Sunday, June 15, 2008

One more time around the mountian~

Well here I go Fathers Day 2008...
The kids went fishing w/ dad today, Oz is napping and here I sit starting my first official blg entry.. I have been reading and learning.. Reading , great blogs, boring blogs. Somewhere in between hope to find a place for me and my thoughts.... I'm not sure if I can communicate in all honesty as some on here do... My feelings are soo private right now... But I will try... For my own understanding somewhere down this long and twisted path.
My oldest son today told me he wanted to invent a tape measure that spoke, you know things like, "you lost three inches this month" or "You have reached your goal measurement on your hips!" Then started laughing. Even better, "You gained an inch fat ass." Have I mentioned yet that my 15 year old son thinks he's funny.... Well I'll keep you all posted on his invention to encourage all fat mothers alike~
I am going to start to blog my meals here as well.. Kinda scary for me, Ok very scary for me, I really don't have a meal plan, When I was preg, I followed a low carb because of my diabetes, and after I was doing weight watchers, But Crap as of now, I just eat when I am hungry eat when I'm not, eat when there is food and eat until its gone.... I have no idea what the hell is wrong w/ me. Tomorrow I start again . Watching, counting, writing.... Somewhere in this compulsion , this binge free for all, I have got to come to terms with why I am doing this and with what might make it stop. It's not like I don't have the tools... For Godsake.. I woke up this morning, again looked into the mirror and thought what a fat worthless monster you have become~ Would that seem strange for me to say out loud? Would someone think I was crazy.... I come outta the bathroom smiling, pretending that I didn't just tell myself that someone who looked like me shouldn't be allowed to live. Kiss Brian, get the baby and start my day..... Ok Breakfast.. this is easy, Eat some protein, so you're not hungry in two minutes.... But I fix Oz his grapes melon and banana instead, thinking I'll make mine when he is done.... 4 hours later, I'm so hungry I go ripping thru the kitchen starving. You know, when I am this hungry I don't even think about what I am going to eat... I just eat.. I grabbed an ice cream cone outta the freezer.... I ate it, I don't even think I remember eating it. Three hours later oh my God I am starving!!!! What can I eat.... Why am I so weak? Oh yeah I only ate an ice cream. Why did I do that? I don't even like those... I need to eat something w protein right now... Crap I should go shopping.. No I'll drink some water make a list then go.... Shit its 3 hours later ,what was I doing... I am starving.. Oh Look there's ice cream in the freezer. I'll eat one of those then go shopping... 2 hours.. this is fricking stupid, Now I have eaten two ice creams had some water and my lexapro... Supper is here I am shaking, pissed off, hungry.... Tired.... go to the bathroom look into the mirror and push my face really close so no one can hear me, and Whisper,you are a fat monster..... Why can't you just stop.... Wipe my tears and start supper.... Guilt myself into not eating.... My family see's I'm upset, but they don't know why..... they are as frustrated as I am w/ being like this.....

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