Thursday, April 9, 2009

Sorry just doesn't seem enough.. I suck sounds sooo much better!

I tried to leave a post on my family blog, But just screwed the pooch instead.. Most of those followers don't know what the hell I am talking about... Listen to me, Like I am a Blog Diva or something huh?
I called my Mum and Dad tonight... Shit, Ya know, I haven't seen my Mum and Dad in 8 years.. That my friend is too too long to go.... They are excited, scared... everything for me..... They have been on this road of mine from the beginning.. Funny, how I forget that..Seems that when you're a Mum yourself it gets harder to remember that you yourself have a Mum and Dad.... When I started putting on weight, my poor Mum tried so very hard to help.. I would just cry, Why oh Why can't I have what my brothers ate.... Through it all now I know, Now I understand.. I look @ my children and dream for them, even bigger then they themselves dream.

Do you think that they know I am doing this so I can watch them succeed . So I can be around celebrating w/ them comforting them.... Teaching them, learning from them.... Josh told me.. Mum, Please don't do this... At first I was angry.. How could he ask me not to do this.. Doesn't he know, can't he see? Then it hung over me these last few days... I asked him why he would say that.... He doesn't want me to die... He wants me round, it makes him happy, it comforts him.. He doesn't know me any other way... For so long I haven't been able to go anywhere do anything, I am here always... When he walks through the door he knows I will be here waiting, waiting for him, to tell me his adventures, his stories.. I am here defending him, when he gets into trouble, cooking for him, playing w/ him.... listening to him... I tell him That won't change... I will just be able to do it w/out being in pain... I will be able to go places w/ him..

Then I ask him, Don't you want me to be able to do the things that I didn't get to do w/ you or your sister? You guys missed out on so much..... Man, the look on his face... You know the look, maybe you don't.. The why the hell do you care about that now Look, The So we have to risk you dying so Oz can have a better childhood look...

When I was pregnant w/ Oz.. there was a lot of issues.. Because we live so far from the specialists I had to stay my last trimester up in Anchorage.. Because of that I had to farm the kids out and Josh had to go to Oregon to stay w/ his dad.. He was not happy w/ us, w/ me... Then when I gave birth to Oz and after I had been able to come home.. I had to be medivac back to Anchorage in a jet because I had a blood clot in my lung.. I came very close to dying.. I again had to stay in Anchorage for a week.. In this surgery the death rate due to blood clots is a huge risk.... Josh thinks that there should have been a vote some where in all of this... He thinks if I am gone.. Who would take care of him when his Cp puts him in a wheelchair....
Damnit.... Ok I have to stop.... This is getting me no where..... Don't even get me started, on Chauni and her wedding this summer.. Or Brian thinking I might leave him after I am skinny.. If I have to hear that statistic one more time I might scream.

Man, what a flippin complainer I am....
Thank you to all who made it to the end of this rant! Thank you for all of your prayers..... I do feel them.. I do know that God is in control.... Not me Thank God huh!

My name is Martina, and man do I have problems!


  1. I understand your kids fears. I know you will be alright. I have been praying and praying for you.
    Just know that I love you and you will be alright.

    I don't think you are any different than the rest of us.

    my name is Robyn and I have problems too!

  2. SO MANY of your thoughts have run through my own head in the past. I admire your courage for havinag this surgery. I wish I had the courage. Hang in there, your kids will understand soon.

  3. You have the love of your family and friends Martina to support you through this...their fears come from that love...we all need to rant feel free to do so!

  4. This is your space and you let it flow, suga! Stay strong and brave and your babies will see that and know deep down they should do the same! You're in my thoughts...

  5. are more normal than you think!!! I am here for you and I know you'll never me...LOL...keep smiling baby!

  6. It's all going to be okay sista girl. Just have loads of faith and turn it over to the Big Guy... Lord know's that's what I do. I can't handle the absurditie's of life on my own.
    And you DO NOY suck!!! Please don't be so hard on are just a sweetheart :)
    (I'm soooo hard on myself as well...much harder than anyone else is. I can find a flaw in anything I do if I look for just a split second)

    Steady On SugaMama (Reigning Ms. Cuga 2009
    Reggie Girl

  7. Kind thoughts are being sent your way. I hope things go well for you.