My bones are tired.... I think I will bury them in the snow

Well I went mad crazy... I chopped off all of my hair.... No Really I did it myself.... No I don't cut hair, never have.... I just took the scissors and started hacking away..... I cut about 14 inches off.... I couldn't brush it anymore.. With my arthritis and bursitis in my right shoulder it makes it so hard to brush long hair.... I am diggin it though... Not even close to being straight that makes me extra happy... I love looking just a bit off... Makes me smile!

My appt is coming up on the 1st.... I have my physical and history to get ready for surgery on the 13.... I am supposed to be on my diet... But today I sucked at it.... I however have not smoked my 1 a day cig since Sat... Not as hard as I thought it would be.. I know that everyday I have great friends praying for me and believe me you I can feel it...... Deep breath here.......

I don't have much to say tonight I am tired, but can't sleep... I canned up 6 quarts of homemade spaghetti sauce I will blog that on my other blog.. I also made other things a cranberry/ orange cake.. strawberry muffins and 6 loaves of banana bread and two loaves of french bread.. I am tired.. But Brian needs things to eat when I am gone.. I have made tamales and put them in the freezer. 5 loaves of wheat bread and strawberry freezer jam is next.... I have a couple more soups to freeze and one or two more batches of taco meat to put up and he should be good to go for a week...... Ugggg I am just rambling now!

My name is Martina and I have a few problems!

Shut up wordless Wedensday SHUT UP!

I have been up since around 4 a.m. I can't sleep.. too much on my mind.... Too much needs to be done! I have surgery in a few weeks! YIKES.. CRAP!! DAMN!!! Let me tell you that was cleaned up.. I have a few other adjectives but I will save them for my personal journal I keep under my pillow!

Every year I get my hair cut in April..Yes only once a year people... Don't like strangers that close to me... I know shut up! I donate my hair to Locks of Love and call it a day! Last year I hated my haircut... It was awful.. But hair does grow back.. So here I am this year... I am going pretty short .. I will be down for a few weeks and thought why not.. It will be so much easier to handle .. I have always loved long hair, seems the older I get it is kinda a drag.... But my fat face in short hair make me look like crap.. SO I figure if I get it cut now, by surgery day I might be used to it a little more....

Enough about that True confession time....

One of the rules and requirements of Weight Loss surgery is that you can't smoke...

I smoke 1 cig a day 2 one the weekends.. I have for about a year now.. I can go a few days then I just want one.. I have gone 4 days now because I know that they might check to see if I smoked anything.... If they suspect I have then I don't get surgery.... What the hell is wrong w/ me I have been jumping thru hoops for 2 years now.. Why can't I just stop.. For Godsakes man!!!

WEll like I said it has been 4 days... UHGGG!

I asked Brian to bring home something to drink.. You know, some stuff for a fuzzle Navel or two...

I am not a drinker, never really have been, but I was thinkin a few drinks and I would be good to go huh? No! I take a few sips and think.. CRAP, talk about addiction transfer.. That's what the Dr. says Will happen after surgery if I am not careful... Can't have food so people turn to other things.... Maybe this self sabotage is the battle I will always fight..

My name is Martina and I have a few problems....

thoughts and struggles~

Man, I look at myself.. I try to see the woman in my mind in this picture... Who is she.... How can I have gotten so Fat.... So far from the person in my mind... I want to cry... Wait... I am crying....

I used to pray to God, Please just let me wake up not hurting anywhere.. If I didn't hurt I could just move and lose weight.... It never happened.... I also prayed that somehow, somewhere there would be a miracle.. That I could maybe someday.... Move like I

used to... It took very little time to get this big, time on a calender that is..... It took many many years from my soul......

It's funny as a child you never think you'll grow up and be the fattest person you know.... I want to tie my shoes.. I want to walk while I hold Oz... I want... I want..... I need to dance... I need to lay in the sun.. I need to do all the things that cause my spirit to be alive... Not hide in shame because I don't want my children made fun of... Hide in shame because I don't want Brian to have to hold my hand in public... We get to the trail....

.. In my mind I scream OH GOD! How am I going to make it down.... Everyone around me laughing and bouncing about... Then I feel him behind me, I feel his soft touch.... Reaching for me, he smiles and gently takes my arm... He once again leads me forward.... The wave of fear is gone.... He never says a word.. He doesn't ask if I need help... He just does.... Does what he always does.... Saves me from my mind most of all...

I was approved and have a date!

I received the phone call I have been waiting for the last few years for... I received it after I got the call that my friend Beth died... I didn't feel like getting on here and being excited.... I guess I waited so long for this date, that when it finally came I was kinda numb...

I go up the 1 for some testing and then the 10 for my final stuff.. We will get a hotel for the weekend and then Sunday night I go into the hospital for surgery prep.. Monday I have surgery, stay in the hospital for two days.. I then have to go to a hotel and stay 8 more days in the city.. Then they release me to come home if there are no problems.. I don't for see any problems.. Austin and Chauni are going to stay w/ me while I am up there for the 8 days.. SO I can have Oz near me... Brian and Josh will stay home packing for our move....

Brian has agreed to keep the property.. I will be making the house payments, after I start back up to work... I haven't worked for almost 3 years now.. It's been weird to stay at home.. I miss working though! We keep the property so I can still have my garden. SO I can still keep my yard.... We haven't rented for awhile now.. I don't want to go back to renting, but Brian wants to so I guess we will.... As long as I get to keep my house in the woods I don't care I guess!

AND, it begins....

This is how I feel... Freedom, just beyond the trees....
Brian took these last spring! I love them Eagles remind me of Freedom!



OH My My My...
I can't contain my Joy... I am sooo frickin excited.... I knew that I would be approved for WLS, that I was never worried about.. The time it takes for the insurance company to get back to the Dr. is insane. I got the call yesterday... Less then a week and I am approved! The Office wanted to know when was a good time for me to have surgery... LOL A good time for me to have surgery, ME! SURGERY! WEll ummm, YEAH! NOW NOW NOW Wait.. I haven't been on my two week diet yet... UUUUG! No problem, she says.. We can put you on the surgery schedule. Christy will call you and we will get the date set up... Holy Crap, that easy... thats all.. I have been jumping thru hoops for over a year and it's that easy? I still have to lose 10 lbs.. More then likely.. I have gained a few pounds.... HELP ME!
OK This diet is not so bad...
Carbohydrates ~ NO MORE THEN 30 grams a day
Protein ~ @lest 80 grams
Fat ~ no more then 60 grams
I have the protein thing down.. I drink soy protein 30 grams per shake. I have 3 of them a day. 130 calories .05 carbs..
AND lots of water.. I get so much water in I am floating.... I will start posting my meals tomorrow....
Here I go... My life is changing... BREATHE Martina BREATHE

FINALLY~~ Goes to insuance for a date!

Well the Dr. called and it is all finally done.. Only 2 years and 4 months later.... the first 7 months was due to my Dr not sending the report to the weight loss office. I should have known then and changed Dr. huh? I didn't tho and then she messed up and 3 months of my weigh ins putting me behind another 3 months... Alas, all is well and the insurance could take up to 3 weeks to decided if they think I need this surgery... Crap, you'd have to be deaf and blind not to see that I am dying slowly... Ok enough on that..



That was by far the best news I have had in a few days, right? Brian tells me this last week that we need to sit down and have a family meeting that Saturday... I ask about what and he tells me he has everything written down and if I could wait till the kids where there he would fill me in... Well my first responds was ok, fine.. Whatever.... The next day I poked and poked, He gave up nothing.. Well Saturday came and the kids were all gone. I forgot about it... Then... Sunday morning, He told me.... He can't live here anymore.. This house, here, this far.... outside of town... It is killing him... He stared to cry.. Not just little tears, but chest raising tears... It broke my heart.. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry... I sat there dead... "What?" I think, is all I said...



Move? NOW? No No No yeah No.. I am not moving....
For the whole story on our house please visit my early blogging days over at my myspace.. http://www.myspace.com/blessed_beyond_measure_
They are in my blog page..
Now 3 years later he wants to move.... I spent the first year on my back. The only thing I could do was dream of what this place would someday become. Knowing after my surgery I could plant my garden, can all my own veggies and all my fish... It really was the only thing that kept me going all those -45 nights w/ no water any sort of heat to speak of and don't even get me started on the huny pots!

Anyway....Here are a few pictures of what I see everytime I look out my window in the winter.. How could he want me to leave this? I simply can't

Lose 20 get 50

I talked to my WL Doc.. Today... I am soo excited. I have an appt the 10th in Anchorage Oh My Lord I can't wait... The boys and I have started our protein shakes in the morning.. It's been fun... On the 1st we all get weighed and the games begin.. I have the whole family in on this.. The first one to lose 20 lbs gets a 50 bucks to Gottschalkes.
They are all very excited even Sugapie who wants to lose some weight before the wedding...
I have gained 8 pounds since May.. WEll truth be told I have lost and gained the same 8 lbs since May.. I do although have to lose it before I can have the surgery.. I am not worried tho. The protein diet we all start the 1st will drop that 8lbs and more...
I can't decided if I want to cut my hair before surgery or wait until I have lost 100 pounds... I know I will wait tho, because I hate hate hate getting my hair cut..... Ok that was a random thought huh....
I really don't have much to say until the surgery is all signed and sealed.... Perhaps, I'll just wait till then to post another post...
~M~

All down hill from here~

Chauni took this pic a few weeks ago I thought my cold sore looked extra festive that day~

I know It has been forever since I have been here... I really don't allow myself to write when I am going thru things... Maybe something I learned as a child, No evidence left behind kinda thing.... Tomorrow is my last weigh in. I was already supposed to be done, but my Evil Pc in ALL her glory MESSED up on 2 of my weigh ins and WALLA..... I needed 2 more months.. I try really hard not to wish she gets hit by a truck! Now it's all so close to being done....


Crap, I am soo tired of waiting. I am soo tired of kissing asses and shutting my mouth when all I want to do is scream....


Anyone going thru any sort of insurance approval knows my plight.... Stand up, sit down, run in circles until you are so pissed off and tired you just give up..... I am there... I still have to go to 2 meeting in Anchorage before the send to insurance for final approval...


My back has been out for about 3 weeks.. It is slowly getting better. I still can't walk upright.. I look like a little old lady walking around all hunched over shuffling my feet.. I still have to sit down to wash dishes and vacuum. Which makes me just cry most days.. I do see the light at the end of the tunnel, I do..... The tunnel just seems so frickin far away today...


I started a new blog this last week. Things that I do w/ the family and around the house... I wanted this blog to just be about my feeling about everything to do w/ my weight loss. Well feeling about my life.. It is hard enough for me to open up here. I didn't want to mix the two. I must warn you this blog really is more about my head and heart, the other one just for fun really~

I think I'll drink wine~

This weekend is the weekend we have set aside to clean the, well you might call it a yard if you define"yard" as the area in front of your dwelling. We have chaos and clutter. I am starting to look like I live at my parents house.. The old stories are true.. Up here in Ak remodeling seems to go on forever.... My kitchen is a wreck my dinning room floor is insane and Don't even get me started on the damn pluming... I want the yard done this weekend. If it kills all involved I really don't care at this point. We have the new fence that Brian got a few months ago and it is still in several piles through out the field of shit.. Josh has his broke down 4 wheeler and the two snow machines just hanging out like there is going to be snow any day. Brian has the boat in the drive way like we have the money to go put her in the river.. Who am I kidding that boat has been in the same spot since last summer when he used it.. This family has something new coming and momma ain't happy! For the last two years I have let everything slide, my house work included... I'm sick and damn tired of all this clutter and chaos! Someone is going down and it's not going to be me!
We get our furniture today after Brian gets off work. I am excited about that.. It's not new but I hear it is nice, I haven't seen it. I am hoping that it doesn't look like crap!
Ok yesterday I had about 350 calories all day.. I did get my water in.. I am sure it is because we really need to go shopping and there just wasn't anything to eat.. Brian and Chauni did do a little shopping yesterday before they came home from work.. So needless to say, I ate like a damn pig... No really I am sure if you would have seen me you might have even gotten sick!
ribs from the deli
two pieces of sushi
handful of grapes
2 veg rice paper wrapped
4 jo jos
3 cinnamon twist (Brian got for Oz)
1 1/2 cup vanilla ice cream
I was so sick! Uggh~
Off to clean frig and make marinade for the Salmon I am smoking Sunday~

step one..... foward~

WOO HOO I lost 4 lbs according to my pcp scale.... I am so proud of myself.. It is so hard for me to "just say no" I'm the only one that hears it, but when I do I feel soo good! Maybe it's getting easier... I still look in the mirror and cringe. I will until this face of mine starts to look like it used to my neck and jaw line are one in the same.. I hate that so much!
Anyway back to my appt.
All went well.. My Pcp signed off to still see me for normal medical problems... She was still kinda givin me shit about it because, She knows that if there is any problems that she'll still have to be the one I see being my wl Doc is so far away... But who cares she is sending the paper anyway!
This makes my second weigh in for Insurance WOO HOO only 4 more months and that will be done.. Getting closer everyday!
Today I feel soo good. My body doesn't hurt my feet have been doing ok I still have no feeling on the outside of them but the swelling is down. I miss my ride dangit.. I hope we can get it outta the shop soon! I wanna take Oz to the river and play! For the record. My Obgyn did send my records I messed up on the addy and they were sent somewhere else.. My BAD! She is calling me when she finds the exact record I am looking for... As of right now The only thing I am waiting for is 2004 weight charted if I can't find that then they will take 2002 then just my sleep study stuff then I'm in like flin!
Breakfast
6 grapes
4 small cubes of cantalope

lunch
taco bell grilled stuffed
sml side of corn chips
Lg water

one step back........ or whatever~

Yesterday I went to the hospital for a most of my tests. they all went well.. The upper GI was yucky, but I lived. Most of all the tests were faxed to my wls Dr. I went to see him today. That was a drag.. He is about 3 hours away and I was sick the drive up. I lived tho. We left around 6 am . . Got there to the office and it was cancelled. The Nut Doc was sick.. But bonus they got me into my next appt which wasn't till 2:30 @ my cancelled psych appt. Which got us outta there and left time to go on a great drive to one of our glaciers. We got some beautiful shots I'll be putting on my youtube! I haven't gained any weight since may. Stable, can't bitch about that huh? Nurse did let me know that my diabetes looks like is starting to come back... DAMNIT! Hopefully, I can watch my carbs and keep it at bay until my surgery!
My Obgyn still hasn't faxed my records , She is kinda pissin me off.. I'll call again tomorrow and ask the office to send! That is holding up my 5 year history. But that is easy enough to remedy, w/ those records. Lets see, what else?

They rescheduled my Psych for the 16 of July along w/ another nurse touch base to check on the rest of my list which is only, The Sleep guy, two meetings and a urine drug test! It was a great day, other then being sick. Oz had fun on the drive up Brian was Great and Chauni was Well Chauni. We also took Austin.. What a dingdong nut job, he sang the whole way up and most of the way back.. He made me laugh tho... I have my weigh in tomorrow. A talk w/ my pcp about her signing off to still see me after the wls! I also have to call and make an appt w/ the guy who does the compression socks WOO HOO I am very excited about that My feet, legs are killing me!
As for my food journal. Well the last couple days sucked... I had to fast for all of my tests so when I was done...Crap, Drive thru and Mc nugggets My weakness .....
I am starting again tomorrow!!

Step two....... foward

Man what a night! Oz was up until 1 a.m. Back up @ 3 a.m. Down @ 5:30 a.m. up @9 a.m. Needless to say Brian didn't get much sleep and was grumpy for his birthday morning... I feel really awful for him.. To have to work 9 hours in the heat w/ his new sunburn on his birthday w/ no sleep> What a complete drag!
Oz is fine now, but damn screamed most of the night. We did the topical checks no fever, no drooling so he wasn't teething. No broken bones, blah blah blah ya know all the basics... Now he is sitting behind me on the floor trying to eat his Nerf football smiling like the happy boy he normally is.
Breakfast
4 oz natural apple sauce
2 pieces of multi grain toast/
2 teaspoons of peanut butter
6 grapes
33.8 oz water/true lime

Brian and I were going to go to dinner and a movie tonight, but after last night he might be too tired.. I haven't had a chance to go to town for him at all for a gift I suck... I know.... Last year I was in the hospital for Fathers day and his birthday. He spent it w/ his twin brother and supper w/ Chauni... This year I wanted to make it special, but again in case you missed it!!!! I SUCK!



Lunch

1 cp noodle roni 4 cheese (made w/ water no butter)

30 grapes

1 multi grain toast

1 teaspoon butter

33.8 oz water w/ TL

Snack
4 pieces of sushi roll

Brian came home and wanted to go to supper @ Suzies.. We went for a drive down to the river, came home and ate cake. The teens watched Oz for us and Josh was so proud telling us he changed Oz! WOO HOO GO Diaper Changing Fool!

Supper
chef salad lemon wedge
1/2 piece of garlic bread
12 oz water
12 oz ice tea splenda/ lemon

Snack
1 in by 1 in white cake

Good Day!

step one..... foward~

You know that Song... Here I go again on my own, goin' down the only road I've ever known? I keep singing it today.. Like some sort of theme song.. {Dancing around} I've made up my mind, I ain't wastin no more time!
Ok Ok Ok I know I know.... But Thats how I feel ok the run down on my so far...

Breakfast
2 cps bagged salad
1/2 cp tuna
1/4 banana
12 oz water
12 oz herbal tea

Snack
1Lg green apple
12 oz water
12 oz herbal tea

I am doin alright... No angry bathroom talk today.. I'm trying really hard not to sabotage my efforts w/ my own uncanny ability to talk myself into a binge cycle in a matter of moments..
My back is doing much better today I can walk w/ no pain at all my hip is still tender. Doable , w/out pain meds so far... I did chores this morning. I still have to sit down to do the dishes, but I am hoping that in a few weeks maybe I can stand a little longer. The laundry is still so difficult.. Not only can I not carry most of it but bending to get in and outta the dryer kills me... I am not writing this to keep anyone on the edge of their seat.. I am writing this so I can come back and see how far I have come after my surgery. My feet are doing well. the more water I drink the better the are. The swelling is normal, nothing too bad.

I have testing this week my EKG, Blood work up, chest xrays,upper GI,ultrasound and pulmonary function test. My monthly weigh in w/ my pcp.. I used to like her alot. Now she just gets on my nerves... SHHHH She had the surgery done (WLS) But she doesn't want anyone to know about... LOL Yeah ok FREAK!

For the record I am starving, I know not the best breakfast but I really wanted tuna, so I put it on a salad instead of bread...

Lunch
hamburger (mustard)
4 chips
3 mini graham bears
12 oz water
12 oz herbal tea

I go to Anchorage Thursday to see the wl Dr. I also have my Psych Eval.. I am kinda worried about that... Will she think I am crazy? Will she think this wls isn't for me? What should I say... I hear that I should not get to in depth w/ her just the basics.. So that Is my plan! The appt I had w/ the dietary nurse was a nightmare. I said way too much. She really didn't say anything I didn't already now, matter of fact she didn't know much about wls. It was one down here where I live not where I am going to have wls. Maybe I'll make an appt w/ the one my wls Dr. uses

Ok I have a softball game to go to in a little while. Chanui is so excited, she has won her last several games. I'll be back w/ my meal entry this evening.....
Ok I never went to the game.... I just didn't feel up to it, chauni was upset but forgave me... Brian went and took video...

Supper
2cp strog.
33.8 oz water w/true lime

snack 1 med. red apple

One more time around the mountian~

Well here I go Fathers Day 2008...
The kids went fishing w/ dad today, Oz is napping and here I sit starting my first official blg entry.. I have been reading and learning.. Reading , great blogs, boring blogs. Somewhere in between hope to find a place for me and my thoughts.... I'm not sure if I can communicate in all honesty as some on here do... My feelings are soo private right now... But I will try... For my own understanding somewhere down this long and twisted path.
My oldest son today told me he wanted to invent a tape measure that spoke, you know things like, "you lost three inches this month" or "You have reached your goal measurement on your hips!" Then started laughing. Even better, "You gained an inch fat ass." Have I mentioned yet that my 15 year old son thinks he's funny.... Well I'll keep you all posted on his invention to encourage all fat mothers alike~
I am going to start to blog my meals here as well.. Kinda scary for me, Ok very scary for me, I really don't have a meal plan, When I was preg, I followed a low carb because of my diabetes, and after I was doing weight watchers, But Crap as of now, I just eat when I am hungry eat when I'm not, eat when there is food and eat until its gone.... I have no idea what the hell is wrong w/ me. Tomorrow I start again . Watching, counting, writing.... Somewhere in this compulsion , this binge free for all, I have got to come to terms with why I am doing this and with what might make it stop. It's not like I don't have the tools... For Godsake.. I woke up this morning, again looked into the mirror and thought what a fat worthless monster you have become~ Would that seem strange for me to say out loud? Would someone think I was crazy.... I come outta the bathroom smiling, pretending that I didn't just tell myself that someone who looked like me shouldn't be allowed to live. Kiss Brian, get the baby and start my day..... Ok Breakfast.. this is easy, Eat some protein, so you're not hungry in two minutes.... But I fix Oz his grapes melon and banana instead, thinking I'll make mine when he is done.... 4 hours later, I'm so hungry I go ripping thru the kitchen starving. You know, when I am this hungry I don't even think about what I am going to eat... I just eat.. I grabbed an ice cream cone outta the freezer.... I ate it, I don't even think I remember eating it. Three hours later oh my God I am starving!!!! What can I eat.... Why am I so weak? Oh yeah I only ate an ice cream. Why did I do that? I don't even like those... I need to eat something w protein right now... Crap I should go shopping.. No I'll drink some water make a list then go.... Shit its 3 hours later ,what was I doing... I am starving.. Oh Look there's ice cream in the freezer. I'll eat one of those then go shopping... 2 hours.. this is fricking stupid, Now I have eaten two ice creams had some water and my lexapro... Supper is here I am shaking, pissed off, hungry.... Tired.... go to the bathroom look into the mirror and push my face really close so no one can hear me, and Whisper,you are a fat monster..... Why can't you just stop.... Wipe my tears and start supper.... Guilt myself into not eating.... My family see's I'm upset, but they don't know why..... they are as frustrated as I am w/ being like this.....