Sunday, June 29, 2008

peacock feathers. tweezers and oscar the grouch cupcakes!

Today was the DAY! We were all prepared for the Oz 1 Birthday Party.. But alas, the summer rains have foiled our plans.. Woke up early to call everyone on the party list to cancel.. Major bummer man! We had grand plans at a cute little park. A big pirate ship, walking the plank! DRAG.... Oh Well we are planning again next weekend. Like Oz knows any different huh?
Chauni and Josh have training all day for their next missions trip.... So it's just gunna be Pappa bear Oz and mommy.. We are headed up to the lake for a nice little wander about. Maybe a small fire and a few mellows...
First tho.. I have to run thru the house w/ a swiffer and destroy all this summer dust. I was moving my peacock feathers and saw about a winters worth of dust on them today YIKES! Also Got my tweezers outta my secret tweezers place! Don't ask I have teens who like to use them for everything... Anyway...... I went to use them, because my eye brows are scary! And Get this the little criminal broke them, but then put them back and never said anything... These tweezers were like 15 bucks.. I loved them, perfect for every unwanted hair on my body.... He snapped them in 1/2 UGGGH! He said, Get this.... God MOM, Why did you spend so much on tweezers.. That's your fault!
Are you kidding me? SERIOUS My fault... If I woulda bought cheap ones I wouldn't be so mad... What a Shit! I will get some pics up of Oz cupcakes for the cancelled party we did sesame street cupcakes... WOO HOOO!
As for my food intake.. Doing pretty good.... Trying to get in 65+ oz of water is kinda difficult but doing ok....
last nights supper
piece of chicken breast w/ ham and provolone
apple juice
33 oz water w/ TL
Pain meds for back today.. I went shopping last night and threw my back outta wack, little swelling w/ feet and legs.
Man I really have to get my rig outta the shop I have nothing to write about.. Yeah I suck!
Bill and Shirley stopped by and brought Oz his stool. they make these little wooden stools w/ the kids name on them really cute! It is always so hard to be relaxed when they come over.. Bill comments on my messy house and makes me feel like shit... Of course there was toys everywhere and a whole Sunday paper crumpled up that Oz had destroyed... SUCKED! However, they did drop of some halibut and salmon... We had halibut for supper YUMMO~
I think Brian and I are secretly fighting.. Well I'm not sure fighting would be the word.. We aren't talking really.. I know he is frustrated w/ me.. I am ashamed to admit it.. Even typing it here makes me uneasy. I am trying really hard to be honest here and open.. More difficult then I had anticipated...
DISCLAIMER~ I am going to be getting pretty real...
I don't want to have sex... I try to go to bed either after Brian is asleep or before he goes to bed...
I don't know whats wrong w/ me... I have been taking lexapro for a month now and I am thinking that must be it.... I have no desire. I don't want to stop taking lexapro though because It makes me feel better..
Brian is the kind of man that is so patient that he never asks for sex. He has always waited for me to approach him.. Which was all the time before I got preg. He had to go almost the whole preg w/out because of all the issues.. And really this first year of Oz sleeping not sleeping has just made me so tired. Now that Oz sleeps through most nights I am on this lexapro and Bri still isn't "getting any"
Crap, not only am I dealing w/ this fricking weight issue, food issue, Chauni issue... (Fill you in later) House issues.. I could go on and on.. But really......
Ok Breath.. First things first....
Since we have mooved into this money pit I have not had my bedroom.. You know the pre man bedroom I had for 10 years being single! To be honest to keep sheets on the bed is a pain in the ass really Bri moves so much and they pop off and it drives me nuts! I have puta clothes basket two feet from where he throws his clothes on the floor and DAMN IT he still throws them on the floor. My mission today is to get my preman room back! I used to have 20 pillows..... now! What happened... Candles.. My room used to smell like gardenias now it smells like diapers and dirty socks.... YUM!
Ok I feel better... Mission...... make room sexy (well as sexy as a crib will allow)~ Operation Make love to my man, is now implemented.. Stay tuned!! All my blogger fans~ Crap I forgot no one reads my blog!

Thursday, June 26, 2008

What is Maltitol?

Occasionally, someone will ask why their low carb diet isn’t working as they think it should be. One of the first questions I ask is whether they are eating products with a lot of sugar alcohols such as maltitol. Although it doesn’t have the same impact on every individual, this one ingredient has been known to stall many a well-intentioned dieter. Here’s why.
What is Maltitol? Maltitol is a sugar alcohol, an ingredient commonly used in low carb or “sugar-free” products such as candy and nutrition bars. It is used so much because of its similarity to sugar in terms of taste, mouthfeel, and interaction with other ingredients. Products which use maltitol and other sugar alcohols as sweeteners can be called “sugar-free.” Although claims are often made that maltitol has little impact on blood sugar, this turns out not to be the case.
Maltitol Has CarbsMaltitol is a carbohydrate. Although our bodies do not absorb all the calories in maltitol, this substance does provide us with 2 to 3 calories per gram, compared to the 4 calories per gram of sugar. (For what its worth I have noticed that the claim of 2 calories per gram usually comes from literature provided by the manufacturer or the low calorie food industry whereas other analyses tend to be closer to 3 calories.) Since maltitol is a carbohydrate, and since it provides calories, you would expect it to impact blood glucose. You would be correct.
Maltitol Has a Relatively High Glycemic Index In particular, maltitol syrup has a glycemic index of 52, which approaches that of table sugar at 60. The powdered form has a glycemic index of 36, which is still higher than most other sugar alcohols and all artificial sweeteners.
Maltitol is Not as Sweet As Sugar Estimates run from 75 to 90 percent of the sweetness of sugar. Again, the information provided by industry groups tends to give the 90% figure, while other sources say 75 percent. So, if maltitol has ¾ of the sweetness of sugar, ¾ the calories of sugar, and ¾ the glycemic index of sugar, it isn’t a far leap to the conclusion that you need ¼ more maltitol to get the same effect of sugar –which will give you close to the same effect in most other ways (except for dental cavities). You are basically getting very expensive sugar. And…a bonus:
Maltitol can Cause Intestinal DiscomfortUsually this takes the form of intestinal gas and cramping, but some people may find themselves with diarrhea. If you decide to eat products with maltitol, you’d be wise to start with a small amount and judge the reaction -- as well whether you’ll be in a crowded room a few hours later.

Here we go round the mullberry bush~

Whatever that means huh? Ok...
I have been in and outta my brain these last few days learning more about me and what makes a food addict tick... Why I eat has never been to difficult to figure out.. Right? I eat because I am hungry.. No brain er... I am always hungry so I always eat? Ok how possible is it to be always hungry? Am I? Can I be? Whats the difference between, not full and hungry? I can get full? No I don't think I can... I can be not hungry right? Ok... I am not full and can eat everything in my path.. I can be hungry and be satisfied,,,,
It all comes down to form and function.... I have been living in the need no form to function so long that my function has become my form..... I know this makes no sense right now bear w/ me....
The simple truth is depression is not laziness.. (Thank you Pat) Laziness is a product of depression.. Chemicals, chemicals we lack in our brains.... Envirment, a place we have been led to by our own self doubt, maybe self sabotage.. Lets not forget perhaps the most instrumental, the circumstance that happens to be the root... Childhood... learned behavior...
My family celebrates like many other American families. Food in excess, drink in excess... Life Love.... Everything in excess... It's what we know. It's what we teach our kids.....
Then we grow-up... Get a little wiser then the ones before us... This excess isn't working....
Watch what we eat... Eat smaller, less often... Better... Not enough.. Faster.. Slower..... All coming to the day that we learn even more.. AND do Even less....
I AM depressed, I eat too much I can't move because I have eaten myself unhealthy... I have tools now, more tools better tools... I am not lazy. I am sad.... I'm not worthless I was misdirected... I am not wrong, I was not informed...
The tools say...
Eat when you get up, eat protein....
Drink drink water
snack on fruits nuts
Drink water
drink water
It's not hard... It's the difference between living and dying.
It's the difference between mind healthy, body healthy and depression.
Choose Martina! Don't set yourself up to fail.... You are only failing yourself.....
Admit.. You are the one only you can change this..... Everyday Change it every day!
I am not Lazy... I was depressed... I was sad..... I was hurting.... I am alive.. I am strong... I am capable... I CAN.... I AM......

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Can you step in circles?

Maybe An eight....Yeah I'm stepping in an eight.....
Outside today is rainy, The greens are so green. I love this time of year.... We have such a small window until fall hits and winter and darkness once again dawns.... The lushness of Alaska holds stong in my mind. I try to remember this moment right now, for when winter comes.. When January lingers and the cold shoots through my bones I want the memory of this warm green perfect summers day~
The kids are at church, Brian is golfing. The Oz and I are making bread and dumplings for our chili supper tonight... Corn bread dumplings w/ green chilis and whipped honey...
I watched someone on youtube today show her extra skin... I am scared about my extra skin... Scared that It will be so much and really who fricking cares huh? I am still worried about it though. I try to think of all the great things that will come from this surgery. All the health benifits all the joy I will have... The mobility, I will be able to work again..... I am trying so hard to focus on all that!

Friday, June 20, 2008

step one..... foward~

WOO HOO I lost 4 lbs according to my pcp scale.... I am so proud of myself.. It is so hard for me to "just say no" I'm the only one that hears it, but when I do I feel soo good! Maybe it's getting easier... I still look in the mirror and cringe. I will until this face of mine starts to look like it used to my neck and jaw line are one in the same.. I hate that so much!
Anyway back to my appt.
All went well.. My Pcp signed off to still see me for normal medical problems... She was still kinda givin me shit about it because, She knows that if there is any problems that she'll still have to be the one I see being my wl Doc is so far away... But who cares she is sending the paper anyway!
This makes my second weigh in for Insurance WOO HOO only 4 more months and that will be done.. Getting closer everyday!
Today I feel soo good. My body doesn't hurt my feet have been doing ok I still have no feeling on the outside of them but the swelling is down. I miss my ride dangit.. I hope we can get it outta the shop soon! I wanna take Oz to the river and play! For the record. My Obgyn did send my records I messed up on the addy and they were sent somewhere else.. My BAD! She is calling me when she finds the exact record I am looking for... As of right now The only thing I am waiting for is 2004 weight charted if I can't find that then they will take 2002 then just my sleep study stuff then I'm in like flin!
6 grapes
4 small cubes of cantalope

taco bell grilled stuffed
sml side of corn chips
Lg water

Thursday, June 19, 2008

one step back........ or whatever~

Yesterday I went to the hospital for a most of my tests. they all went well.. The upper GI was yucky, but I lived. Most of all the tests were faxed to my wls Dr. I went to see him today. That was a drag.. He is about 3 hours away and I was sick the drive up. I lived tho. We left around 6 am . . Got there to the office and it was cancelled. The Nut Doc was sick.. But bonus they got me into my next appt which wasn't till 2:30 @ my cancelled psych appt. Which got us outta there and left time to go on a great drive to one of our glaciers. We got some beautiful shots I'll be putting on my youtube! I haven't gained any weight since may. Stable, can't bitch about that huh? Nurse did let me know that my diabetes looks like is starting to come back... DAMNIT! Hopefully, I can watch my carbs and keep it at bay until my surgery!
My Obgyn still hasn't faxed my records , She is kinda pissin me off.. I'll call again tomorrow and ask the office to send! That is holding up my 5 year history. But that is easy enough to remedy, w/ those records. Lets see, what else?

They rescheduled my Psych for the 16 of July along w/ another nurse touch base to check on the rest of my list which is only, The Sleep guy, two meetings and a urine drug test! It was a great day, other then being sick. Oz had fun on the drive up Brian was Great and Chauni was Well Chauni. We also took Austin.. What a dingdong nut job, he sang the whole way up and most of the way back.. He made me laugh tho... I have my weigh in tomorrow. A talk w/ my pcp about her signing off to still see me after the wls! I also have to call and make an appt w/ the guy who does the compression socks WOO HOO I am very excited about that My feet, legs are killing me!
As for my food journal. Well the last couple days sucked... I had to fast for all of my tests so when I was done...Crap, Drive thru and Mc nugggets My weakness .....
I am starting again tomorrow!!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Step two....... foward

Man what a night! Oz was up until 1 a.m. Back up @ 3 a.m. Down @ 5:30 a.m. up @9 a.m. Needless to say Brian didn't get much sleep and was grumpy for his birthday morning... I feel really awful for him.. To have to work 9 hours in the heat w/ his new sunburn on his birthday w/ no sleep> What a complete drag!
Oz is fine now, but damn screamed most of the night. We did the topical checks no fever, no drooling so he wasn't teething. No broken bones, blah blah blah ya know all the basics... Now he is sitting behind me on the floor trying to eat his Nerf football smiling like the happy boy he normally is.
4 oz natural apple sauce
2 pieces of multi grain toast/
2 teaspoons of peanut butter
6 grapes
33.8 oz water/true lime

Brian and I were going to go to dinner and a movie tonight, but after last night he might be too tired.. I haven't had a chance to go to town for him at all for a gift I suck... I know.... Last year I was in the hospital for Fathers day and his birthday. He spent it w/ his twin brother and supper w/ Chauni... This year I wanted to make it special, but again in case you missed it!!!! I SUCK!


1 cp noodle roni 4 cheese (made w/ water no butter)

30 grapes

1 multi grain toast

1 teaspoon butter

33.8 oz water w/ TL

4 pieces of sushi roll

Brian came home and wanted to go to supper @ Suzies.. We went for a drive down to the river, came home and ate cake. The teens watched Oz for us and Josh was so proud telling us he changed Oz! WOO HOO GO Diaper Changing Fool!

chef salad lemon wedge
1/2 piece of garlic bread
12 oz water
12 oz ice tea splenda/ lemon

1 in by 1 in white cake

Good Day!

Monday, June 16, 2008

step one..... foward~

You know that Song... Here I go again on my own, goin' down the only road I've ever known? I keep singing it today.. Like some sort of theme song.. {Dancing around} I've made up my mind, I ain't wastin no more time!
Ok Ok Ok I know I know.... But Thats how I feel ok the run down on my so far...

2 cps bagged salad
1/2 cp tuna
1/4 banana
12 oz water
12 oz herbal tea

1Lg green apple
12 oz water
12 oz herbal tea

I am doin alright... No angry bathroom talk today.. I'm trying really hard not to sabotage my efforts w/ my own uncanny ability to talk myself into a binge cycle in a matter of moments..
My back is doing much better today I can walk w/ no pain at all my hip is still tender. Doable , w/out pain meds so far... I did chores this morning. I still have to sit down to do the dishes, but I am hoping that in a few weeks maybe I can stand a little longer. The laundry is still so difficult.. Not only can I not carry most of it but bending to get in and outta the dryer kills me... I am not writing this to keep anyone on the edge of their seat.. I am writing this so I can come back and see how far I have come after my surgery. My feet are doing well. the more water I drink the better the are. The swelling is normal, nothing too bad.

I have testing this week my EKG, Blood work up, chest xrays,upper GI,ultrasound and pulmonary function test. My monthly weigh in w/ my pcp.. I used to like her alot. Now she just gets on my nerves... SHHHH She had the surgery done (WLS) But she doesn't want anyone to know about... LOL Yeah ok FREAK!

For the record I am starving, I know not the best breakfast but I really wanted tuna, so I put it on a salad instead of bread...

hamburger (mustard)
4 chips
3 mini graham bears
12 oz water
12 oz herbal tea

I go to Anchorage Thursday to see the wl Dr. I also have my Psych Eval.. I am kinda worried about that... Will she think I am crazy? Will she think this wls isn't for me? What should I say... I hear that I should not get to in depth w/ her just the basics.. So that Is my plan! The appt I had w/ the dietary nurse was a nightmare. I said way too much. She really didn't say anything I didn't already now, matter of fact she didn't know much about wls. It was one down here where I live not where I am going to have wls. Maybe I'll make an appt w/ the one my wls Dr. uses

Ok I have a softball game to go to in a little while. Chanui is so excited, she has won her last several games. I'll be back w/ my meal entry this evening.....
Ok I never went to the game.... I just didn't feel up to it, chauni was upset but forgave me... Brian went and took video...

2cp strog.
33.8 oz water w/true lime

snack 1 med. red apple

Sunday, June 15, 2008

One more time around the mountian~

Well here I go Fathers Day 2008...
The kids went fishing w/ dad today, Oz is napping and here I sit starting my first official blg entry.. I have been reading and learning.. Reading , great blogs, boring blogs. Somewhere in between hope to find a place for me and my thoughts.... I'm not sure if I can communicate in all honesty as some on here do... My feelings are soo private right now... But I will try... For my own understanding somewhere down this long and twisted path.
My oldest son today told me he wanted to invent a tape measure that spoke, you know things like, "you lost three inches this month" or "You have reached your goal measurement on your hips!" Then started laughing. Even better, "You gained an inch fat ass." Have I mentioned yet that my 15 year old son thinks he's funny.... Well I'll keep you all posted on his invention to encourage all fat mothers alike~
I am going to start to blog my meals here as well.. Kinda scary for me, Ok very scary for me, I really don't have a meal plan, When I was preg, I followed a low carb because of my diabetes, and after I was doing weight watchers, But Crap as of now, I just eat when I am hungry eat when I'm not, eat when there is food and eat until its gone.... I have no idea what the hell is wrong w/ me. Tomorrow I start again . Watching, counting, writing.... Somewhere in this compulsion , this binge free for all, I have got to come to terms with why I am doing this and with what might make it stop. It's not like I don't have the tools... For Godsake.. I woke up this morning, again looked into the mirror and thought what a fat worthless monster you have become~ Would that seem strange for me to say out loud? Would someone think I was crazy.... I come outta the bathroom smiling, pretending that I didn't just tell myself that someone who looked like me shouldn't be allowed to live. Kiss Brian, get the baby and start my day..... Ok Breakfast.. this is easy, Eat some protein, so you're not hungry in two minutes.... But I fix Oz his grapes melon and banana instead, thinking I'll make mine when he is done.... 4 hours later, I'm so hungry I go ripping thru the kitchen starving. You know, when I am this hungry I don't even think about what I am going to eat... I just eat.. I grabbed an ice cream cone outta the freezer.... I ate it, I don't even think I remember eating it. Three hours later oh my God I am starving!!!! What can I eat.... Why am I so weak? Oh yeah I only ate an ice cream. Why did I do that? I don't even like those... I need to eat something w protein right now... Crap I should go shopping.. No I'll drink some water make a list then go.... Shit its 3 hours later ,what was I doing... I am starving.. Oh Look there's ice cream in the freezer. I'll eat one of those then go shopping... 2 hours.. this is fricking stupid, Now I have eaten two ice creams had some water and my lexapro... Supper is here I am shaking, pissed off, hungry.... Tired.... go to the bathroom look into the mirror and push my face really close so no one can hear me, and Whisper,you are a fat monster..... Why can't you just stop.... Wipe my tears and start supper.... Guilt myself into not eating.... My family see's I'm upset, but they don't know why..... they are as frustrated as I am w/ being like this.....