Tuesday, March 17, 2009

thoughts and struggles~

Man, I look at myself.. I try to see the woman in my mind in this picture... Who is she.... How can I have gotten so Fat.... So far from the person in my mind... I want to cry... Wait... I am crying....

I used to pray to God, Please just let me wake up not hurting anywhere.. If I didn't hurt I could just move and lose weight.... It never happened.... I also prayed that somehow, somewhere there would be a miracle.. That I could maybe someday.... Move like I

used to... It took very little time to get this big, time on a calender that is..... It took many many years from my soul......

It's funny as a child you never think you'll grow up and be the fattest person you know.... I want to tie my shoes.. I want to walk while I hold Oz... I want... I want..... I need to dance... I need to lay in the sun.. I need to do all the things that cause my spirit to be alive... Not hide in shame because I don't want my children made fun of... Hide in shame because I don't want Brian to have to hold my hand in public... We get to the trail....
.. In my mind I scream OH GOD! How am I going to make it down.... Everyone around me laughing and bouncing about... Then I feel him behind me, I feel his soft touch.... Reaching for me, he smiles and gently takes my arm... He once again leads me forward.... The wave of fear is gone.... He never says a word.. He doesn't ask if I need help... He just does.... Does what he always does.... Saves me from my mind most of all...


  1. First of all I want to say I love you, No matter what! I can somewhat understand your feelings, and I pray that you will have and be what you want. I want to lay in the sun with you, and I surely would do it now! I guess now I'm lost for words, but know I'm here for you!

  2. I know how you feel and I am walking this walk with you. No one can understand that we don't WANT to be the way we are.

    I love you too...one day we will haul ass together and be there to help the others down the hill!

  3. Hi there...I popped over from another blog. I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're hurting but it sounds like you've started on a new journey and I wish you the best.

  4. It feels like you are writing my story. Where does it end ?

  5. I'm crying. Honestly. This is beautiful and honest and I thank you for letting me into your life.