him at all for a gift I suck... I know.... Last year I was in the hospital for Fathers day and his birthday. He spent it w/ his twin brother and supper w/ Chauni... This year I wanted to make it special, but again in case you missed it!!!! I SUCK!



Lunch

1 cp noodle roni 4 cheese (made w/ water no butter)

30 grapes

1 multi grain toast

1 teaspoon butter

33.8 oz water w/ TL

Snack
4 pieces of sushi roll

Brian came home and wanted to go to supper @ Suzies.. We went for a drive down to the river, came home and ate cake. The teens watched Oz for us and Josh was so proud telling us he changed Oz! WOO HOO GO Diaper Changing Fool!

Supper
chef salad lemon wedge
1/2 piece of garlic bread
12 oz water
12 oz ice tea splenda/ lemon

Snack
1 in by 1 in white cake

Good Day!

step one..... foward~

You know that Song... Here I go again on my own, goin' down the only road I've ever known? I keep singing it today.. Like some sort of theme song.. {Dancing around} I've made up my mind, I ain't wastin no more time!
Ok Ok Ok I know I know.... But Thats how I feel ok the run down on my so far...

Breakfast
2 cps bagged salad
1/2 cp tuna
1/4 banana
12 oz water
12 oz herbal tea

Snack
1Lg green apple
12 oz water
12 oz herbal tea

I am doin alright... No angry bathroom talk today.. I'm trying really hard not to sabotage my efforts w/ my own uncanny ability to talk myself into a binge cycle in a matter of moments..
My back is doing much better today I can walk w/ no pain at all my hip is still tender. Doable , w/out pain meds so far... I did chores this morning. I still have to sit down to do the dishes, but I am hoping that in a few weeks maybe I can stand a little longer. The laundry is still so difficult.. Not only can I not carry most of it but bending to get in and outta the dryer kills me... I am not writing this to keep anyone on the edge of their seat.. I am writing this so I can come back and see how far I have come after my surgery. My feet are doing well. the more water I drink the better the are. The swelling is normal, nothing too bad.

I have testing this week my EKG, Blood work up, chest xrays,upper GI,ultrasound and pulmonary function test. My monthly weigh in w/ my pcp.. I used to like her alot. Now she just gets on my nerves... SHHHH She had the surgery done (WLS) But she doesn't want anyone to know about... LOL Yeah ok FREAK!

For the record I am starving, I know not the best breakfast but I really wanted tuna, so I put it on a salad instead of bread...

Lunch
hamburger (mustard)
4 chips
3 mini graham bears
12 oz water
12 oz herbal tea

I go to Anchorage Thursday to see the wl Dr. I also have my Psych Eval.. I am kinda worried about that... Will she think I am crazy? Will she think this wls isn't for me? What should I say... I hear that I should not get to in depth w/ her just the basics.. So that Is my plan! The appt I had w/ the dietary nurse was a nightmare. I said way too much. She really didn't say anything I didn't already now, matter of fact she didn't know much about wls. It was one down here where I live not where I am going to have wls. Maybe I'll make an appt w/ the one my wls Dr. uses

Ok I have a softball game to go to in a little while. Chanui is so excited, she has won her last several games. I'll be back w/ my meal entry this evening.....
Ok I never went to the game.... I just didn't feel up to it, chauni was upset but forgave me... Brian went and took video...

Supper
2cp strog.
33.8 oz water w/true lime

snack 1 med. red apple

One more time around the mountian~

Well here I go Fathers Day 2008...
The kids went fishing w/ dad today, Oz is napping and here I sit starting my first official blg entry.. I have been reading and learning.. Reading , great blogs, boring blogs. Somewhere in between hope to find a place for me and my thoughts.... I'm not sure if I can communicate in all honesty as some on here do... My feelings are soo private right now... But I will try... For my own understanding somewhere down this long and twisted path.
My oldest son today told me he wanted to invent a tape measure that spoke, you know things like, "you lost three inches this month" or "You have reached your goal measurement on your hips!" Then started laughing. Even better, "You gained an inch fat ass." Have I mentioned yet that my 15 year old son thinks he's funny.... Well I'll keep you all posted on his invention to encourage all fat mothers alike~
I am going to start to blog my meals here as well.. Kinda scary for me, Ok very scary for me, I really don't have a meal plan, When I was preg, I followed a low carb because of my diabetes, and after I was doing weight watchers, But Crap as of now, I just eat when I am hungry eat when I'm not, eat when there is food and eat until its gone.... I have no idea what the hell is wrong w/ me. Tomorrow I start again . Watching, counting, writing.... Somewhere in this compulsion , this binge free for all, I have got to come to terms with why I am doing this and with what might make it stop. It's not like I don't have the tools... For Godsake.. I woke up this morning, again looked into the mirror and thought what a fat worthless monster you have become~ Would that seem strange for me to say out loud? Would someone think I was crazy.... I come outta the bathroom smiling, pretending that I didn't just tell myself that someone who looked like me shouldn't be allowed to live. Kiss Brian, get the baby and start my day..... Ok Breakfast.. this is easy, Eat some protein, so you're not hungry in two minutes.... But I fix Oz his grapes melon and banana instead, thinking I'll make mine when he is done.... 4 hours later, I'm so hungry I go ripping thru the kitchen starving. You know, when I am this hungry I don't even think about what I am going to eat... I just eat.. I grabbed an ice cream cone outta the freezer.... I ate it, I don't even think I remember eating it. Three hours later oh my God I am starving!!!! What can I eat.... Why am I so weak? Oh yeah I only ate an ice cream. Why did I do that? I don't even like those... I need to eat something w protein right now... Crap I should go shopping.. No I'll drink some water make a list then go.... Shit its 3 hours later ,what was I doing... I am starving.. Oh Look there's ice cream in the freezer. I'll eat one of those then go shopping... 2 hours.. this is fricking stupid, Now I have eaten two ice creams had some water and my lexapro... Supper is here I am shaking, pissed off, hungry.... Tired.... go to the bathroom look into the mirror and push my face really close so no one can hear me, and Whisper,you are a fat monster..... Why can't you just stop.... Wipe my tears and start supper.... Guilt myself into not eating.... My family see's I'm upset, but they don't know why..... they are as frustrated as I am w/ being like this.....