wordless Wednesday~

Tagged! 6 things you don't know about me!

Jacky over @ Count My Abundant Blessings tagged me for 6 weird things you might not know about me... Thank Goodness I have 6 followers huh?

1. I once went all winter w/out shaving my armpits to see if I could do it... Man, I was one smelly cat!




2. I don't use toilet paper or store bought sanitary napkins.. I have have a system in place in my bathroom to use cloth everything... My family refuses to do it....




3. I sing all the time, I wake myself up sometimes singing.....




4. I only have dreams of the end of the world.... Where I help everyone I can, w/ all my pantry items!




5. Sometimes when I hurt too bad to walk to the recycle bins, I throw recycled stuff in the regular trash, then wake up in the middle of the night and dig them outta the trash, because I am soo sad that I threw them in the wrong garbage..




6. I am afraid that when I lose all of my weight, that I will still be lazy... I am afraid that I am just lazy and blame the fat...

I tag all of my readers.. don't go and make me link all of you....

I hope after you read all that that you are still my followers!

My bones are tired.... I think I will bury them in the snow

Well I went mad crazy... I chopped off all of my hair.... No Really I did it myself.... No I don't cut hair, never have.... I just took the scissors and started hacking away..... I cut about 14 inches off.... I couldn't brush it anymore.. With my arthritis and bursitis in my right shoulder it makes it so hard to brush long hair.... I am diggin it though... Not even close to being straight that makes me extra happy... I love looking just a bit off... Makes me smile!

My appt is coming up on the 1st.... I have my physical and history to get ready for surgery on the 13.... I am supposed to be on my diet... But today I sucked at it.... I however have not smoked my 1 a day cig since Sat... Not as hard as I thought it would be.. I know that everyday I have great friends praying for me and believe me you I can feel it...... Deep breath here.......

I don't have much to say tonight I am tired, but can't sleep... I canned up 6 quarts of homemade spaghetti sauce I will blog that on my other blog.. I also made other things a cranberry/ orange cake.. strawberry muffins and 6 loaves of banana bread and two loaves of french bread.. I am tired.. But Brian needs things to eat when I am gone.. I have made tamales and put them in the freezer. 5 loaves of wheat bread and strawberry freezer jam is next.... I have a couple more soups to freeze and one or two more batches of taco meat to put up and he should be good to go for a week...... Ugggg I am just rambling now!

My name is Martina and I have a few problems!

Shut up wordless Wedensday SHUT UP!

I have been up since around 4 a.m. I can't sleep.. too much on my mind.... Too much needs to be done! I have surgery in a few weeks! YIKES.. CRAP!! DAMN!!! Let me tell you that was cleaned up.. I have a few other adjectives but I will save them for my personal journal I keep under my pillow!

Every year I get my hair cut in April..Yes only once a year people... Don't like strangers that close to me... I know shut up! I donate my hair to Locks of Love and call it a day! Last year I hated my haircut... It was awful.. But hair does grow back.. So here I am this year... I am going pretty short .. I will be down for a few weeks and thought why not.. It will be so much easier to handle .. I have always loved long hair, seems the older I get it is kinda a drag.... But my fat face in short hair make me look like crap.. SO I figure if I get it cut now, by surgery day I might be used to it a little more....

Enough about that True confession time....

One of the rules and requirements of Weight Loss surgery is that you can't smoke...

I smoke 1 cig a day 2 one the weekends.. I have for about a year now.. I can go a few days then I just want one.. I have gone 4 days now because I know that they might check to see if I smoked anything.... If they suspect I have then I don't get surgery.... What the hell is wrong w/ me I have been jumping thru hoops for 2 years now.. Why can't I just stop.. For Godsakes man!!!

WEll like I said it has been 4 days... UHGGG!

I asked Brian to bring home something to drink.. You know, some stuff for a fuzzle Navel or two...

I am not a drinker, never really have been, but I was thinkin a few drinks and I would be good to go huh? No! I take a few sips and think.. CRAP, talk about addiction transfer.. That's what the Dr. says Will happen after surgery if I am not careful... Can't have food so people turn to other things.... Maybe this self sabotage is the battle I will always fight..

My name is Martina and I have a few problems....

wordless Wednesday~

thoughts and struggles~

Man, I look at myself.. I try to see the woman in my mind in this picture... Who is she.... How can I have gotten so Fat.... So far from the person in my mind... I want to cry... Wait... I am crying....

I used to pray to God, Please just let me wake up not hurting anywhere.. If I didn't hurt I could just move and lose weight.... It never happened.... I also prayed that somehow, somewhere there would be a miracle.. That I could maybe someday.... Move like I

used to... It took very little time to get this big, time on a calender that is..... It took many many years from my soul......

It's funny as a child you never think you'll grow up and be the fattest person you know.... I want to tie my shoes.. I want to walk while I hold Oz... I want... I want..... I need to dance... I need to lay in the sun.. I need to do all the things that cause my spirit to be alive... Not hide in shame because I don't want my children made fun of... Hide in shame because I don't want Brian to have to hold my hand in public... We get to the trail....

.. In my mind I scream OH GOD! How am I going to make it down.... Everyone around me laughing and bouncing about... Then I feel him behind me, I feel his soft touch.... Reaching for me, he smiles and gently takes my arm... He once again leads me forward.... The wave of fear is gone.... He never says a word.. He doesn't ask if I need help... He just does.... Does what he always does.... Saves me from my mind most of all...

I was approved and have a date!

I received the phone call I have been waiting for the last few years for... I received it after I got the call that my friend Beth died... I didn't feel like getting on here and being excited.... I guess I waited so long for this date, that when it finally came I was kinda numb...

I go up the 1 for some testing and then the 10 for my final stuff.. We will get a hotel for the weekend and then Sunday night I go into the hospital for surgery prep.. Monday I have surgery, stay in the hospital for two days.. I then have to go to a hotel and stay 8 more days in the city.. Then they release me to come home if there are no problems.. I don't for see any problems.. Austin and Chauni are going to stay w/ me while I am up there for the 8 days.. SO I can have Oz near me... Brian and Josh will stay home packing for our move....

Brian has agreed to keep the property.. I will be making the house payments, after I start back up to work... I haven't worked for almost 3 years now.. It's been weird to stay at home.. I miss working though! We keep the property so I can still have my garden. SO I can still keep my yard.... We haven't rented for awhile now.. I don't want to go back to renting, but Brian wants to so I guess we will.... As long as I get to keep my house in the woods I don't care I guess!

Does my ass make my face look fat?

This is how I pose w/ Oz now... Behind him, or face shots... All these are from last year he is much bigger now.. I want to have lots of pictures w/ Oz I haven't any w/ the other kids.. Too ashamed of how I look.. That is why I can do this DIET I am going to remind myself every moment if I have to about all the great things to come... I CAN DO THIS!



Well it is OHFISHL (I know... I know... but that spelling makes me happy so shut up!) I now know EXACTLY Why I amm soo DAMN FAT One Day on my DIET and I SUCK! and measuring food When you're hungry is a DRAG
I have learned that I need more protein in the morning then the evening.... Maybe it's just the idea of something I can chew... Drinking my breakfast makes me mad!
This morning I took some of the supper I made last night it was to be honest I didn't weigh so I'm guessing around 3 oz of chicken = 0 carbs 1/2 cp of re fried beans = 15 carbs - 5 for fiber = 10. 1 tablespoon of Brians salsa con questa = 1 carb. 11 carbs, 2.5 fat and 19.70 of protein for breakfast..
I am thinking that I will post the day after to just add up what I have eaten that day... I have a food journal to write all of this in as well... I have had 25 fl oz of water too so far... UUUUG!

AND, it begins....

This is how I feel... Freedom, just beyond the trees....
Brian took these last spring! I love them Eagles remind me of Freedom!



OH My My My...
I can't contain my Joy... I am sooo frickin excited.... I knew that I would be approved for WLS, that I was never worried about.. The time it takes for the insurance company to get back to the Dr. is insane. I got the call yesterday... Less then a week and I am approved! The Office wanted to know when was a good time for me to have surgery... LOL A good time for me to have surgery, ME! SURGERY! WEll ummm, YEAH! NOW NOW NOW Wait.. I haven't been on my two week diet yet... UUUUG! No problem, she says.. We can put you on the surgery schedule. Christy will call you and we will get the date set up... Holy Crap, that easy... thats all.. I have been jumping thru hoops for over a year and it's that easy? I still have to lose 10 lbs.. More then likely.. I have gained a few pounds.... HELP ME!
OK This diet is not so bad...
Carbohydrates ~ NO MORE THEN 30 grams a day
Protein ~ @lest 80 grams
Fat ~ no more then 60 grams
I have the protein thing down.. I drink soy protein 30 grams per shake. I have 3 of them a day. 130 calories .05 carbs..
AND lots of water.. I get so much water in I am floating.... I will start posting my meals tomorrow....
Here I go... My life is changing... BREATHE Martina BREATHE