you are my sunshine....

Man, I miss you ladies so much....

I am just 9 weeks out and 83 lbs down...

We have moved and are finally settled what a ride!

I will be getting internet soon at the house and wanted to tell all of you I am well and can't wait to get back in the groove w/ my bloggin peeps!

Come back soon for pics and all the juicy details of what it takes to lose 83 lbs in just over two months! UUUUG!

My name is Martina and boy do I have a story to share!

~M~

I once was lost, but now I'm found!

Oh My sweet cheekas...
I am alive and well....
We have a new house but it won't be ready for 3 weeks so we are camping... We are loving it soo much... The kids have been great... Oz is diggin it most of all... Chauni could do w/out the rain and Josh is a bit tired from hauling wood.... Most of all I love it.... I get to be w/ my family and make even greater memories then before... I can't really see myself living in a town, but I am going to try... They all so badly want to live in a town.. I think they are NUTS, but a year won't kill me huh! We wake up to Eagles every morning as well as a few feisty black bears, the moose are all over the place waiting to drop spring babies... I have spent the last few days settin up camp and am excited to now start taking pictures. We did have a freak moment the first night, involving Josh some hot grease and my lower leg... It sent me to the ER.. i ended up w/ 2nd degree burns and blisters from my knee down.. Makes it a total drag to try to bend, walk, crawl into the tent.. Blah Blah Blah... Even that can't bring me down. We have never been homeless, but in the same turn we as a whole family have never been more happy.....
I am sad that we lost the house, But I know the great things God has for us will bring even sweeter joy!
NOW on to my weigh in!!!!!!!!
I have now made it below 400 lbs!!!!!
Scale says 397.. I had what they call a stall for a week or so.. No weight loss at all.. Let me tell you that SUCKED man!I was getting about 340 calories a day and not losing a thing! The Doc said it was my body in shock not wanting to give up any fat at all.. Then all of a sudden 5 lbs in 2 days.. SHUT UP!!!! I know huh? I feel AMAZING. My Back still doesn't hurt.. SO many years in pain and it just disappeared.. I can't stop the tears when I think about it.... No one can really tell tell yet, but I can....
I tell myself it wasn't about looking hot It was about feeling better... AND Man, I feel so much more alive! We are taking showers and washing clothes right now.. I am on the laptop... I hope to be on every few days w/ new stories and updates! I hope to get to read all of your blogs and catch up on everything! God is good.. You know I can't even type that w/ out my eyes filling w/ tears....
My name is Martina and just because I don't have a house, doesn't mean I don't have a home!
Much love, ~M~

Goodbye for now!

It has been an interesting week to say the least.. I miss blogging so much and reading every ones blogs.... I'll give you the details in a moment... First, Thank you so much Reggie Girl for the wonderful surprise I received in the mail.... Yummy smells make me so happy! Second, Robyn, Every time I get to spend time w/ you is a blessing and my Suga Mama Sign is well yeah PERFECT! Great friends are far better then anything in my book!

Now on to the Drama...... I'll keep this short as not to fall into a state of mind I just crawled out of k!
For some time now I guess We have been having financial problems.. I knew since I haven't worked that we have been struggling but.... Life is life and we give up things for other things, huh? Friday of last week, I was resting and someone came to the door.. I didn't think much of it and figured if it was a friend they would have called... I went to let the dog out a few hours later and found.... A single piece of paper.... It described how my house was going back to the bank... Man oh Man can I tell you how very confused, pissed, scared I was....
Let me back up, Brian had told me a few months back that he wanted to move closer to town for at least a year so we could save some money....I didn't want to move but in the last several months decided that If that is what the family wants I would put my feelings aside for the time being..... I told Brian ok, but that I wanted to keep this place out in my Ak woods... He said, ok and then we just got busy w/ my surgery....

Come to find out, We had already lost the property.. Bri just couldn't bring himself to tell me....
He knew how very much I love where I live and how excited I was about getting healthy and planting my garden this spring....
Well here I sit... We have until the 4th to move.... It was hard to breath at first.. If I don't catch myself I really start to become angry.. I want to scream.... I don't understand how this happened.. How could he think he was sparing me by keeping this from me until now... How tired he must have become to live this lie for so long.... I will be packing up the pc tomorrow.. The kids seem to be having a problem packing and then playin on the pc... I figure if I pack it they won't have a problem huh? Everything goes into storage Saturday....At this point we haven't found a place.. I really am just too sick to do anything but pack.... I will be back... Thank you all for your grace for me.... I will see you in a few weeks I hope!


My name is Martina, I have problems....
Peace~

Live another day!

I want to be a Daisy blowing in the wild, bending to the mighty forces of heaven, swaying with the rhythm of the breeze.... Looking to the sky..... Breathing deep, reaching further.....extending my petals to tomorrow....

I am home.....2 weeks man, I wasn't down w/ that... I will indeed try my very hardest not to go into a rage about walking into the front door and seeing my kitchen and bathroom.... The up note everyone is safe and was taken care of... I will even keep my bearings about the food budget being doubled for the time I was gone.... The up again, is my freezer is still full of stuff to defrost and make these next few weeks while I recover... Not that they care they all went into some sort of processed food binge while I was away and homemade healthy food might just kill them....

Ok on to the surgery.....

Obviously I am alive!

My stats.. Two weeks before surgery I weighed in @ 434.

Day of surgery I weighed in @ 418 with a loss of 16 lbs..

16 lbs in less then 2 weeks is wild huh? That diet SUCKED!

As of my week out weight.... DRUM ROLL PLEASE....

I dropped a whopping 18 lbs in one week, the first 3 days I dropped 5 lbs then the last 4 days 13 lbs just fell off.... Shut up !!! I know huh?

The surgery itself was 2 hours long, I had to have surgery before that was an hour and 1/2 they had to put some sort of filter inside my hum.. well beside my business, and my inner right upper thigh.. Free Brazilian out of it OUCH!

Brian was able to bring Oz back to kiss me one more time and to say our love yous. Damn, that sucked I talked to the kids at home and then my Pastor and his wife came back and prayed over me.. No, I am not so important that they drove all the way to Anchorage for just me.. They were already in town... Geesh! ;) My Dr then came and prayed over me and his staff... I came out very sick, but that is normal... I must say the worst part of all of that was they kept giving me heparin for blood clots and I was on my cycle, Just imagine that.. Drag man.... The morphine pen I had rocked until I figured out I was allergic.. The itching made me nuts! I had done so well... Because of all my wonderful praying friends that I didn't even have to stay the second night... I know I was diggin that!

Well until that night in the hotel.... I woke up very sick.. Very scared... I had a huge panic attack.. What if God wouldn't forgive me for messing up my body, changing my insides from what he had created me.. What if I did this just to be thin... Not really to be healthy.. What if a clot gets me and I die and my children are left all alone because I was soo very selfish... Oh My Lord the What ifs took over and I was over whelmed with despair... Come to find out, my pain meds they had givin me were tripping me all out.... It was a rough night.. Poor Poor Austin... The next night wasn't much better lots of throwing up and crying.. Scared..... I went to the hospital the next day... Had the most amazing experience w/ the nursing staff and left knowing that I was in control... Throwing up was no longer an option.... My mind had to catch up w/ my decision flat bottom truth get it together Martina.. And I did! I didn't throw up after that I didn't have those dreams telling me I wasn't worth being better.. I had been so fearful for asking for help because I knew this was an elective surgery and I had elected to take the risk.... Some where in the darkness of fear I heard the Lord say, Have peace.... I knew then that this surgery was more then elective, It was elective in the sense that I decided to have it done, but even more then that I needed to live and needed the surgery to assist in that.. There is where I stayed... In that peace, mind you there were and still are moments I don't know what the hell I am doing... I get sick mostly from eating too fast. My tummy is the size of a golf ball and I love to drink water, crystal light I can't drink before I eat 1 hour at least and after.... But I am always soo thirsty... And I get sick.. It is a weird sick.... I start to sweat, I can feel my food or water right in my throat.. I get all fidgety and scared it won't go away.. I cry and ask God to remind me not to do that again.... Then I do it again....I am getting better though

Wow learning to have grace for myself is surprisingly difficult....

I am home w/ my family, the pigs for better or worse Loving every minute of it!

My back hasn't hurt since surgery and my I can see my feet, even my ankles.. Did you know I had ankles? I know nuts huh?

Much Love to all of you.. No really can I say that again...... You have become a group of women in whom I look to.. Not only look to, but need.. A very humbling moment for me.. I need you ladies so much, as I walk down this road..... Thank you

My name is Martina , and I have problems!

Peace~

Sorry just doesn't seem enough.. I suck sounds sooo much better!

I tried to leave a post on my family blog, But just screwed the pooch instead.. Most of those followers don't know what the hell I am talking about... Listen to me, Like I am a Blog Diva or something huh?
I called my Mum and Dad tonight... Shit, Ya know, I haven't seen my Mum and Dad in 8 years.. That my friend is too too long to go.... They are excited, scared... everything for me..... They have been on this road of mine from the beginning.. Funny, how I forget that..Seems that when you're a Mum yourself it gets harder to remember that you yourself have a Mum and Dad.... When I started putting on weight, my poor Mum tried so very hard to help.. I would just cry, Why oh Why can't I have what my brothers ate.... Through it all now I know, Now I understand.. I look @ my children and dream for them, even bigger then they themselves dream.


Do you think that they know I am doing this so I can watch them succeed . So I can be around celebrating w/ them comforting them.... Teaching them, learning from them.... Josh told me.. Mum, Please don't do this... At first I was angry.. How could he ask me not to do this.. Doesn't he know, can't he see? Then it hung over me these last few days... I asked him why he would say that.... He doesn't want me to die... He wants me round, it makes him happy, it comforts him.. He doesn't know me any other way... For so long I haven't been able to go anywhere do anything, I am here always... When he walks through the door he knows I will be here waiting, waiting for him, to tell me his adventures, his stories.. I am here defending him, when he gets into trouble, cooking for him, playing w/ him.... listening to him... I tell him That won't change... I will just be able to do it w/out being in pain... I will be able to go places w/ him..


Then I ask him, Don't you want me to be able to do the things that I didn't get to do w/ you or your sister? You guys missed out on so much..... Man, the look on his face... You know the look, maybe you don't.. The why the hell do you care about that now Look, The So we have to risk you dying so Oz can have a better childhood look...

When I was pregnant w/ Oz.. there was a lot of issues.. Because we live so far from the specialists I had to stay my last trimester up in Anchorage.. Because of that I had to farm the kids out and Josh had to go to Oregon to stay w/ his dad.. He was not happy w/ us, w/ me... Then when I gave birth to Oz and after I had been able to come home.. I had to be medivac back to Anchorage in a jet because I had a blood clot in my lung.. I came very close to dying.. I again had to stay in Anchorage for a week.. In this surgery the death rate due to blood clots is a huge risk.... Josh thinks that there should have been a vote some where in all of this... He thinks if I am gone.. Who would take care of him when his Cp puts him in a wheelchair....
Damnit.... Ok I have to stop.... This is getting me no where..... Don't even get me started, on Chauni and her wedding this summer.. Or Brian thinking I might leave him after I am skinny.. If I have to hear that statistic one more time I might scream.

Man, what a flippin complainer I am....
Thank you to all who made it to the end of this rant! Thank you for all of your prayers..... I do feel them.. I do know that God is in control.... Not me Thank God huh!

My name is Martina, and man do I have problems!

My kids are trying to kill me!

Thank all of you for doing my six strange things......

I went to see my Wls doctor on Wen this last week.. I lost 6 pounds in just a few short weeks.. But have at least 4 more to go! I'm not sure if I will do it.. I suck! These last few days I have just been so low... Too low to even blog about it....I stopped taking my lexipro for about a week and man it kicked my ass... My Son Josh, is kicking my ass as well... He has drastic mood swings, where the most evil things come outta his mouth.. Always directed @ me... For I am the reason his life is Stupid, awful, boring, and lame!!! HEEHEE typing that makes me laugh! I don't know why, but it does! Josh took Chaunis car this Thursday and wrapped it around a telephone poll.. He had one of the other boys w/ him.. He called me screaming and hyperventilating.. The most terrifying phone call a mum could ever get..... They are ok.. Just by a miracle.... The car on the other hand the airbags blew right in the boys faces bruising them up pretty bad... The radiator was broke right in half, the engine pushed up into the dash and well lets just say the front is a mess... The worst part about all of this.. Chauni is gone at a conference up in Anchorage... I didn't have the heart to call her and tell her what had happened.... She comes in today.. Expecting me to pick her up w/ her car.... I am heartsick.. I don't know how to tell her, her first car she bought and paid for all by herself is totalled... She love her car as any 18 year old girl would... My son now will not be able to get his licence until he is 21.... Which is a small price to pay compared to killing himself or someone else is... But telling a 16 year old he can't drive till he is 21 is a gnarly conversation.... Growing up and paying the piper sucks.... I need to get so much done in just a short week .

Brian is still insistent on moving this month.. I am secretly still very angry... I try to be positive.. BUT... I am still pissed off! I have started my spring planting here in the house and when I am pissed scared overwhelmed I cook, plant and sew.. You should see my dinning room.. Soil, thread and canning jars filled w/ jams, sauces, cheese... I am slipping outta touch w/ everyone... And scared as hell about it! The kids and I planted wheat grass for their Easter baskets and the grass came up so nice..I have to go juice some now.. It sucks that wheat grass doesn't keep but a moment after you juice it.... I guess I'll just drink a gallon of it today.... LOOK OUT BATHROOM~

wordless Wednesday~

Tagged! 6 things you don't know about me!

Jacky over @ Count My Abundant Blessings tagged me for 6 weird things you might not know about me... Thank Goodness I have 6 followers huh?

1. I once went all winter w/out shaving my armpits to see if I could do it... Man, I was one smelly cat!




2. I don't use toilet paper or store bought sanitary napkins.. I have have a system in place in my bathroom to use cloth everything... My family refuses to do it....




3. I sing all the time, I wake myself up sometimes singing.....




4. I only have dreams of the end of the world.... Where I help everyone I can, w/ all my pantry items!




5. Sometimes when I hurt too bad to walk to the recycle bins, I throw recycled stuff in the regular trash, then wake up in the middle of the night and dig them outta the trash, because I am soo sad that I threw them in the wrong garbage..




6. I am afraid that when I lose all of my weight, that I will still be lazy... I am afraid that I am just lazy and blame the fat...

I tag all of my readers.. don't go and make me link all of you....

I hope after you read all that that you are still my followers!

My bones are tired.... I think I will bury them in the snow

Well I went mad crazy... I chopped off all of my hair.... No Really I did it myself.... No I don't cut hair, never have.... I just took the scissors and started hacking away..... I cut about 14 inches off.... I couldn't brush it anymore.. With my arthritis and bursitis in my right shoulder it makes it so hard to brush long hair.... I am diggin it though... Not even close to being straight that makes me extra happy... I love looking just a bit off... Makes me smile!

My appt is coming up on the 1st.... I have my physical and history to get ready for surgery on the 13.... I am supposed to be on my diet... But today I sucked at it.... I however have not smoked my 1 a day cig since Sat... Not as hard as I thought it would be.. I know that everyday I have great friends praying for me and believe me you I can feel it...... Deep breath here.......

I don't have much to say tonight I am tired, but can't sleep... I canned up 6 quarts of homemade spaghetti sauce I will blog that on my other blog.. I also made other things a cranberry/ orange cake.. strawberry muffins and 6 loaves of banana bread and two loaves of french bread.. I am tired.. But Brian needs things to eat when I am gone.. I have made tamales and put them in the freezer. 5 loaves of wheat bread and strawberry freezer jam is next.... I have a couple more soups to freeze and one or two more batches of taco meat to put up and he should be good to go for a week...... Ugggg I am just rambling now!

My name is Martina and I have a few problems!

Shut up wordless Wedensday SHUT UP!

I have been up since around 4 a.m. I can't sleep.. too much on my mind.... Too much needs to be done! I have surgery in a few weeks! YIKES.. CRAP!! DAMN!!! Let me tell you that was cleaned up.. I have a few other adjectives but I will save them for my personal journal I keep under my pillow!

Every year I get my hair cut in April..Yes only once a year people... Don't like strangers that close to me... I know shut up! I donate my hair to Locks of Love and call it a day! Last year I hated my haircut... It was awful.. But hair does grow back.. So here I am this year... I am going pretty short .. I will be down for a few weeks and thought why not.. It will be so much easier to handle .. I have always loved long hair, seems the older I get it is kinda a drag.... But my fat face in short hair make me look like crap.. SO I figure if I get it cut now, by surgery day I might be used to it a little more....

Enough about that True confession time....

One of the rules and requirements of Weight Loss surgery is that you can't smoke...

I smoke 1 cig a day 2 one the weekends.. I have for about a year now.. I can go a few days then I just want one.. I have gone 4 days now because I know that they might check to see if I smoked anything.... If they suspect I have then I don't get surgery.... What the hell is wrong w/ me I have been jumping thru hoops for 2 years now.. Why can't I just stop.. For Godsakes man!!!

WEll like I said it has been 4 days... UHGGG!

I asked Brian to bring home something to drink.. You know, some stuff for a fuzzle Navel or two...

I am not a drinker, never really have been, but I was thinkin a few drinks and I would be good to go huh? No! I take a few sips and think.. CRAP, talk about addiction transfer.. That's what the Dr. says Will happen after surgery if I am not careful... Can't have food so people turn to other things.... Maybe this self sabotage is the battle I will always fight..

My name is Martina and I have a few problems....

wordless Wednesday~

thoughts and struggles~

Man, I look at myself.. I try to see the woman in my mind in this picture... Who is she.... How can I have gotten so Fat.... So far from the person in my mind... I want to cry... Wait... I am crying....

I used to pray to God, Please just let me wake up not hurting anywhere.. If I didn't hurt I could just move and lose weight.... It never happened.... I also prayed that somehow, somewhere there would be a miracle.. That I could maybe someday.... Move like I

used to... It took very little time to get this big, time on a calender that is..... It took many many years from my soul......

It's funny as a child you never think you'll grow up and be the fattest person you know.... I want to tie my shoes.. I want to walk while I hold Oz... I want... I want..... I need to dance... I need to lay in the sun.. I need to do all the things that cause my spirit to be alive... Not hide in shame because I don't want my children made fun of... Hide in shame because I don't want Brian to have to hold my hand in public... We get to the trail....

.. In my mind I scream OH GOD! How am I going to make it down.... Everyone around me laughing and bouncing about... Then I feel him behind me, I feel his soft touch.... Reaching for me, he smiles and gently takes my arm... He once again leads me forward.... The wave of fear is gone.... He never says a word.. He doesn't ask if I need help... He just does.... Does what he always does.... Saves me from my mind most of all...

I was approved and have a date!

I received the phone call I have been waiting for the last few years for... I received it after I got the call that my friend Beth died... I didn't feel like getting on here and being excited.... I guess I waited so long for this date, that when it finally came I was kinda numb...

I go up the 1 for some testing and then the 10 for my final stuff.. We will get a hotel for the weekend and then Sunday night I go into the hospital for surgery prep.. Monday I have surgery, stay in the hospital for two days.. I then have to go to a hotel and stay 8 more days in the city.. Then they release me to come home if there are no problems.. I don't for see any problems.. Austin and Chauni are going to stay w/ me while I am up there for the 8 days.. SO I can have Oz near me... Brian and Josh will stay home packing for our move....

Brian has agreed to keep the property.. I will be making the house payments, after I start back up to work... I haven't worked for almost 3 years now.. It's been weird to stay at home.. I miss working though! We keep the property so I can still have my garden. SO I can still keep my yard.... We haven't rented for awhile now.. I don't want to go back to renting, but Brian wants to so I guess we will.... As long as I get to keep my house in the woods I don't care I guess!

Does my ass make my face look fat?

This is how I pose w/ Oz now... Behind him, or face shots... All these are from last year he is much bigger now.. I want to have lots of pictures w/ Oz I haven't any w/ the other kids.. Too ashamed of how I look.. That is why I can do this DIET I am going to remind myself every moment if I have to about all the great things to come... I CAN DO THIS!



Well it is OHFISHL (I know... I know... but that spelling makes me happy so shut up!) I now know EXACTLY Why I amm soo DAMN FAT One Day on my DIET and I SUCK! and measuring food When you're hungry is a DRAG
I have learned that I need more protein in the morning then the evening.... Maybe it's just the idea of something I can chew... Drinking my breakfast makes me mad!
This morning I took some of the supper I made last night it was to be honest I didn't weigh so I'm guessing around 3 oz of chicken = 0 carbs 1/2 cp of re fried beans = 15 carbs - 5 for fiber = 10. 1 tablespoon of Brians salsa con questa = 1 carb. 11 carbs, 2.5 fat and 19.70 of protein for breakfast..
I am thinking that I will post the day after to just add up what I have eaten that day... I have a food journal to write all of this in as well... I have had 25 fl oz of water too so far... UUUUG!

AND, it begins....

This is how I feel... Freedom, just beyond the trees....
Brian took these last spring! I love them Eagles remind me of Freedom!



OH My My My...
I can't contain my Joy... I am sooo frickin excited.... I knew that I would be approved for WLS, that I was never worried about.. The time it takes for the insurance company to get back to the Dr. is insane. I got the call yesterday... Less then a week and I am approved! The Office wanted to know when was a good time for me to have surgery... LOL A good time for me to have surgery, ME! SURGERY! WEll ummm, YEAH! NOW NOW NOW Wait.. I haven't been on my two week diet yet... UUUUG! No problem, she says.. We can put you on the surgery schedule. Christy will call you and we will get the date set up... Holy Crap, that easy... thats all.. I have been jumping thru hoops for over a year and it's that easy? I still have to lose 10 lbs.. More then likely.. I have gained a few pounds.... HELP ME!
OK This diet is not so bad...
Carbohydrates ~ NO MORE THEN 30 grams a day
Protein ~ @lest 80 grams
Fat ~ no more then 60 grams
I have the protein thing down.. I drink soy protein 30 grams per shake. I have 3 of them a day. 130 calories .05 carbs..
AND lots of water.. I get so much water in I am floating.... I will start posting my meals tomorrow....
Here I go... My life is changing... BREATHE Martina BREATHE

FINALLY~~ Goes to insuance for a date!

Well the Dr. called and it is all finally done.. Only 2 years and 4 months later.... the first 7 months was due to my Dr not sending the report to the weight loss office. I should have known then and changed Dr. huh? I didn't tho and then she messed up and 3 months of my weigh ins putting me behind another 3 months... Alas, all is well and the insurance could take up to 3 weeks to decided if they think I need this surgery... Crap, you'd have to be deaf and blind not to see that I am dying slowly... Ok enough on that..



That was by far the best news I have had in a few days, right? Brian tells me this last week that we need to sit down and have a family meeting that Saturday... I ask about what and he tells me he has everything written down and if I could wait till the kids where there he would fill me in... Well my first responds was ok, fine.. Whatever.... The next day I poked and poked, He gave up nothing.. Well Saturday came and the kids were all gone. I forgot about it... Then... Sunday morning, He told me.... He can't live here anymore.. This house, here, this far.... outside of town... It is killing him... He stared to cry.. Not just little tears, but chest raising tears... It broke my heart.. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry... I sat there dead... "What?" I think, is all I said...



Move? NOW? No No No yeah No.. I am not moving....
For the whole story on our house please visit my early blogging days over at my myspace.. http://www.myspace.com/blessed_beyond_measure_
They are in my blog page..
Now 3 years later he wants to move.... I spent the first year on my back. The only thing I could do was dream of what this place would someday become. Knowing after my surgery I could plant my garden, can all my own veggies and all my fish... It really was the only thing that kept me going all those -45 nights w/ no water any sort of heat to speak of and don't even get me started on the huny pots!

Anyway....Here are a few pictures of what I see everytime I look out my window in the winter.. How could he want me to leave this? I simply can't

Dreaming of this time next year!

I can't hardly believe that in a few short weeks I will have my surgery and the person I have been so desperately trying to forget will be gone in a year... I look into the mirror and see that victim from so many years past.. Not behind my eyes anymore. That shattered woman in the eyes is gone... What remains is the shell she created and inhabited for the last 27 years... Even worse a shell that is breaking and folding under her...
Can you believe it this time next year, my very next Birthday I will be 1/2 the woman I am today!

Road trip~ Dr. visit~

I have to lose 10 lbs before surgery.. Not so bad huh? The appt. went great... I had my favorite Nurse. Her name is Bobby and she weighed the same amount as me and looks amazing 4 years later.... Everything is now in, counting my dang hours on my machine.. I should be getting a call anyday now that everything went into insurance... I am still not getting over the top excited.. I never know, I quess the insurance can still deny me which would be a major drag... I really haven't anything to say right now.. Some blogger I am huh?

Now where did I put those socks?

HEEHEEHEE I can't stop laughing.. I'm all by myself.. I know it nuts to keep laughing but dang this is soo flippin' funny...So allow me to set up this story. It is very cold outside maybe -5 right now.. That being said, it is very cold inside about 56 degrees ...don't ask... Oz was running around w/out socks on the other morning.. Trying to get him to stand still for any length of time is up surd.. I always lose his socks trying to catch him... It was so cold in the house that I thought I'd kill two birds so to speak.... Get them warm and not lose them, while I dog piled him to the floor.... So....I lifted up my hummm well my.. yeah.. ya know,my, yep, that's right my BOOB. One at a time and placed his little ity bity socks under them.... Well...... the the phone rang, the dog needed out, my tea pot was whistling, Josh needed a shirt, Brian needed a hand and well Chauni just babbled too long to me about nothing... I totally forgot where I put his socks.... Found him another pair and went about my business.... A few hours later I was fixing my bra. It was itching me.... I am ashamed to say.... There was those ity bity socks right where I had left them.. Toasty warm and waiting for some little Oz toogs

Lose 20 get 50

I talked to my WL Doc.. Today... I am soo excited. I have an appt the 10th in Anchorage Oh My Lord I can't wait... The boys and I have started our protein shakes in the morning.. It's been fun... On the 1st we all get weighed and the games begin.. I have the whole family in on this.. The first one to lose 20 lbs gets a 50 bucks to Gottschalkes.
They are all very excited even Sugapie who wants to lose some weight before the wedding...
I have gained 8 pounds since May.. WEll truth be told I have lost and gained the same 8 lbs since May.. I do although have to lose it before I can have the surgery.. I am not worried tho. The protein diet we all start the 1st will drop that 8lbs and more...
I can't decided if I want to cut my hair before surgery or wait until I have lost 100 pounds... I know I will wait tho, because I hate hate hate getting my hair cut..... Ok that was a random thought huh....
I really don't have much to say until the surgery is all signed and sealed.... Perhaps, I'll just wait till then to post another post...
~M~

A New Normal~

Welcome to the many faces of Josh~ Oh yeah and Hair Do's too!

My son, Josh, the 15 year old. As long as I can remember has had problems walking, trippin' over himself, no flexibility what so ever in his lower body... I thought it was weird, but just assumed he was lazy and didn't pick up his feet.. He also grew like 5 inches in one summer, his feet went from a size 9 in the 5th grade to a size 13 over the summer... He would complain about "growing pains", I would give him a hot bath and some Motrin and call it good. He never sat down to eat or do his school work, His legs would shake too much... The older he has become the tougher things seem to be getting. Cold weather, walking on ice, these things seem to cause him unbearable pain.. Now his knees knock so bad he has to concentrate on not falling down. His ankles now touch when he walks and his leg shake uncontrollably. He didn't want to go to the Dr. about any of this until this last summer... Well the tests are in and Josh has been diagnosed with CP. A diagnoses that normally comes at birth or soon there after.
A person would think that working w/ so many clients that had this diagnoses for the last several years, I would have picked up on this.
Well I had my pity party, kicked my own ass.. Relived some shitty moments in my past. A moment I would like to erase.
When I asked God to help me. When I closed my eyes and whipped the tears, in a sweet moment of peace. The hatred, the guilt, the"what ifs", The "why Me's", All of it left... there was just my crying son, weak, afraid, and looking to me for comfort.... A small boy in my head and heart a 1/2 grown man with far too many years of age upon his body. His head on my shoulder, his tears on my heart... We went to see Brian first. They came out and Josh walked away. Brian told me that Josh fell into his arms and cried... A moment in my memory I will always turn to...
So many more of those moments to reflect on, appear in my mind now... Washing away the tormenting ones that have for so long dictated my life...
I see the unspoken questions in Josh's mind.... I have the same ones..... How long will I be able to walk. How long Mom, can I just be some sort of normal?
I heard once from a friend after her son died... That when something happens that turns everything up side down.... When normal can't be found, It's time to find a new normal.. That is our journey now.. A new normal...

All down hill from here~

Chauni took this pic a few weeks ago I thought my cold sore looked extra festive that day~

I know It has been forever since I have been here... I really don't allow myself to write when I am going thru things... Maybe something I learned as a child, No evidence left behind kinda thing.... Tomorrow is my last weigh in. I was already supposed to be done, but my Evil Pc in ALL her glory MESSED up on 2 of my weigh ins and WALLA..... I needed 2 more months.. I try really hard not to wish she gets hit by a truck! Now it's all so close to being done....


Crap, I am soo tired of waiting. I am soo tired of kissing asses and shutting my mouth when all I want to do is scream....


Anyone going thru any sort of insurance approval knows my plight.... Stand up, sit down, run in circles until you are so pissed off and tired you just give up..... I am there... I still have to go to 2 meeting in Anchorage before the send to insurance for final approval...


My back has been out for about 3 weeks.. It is slowly getting better. I still can't walk upright.. I look like a little old lady walking around all hunched over shuffling my feet.. I still have to sit down to wash dishes and vacuum. Which makes me just cry most days.. I do see the light at the end of the tunnel, I do..... The tunnel just seems so frickin far away today...


I started a new blog this last week. Things that I do w/ the family and around the house... I wanted this blog to just be about my feeling about everything to do w/ my weight loss. Well feeling about my life.. It is hard enough for me to open up here. I didn't want to mix the two. I must warn you this blog really is more about my head and heart, the other one just for fun really~