Just for me

My mom called the other day.. I haven't spoken to her since I was 15... Her sisters keep calling me.. The last few months trying to get me to talk to her. I have told them time and again leave me alone.. I have nothing to say.. To her... to them... Then they started leaving me notes on my space..
Who am I? Why am I?
All my little life I heard how my mother was a whore, her mother a whore as well.. She poisoned my brother, locked us in closets.. I couldn't take a bath for years because of my fear of water.... I still can't put my head under water in the shower.. Who am I? Why am I ? The stories are scattered through out my mind.. Which ones have I imagined, which ones have I added to? Did he lie to us... Does he fear our finding out? Can I talk to him about it will he get angry? DO I not talk to her because I am scared that I will make him sad.

When I was pregnant w/ Chanui I was 20.. I had nightmares all the time that I would be a bad mom, that somehow I wouldn't love Chauni because my mother didn't love me.. I was tortured w/ the idea that I would never be anything more then a whore and that I could never be...
I call Joey every time one of them calls and asks for his #. He has always told me to tell them to leave him alone... I spoke to him last night... He wants to talk to her.. Ask her so many questions.. He is afraid to hurt my feelings.. He didn't want me to know that he wants to speak to her. He had his wife tell me first.. I just wanted her to shut up I didn't want to talk to her.. He has her on speaker.. I wanted to scream Shut up Let me talk to Joey.. I didn't...
Joey is so sick now.. I don't know how much longer he will live w/out a kidney. I can't give him mine yet.. Josh doesn't match, Dad can't give him his..
What is he to do.. Maybe just maybe one of them can give him a kidney... Joey has lived his whole life thinking he wasn't loved by his mother.. Thinking that she tried to kill him... The stories for him are as shadowed as mine, filled w/ secrets and lies....
I called her last night.. It took me several minutes to open my mouth and speak... I kept swallowing trying to talk but I couldn't it was weird.. She filled the silence w/ too many words I can't remember, and tears so many tears.... I told her, she needs to be careful how she speaks to Joey when he finally talks to her.. She can not speak ill of Dad. I don't care if she tells her side of the story, but Joey doesn't need to be angry at Dad.. Dad told us his version of the truth.. It is not hers but his from a sad angry hurt heart.. Bottom Line.. He raised us well.. WE are strong, independent, smart.... loving people. We have raised amazing children and have honest, caring minds and hearts. I wonder what kind of people we would have been if things had turned out different...
I am not angry... I'm not sure what I am. She said sorry a million times.. I'm not sure for what. I told her I don't care what happened.. I understand that she has a story to tell.. I'm not sure I want to hear it though. Joey on the other hand is ready and willing I believe to hear what she has to say..
Will anything she say change how I feel about myself? Will anything she have to say explain anything about myself? I don't think I feel anything.. When I was speaking to her I didn't cry, i was very calm explaining to her how fragile Joey and his health is... I spoke facts and let her chatter on. In the end she asked me if I could ever have a relationship w/ her... I didn't have an answer.. I still don't.. I don't want to hurt my dad.. I don't want to hurt my mum I have known my whole life... I am curious about my other brother, my cousins, but not overly curious...
I haven't answers, right at this moment I don't even have questions~