Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Goodbye for now!

It has been an interesting week to say the least.. I miss blogging so much and reading every ones blogs.... I'll give you the details in a moment... First, Thank you so much Reggie Girl for the wonderful surprise I received in the mail.... Yummy smells make me so happy! Second, Robyn, Every time I get to spend time w/ you is a blessing and my Suga Mama Sign is well yeah PERFECT! Great friends are far better then anything in my book!

Now on to the Drama...... I'll keep this short as not to fall into a state of mind I just crawled out of k!
For some time now I guess We have been having financial problems.. I knew since I haven't worked that we have been struggling but.... Life is life and we give up things for other things, huh? Friday of last week, I was resting and someone came to the door.. I didn't think much of it and figured if it was a friend they would have called... I went to let the dog out a few hours later and found.... A single piece of paper.... It described how my house was going back to the bank... Man oh Man can I tell you how very confused, pissed, scared I was....
Let me back up, Brian had told me a few months back that he wanted to move closer to town for at least a year so we could save some money....I didn't want to move but in the last several months decided that If that is what the family wants I would put my feelings aside for the time being..... I told Brian ok, but that I wanted to keep this place out in my Ak woods... He said, ok and then we just got busy w/ my surgery....

Come to find out, We had already lost the property.. Bri just couldn't bring himself to tell me....
He knew how very much I love where I live and how excited I was about getting healthy and planting my garden this spring....
Well here I sit... We have until the 4th to move.... It was hard to breath at first.. If I don't catch myself I really start to become angry.. I want to scream.... I don't understand how this happened.. How could he think he was sparing me by keeping this from me until now... How tired he must have become to live this lie for so long.... I will be packing up the pc tomorrow.. The kids seem to be having a problem packing and then playin on the pc... I figure if I pack it they won't have a problem huh? Everything goes into storage Saturday....At this point we haven't found a place.. I really am just too sick to do anything but pack.... I will be back... Thank you all for your grace for me.... I will see you in a few weeks I hope!

My name is Martina, I have problems....

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Live another day!

I want to be a Daisy blowing in the wild, bending to the mighty forces of heaven, swaying with the rhythm of the breeze.... Looking to the sky..... Breathing deep, reaching further.....extending my petals to tomorrow....
I am home.....2 weeks man, I wasn't down w/ that... I will indeed try my very hardest not to go into a rage about walking into the front door and seeing my kitchen and bathroom.... The up note everyone is safe and was taken care of... I will even keep my bearings about the food budget being doubled for the time I was gone.... The up again, is my freezer is still full of stuff to defrost and make these next few weeks while I recover... Not that they care they all went into some sort of processed food binge while I was away and homemade healthy food might just kill them....

Ok on to the surgery.....

Obviously I am alive!

My stats.. Two weeks before surgery I weighed in @ 434.

Day of surgery I weighed in @ 418 with a loss of 16 lbs..

16 lbs in less then 2 weeks is wild huh? That diet SUCKED!

As of my week out weight.... DRUM ROLL PLEASE....

I dropped a whopping 18 lbs in one week, the first 3 days I dropped 5 lbs then the last 4 days 13 lbs just fell off.... Shut up !!! I know huh?

The surgery itself was 2 hours long, I had to have surgery before that was an hour and 1/2 they had to put some sort of filter inside my hum.. well beside my business, and my inner right upper thigh.. Free Brazilian out of it OUCH!

Brian was able to bring Oz back to kiss me one more time and to say our love yous. Damn, that sucked I talked to the kids at home and then my Pastor and his wife came back and prayed over me.. No, I am not so important that they drove all the way to Anchorage for just me.. They were already in town... Geesh! ;) My Dr then came and prayed over me and his staff... I came out very sick, but that is normal... I must say the worst part of all of that was they kept giving me heparin for blood clots and I was on my cycle, Just imagine that.. Drag man.... The morphine pen I had rocked until I figured out I was allergic.. The itching made me nuts! I had done so well... Because of all my wonderful praying friends that I didn't even have to stay the second night... I know I was diggin that!

Well until that night in the hotel.... I woke up very sick.. Very scared... I had a huge panic attack.. What if God wouldn't forgive me for messing up my body, changing my insides from what he had created me.. What if I did this just to be thin... Not really to be healthy.. What if a clot gets me and I die and my children are left all alone because I was soo very selfish... Oh My Lord the What ifs took over and I was over whelmed with despair... Come to find out, my pain meds they had givin me were tripping me all out.... It was a rough night.. Poor Poor Austin... The next night wasn't much better lots of throwing up and crying.. Scared..... I went to the hospital the next day... Had the most amazing experience w/ the nursing staff and left knowing that I was in control... Throwing up was no longer an option.... My mind had to catch up w/ my decision flat bottom truth get it together Martina.. And I did! I didn't throw up after that I didn't have those dreams telling me I wasn't worth being better.. I had been so fearful for asking for help because I knew this was an elective surgery and I had elected to take the risk.... Some where in the darkness of fear I heard the Lord say, Have peace.... I knew then that this surgery was more then elective, It was elective in the sense that I decided to have it done, but even more then that I needed to live and needed the surgery to assist in that.. There is where I stayed... In that peace, mind you there were and still are moments I don't know what the hell I am doing... I get sick mostly from eating too fast. My tummy is the size of a golf ball and I love to drink water, crystal light I can't drink before I eat 1 hour at least and after.... But I am always soo thirsty... And I get sick.. It is a weird sick.... I start to sweat, I can feel my food or water right in my throat.. I get all fidgety and scared it won't go away.. I cry and ask God to remind me not to do that again.... Then I do it again....I am getting better though

Wow learning to have grace for myself is surprisingly difficult....

I am home w/ my family, the pigs for better or worse Loving every minute of it!

My back hasn't hurt since surgery and my I can see my feet, even my ankles.. Did you know I had ankles? I know nuts huh?

Much Love to all of you.. No really can I say that again...... You have become a group of women in whom I look to.. Not only look to, but need.. A very humbling moment for me.. I need you ladies so much, as I walk down this road..... Thank you

My name is Martina , and I have problems!


Thursday, April 9, 2009

Sorry just doesn't seem enough.. I suck sounds sooo much better!

I tried to leave a post on my family blog, But just screwed the pooch instead.. Most of those followers don't know what the hell I am talking about... Listen to me, Like I am a Blog Diva or something huh?
I called my Mum and Dad tonight... Shit, Ya know, I haven't seen my Mum and Dad in 8 years.. That my friend is too too long to go.... They are excited, scared... everything for me..... They have been on this road of mine from the beginning.. Funny, how I forget that..Seems that when you're a Mum yourself it gets harder to remember that you yourself have a Mum and Dad.... When I started putting on weight, my poor Mum tried so very hard to help.. I would just cry, Why oh Why can't I have what my brothers ate.... Through it all now I know, Now I understand.. I look @ my children and dream for them, even bigger then they themselves dream.

Do you think that they know I am doing this so I can watch them succeed . So I can be around celebrating w/ them comforting them.... Teaching them, learning from them.... Josh told me.. Mum, Please don't do this... At first I was angry.. How could he ask me not to do this.. Doesn't he know, can't he see? Then it hung over me these last few days... I asked him why he would say that.... He doesn't want me to die... He wants me round, it makes him happy, it comforts him.. He doesn't know me any other way... For so long I haven't been able to go anywhere do anything, I am here always... When he walks through the door he knows I will be here waiting, waiting for him, to tell me his adventures, his stories.. I am here defending him, when he gets into trouble, cooking for him, playing w/ him.... listening to him... I tell him That won't change... I will just be able to do it w/out being in pain... I will be able to go places w/ him..

Then I ask him, Don't you want me to be able to do the things that I didn't get to do w/ you or your sister? You guys missed out on so much..... Man, the look on his face... You know the look, maybe you don't.. The why the hell do you care about that now Look, The So we have to risk you dying so Oz can have a better childhood look...

When I was pregnant w/ Oz.. there was a lot of issues.. Because we live so far from the specialists I had to stay my last trimester up in Anchorage.. Because of that I had to farm the kids out and Josh had to go to Oregon to stay w/ his dad.. He was not happy w/ us, w/ me... Then when I gave birth to Oz and after I had been able to come home.. I had to be medivac back to Anchorage in a jet because I had a blood clot in my lung.. I came very close to dying.. I again had to stay in Anchorage for a week.. In this surgery the death rate due to blood clots is a huge risk.... Josh thinks that there should have been a vote some where in all of this... He thinks if I am gone.. Who would take care of him when his Cp puts him in a wheelchair....
Damnit.... Ok I have to stop.... This is getting me no where..... Don't even get me started, on Chauni and her wedding this summer.. Or Brian thinking I might leave him after I am skinny.. If I have to hear that statistic one more time I might scream.

Man, what a flippin complainer I am....
Thank you to all who made it to the end of this rant! Thank you for all of your prayers..... I do feel them.. I do know that God is in control.... Not me Thank God huh!

My name is Martina, and man do I have problems!

Saturday, April 4, 2009

My kids are trying to kill me!

Thank all of you for doing my six strange things......

I went to see my Wls doctor on Wen this last week.. I lost 6 pounds in just a few short weeks.. But have at least 4 more to go! I'm not sure if I will do it.. I suck! These last few days I have just been so low... Too low to even blog about it....I stopped taking my lexipro for about a week and man it kicked my ass... My Son Josh, is kicking my ass as well... He has drastic mood swings, where the most evil things come outta his mouth.. Always directed @ me... For I am the reason his life is Stupid, awful, boring, and lame!!! HEEHEE typing that makes me laugh! I don't know why, but it does! Josh took Chaunis car this Thursday and wrapped it around a telephone poll.. He had one of the other boys w/ him.. He called me screaming and hyperventilating.. The most terrifying phone call a mum could ever get..... They are ok.. Just by a miracle.... The car on the other hand the airbags blew right in the boys faces bruising them up pretty bad... The radiator was broke right in half, the engine pushed up into the dash and well lets just say the front is a mess... The worst part about all of this.. Chauni is gone at a conference up in Anchorage... I didn't have the heart to call her and tell her what had happened.... She comes in today.. Expecting me to pick her up w/ her car.... I am heartsick.. I don't know how to tell her, her first car she bought and paid for all by herself is totalled... She love her car as any 18 year old girl would... My son now will not be able to get his licence until he is 21.... Which is a small price to pay compared to killing himself or someone else is... But telling a 16 year old he can't drive till he is 21 is a gnarly conversation.... Growing up and paying the piper sucks.... I need to get so much done in just a short week .

Brian is still insistent on moving this month.. I am secretly still very angry... I try to be positive.. BUT... I am still pissed off! I have started my spring planting here in the house and when I am pissed scared overwhelmed I cook, plant and sew.. You should see my dinning room.. Soil, thread and canning jars filled w/ jams, sauces, cheese... I am slipping outta touch w/ everyone... And scared as hell about it! The kids and I planted wheat grass for their Easter baskets and the grass came up so nice..I have to go juice some now.. It sucks that wheat grass doesn't keep but a moment after you juice it.... I guess I'll just drink a gallon of it today.... LOOK OUT BATHROOM~