old friends, memories... life....

Soo Soo long since I have written anything...


Too Sad... Too Lazy..... Too Everything...


My surgery is coming so fast now... Soon..... I am wanting... waiting... wishing.... wondering..

I have not written in so long, I guess for many reasons... I am not to keen on just "bitching" in a constant stream on paper.. What a drag to have to read a bunch af blahblahblah's. I will, however, leave a small bowl of reason for future reflection.

Home schooling Josh takes from me things I am not sure I am willing to concede. Chauni and her working has been a treat, on the flip side driving her does drain my tank, gas and body..

Oz is growing, changing so much... The more he grows, the more I feel inadequate to be his mother.. I have, as time has past, become a better mother in so many forms.. I however, can't play w/ him at almost any level. My back pain comes and goes, with it a heavy ache in my spirit. I suppose shame is the best word to describe my feelings.... I am so ready for this surgery.. Tonight I have my sleep test I am excited to get it over w/ then my last weigh in on monday and that will be it. All goes to the insurance company to be reviewed and approved!

On to my kitchen.. I have a sink now moved to another wall, giving me a wonderful window..I also have four recycling bins hidden away, but totally accessible oh my I am very happy about my bins... Josh thinks he is funny putting glass in the plastic and newspaper in the tin.... I don't like him.. Although it is funny to see the joy he receives by torturing me.I still don't have my dinning room back.

I think I'll drink wine~

This weekend is the weekend we have set aside to clean the, well you might call it a yard if you define"yard" as the area in front of your dwelling. We have chaos and clutter. I am starting to look like I live at my parents house.. The old stories are true.. Up here in Ak remodeling seems to go on forever.... My kitchen is a wreck my dinning room floor is insane and Don't even get me started on the damn pluming... I want the yard done this weekend. If it kills all involved I really don't care at this point. We have the new fence that Brian got a few months ago and it is still in several piles through out the field of shit.. Josh has his broke down 4 wheeler and the two snow machines just hanging out like there is going to be snow any day. Brian has the boat in the drive way like we have the money to go put her in the river.. Who am I kidding that boat has been in the same spot since last summer when he used it.. This family has something new coming and momma ain't happy! For the last two years I have let everything slide, my house work included... I'm sick and damn tired of all this clutter and chaos! Someone is going down and it's not going to be me!
We get our furniture today after Brian gets off work. I am excited about that.. It's not new but I hear it is nice, I haven't seen it. I am hoping that it doesn't look like crap!
Ok yesterday I had about 350 calories all day.. I did get my water in.. I am sure it is because we really need to go shopping and there just wasn't anything to eat.. Brian and Chauni did do a little shopping yesterday before they came home from work.. So needless to say, I ate like a damn pig... No really I am sure if you would have seen me you might have even gotten sick!
ribs from the deli
two pieces of sushi
handful of grapes
2 veg rice paper wrapped
4 jo jos
3 cinnamon twist (Brian got for Oz)
1 1/2 cup vanilla ice cream
I was so sick! Uggh~
Off to clean frig and make marinade for the Salmon I am smoking Sunday~

Kalidiscope of feelings

I don't want to write today. To be honest I haven't wanted to write in a long time.. So unlike me.. I have a writers spirit.. I have been writing for so many years... Whats wrong w/ me?
Oh Who cares!
I want to sleep.. Sleep Sleep!
My diet is going good! Drag writing everything down... I always forget.. but I am getting about 1000 calories in a day... I am watching everything... I need to up my water.. I don't know whats wrong! I am rebellious I hear...
I want to go outside and the rain just keeps falling.. Today is the first sun we have seen in weeks really... I want to go plant... I miss my flowers, My garden, my house plants! Seems though when you're broke those things are last on the list and what a bummer that is!
Josh and I are ripping out pantry's today both of them taking the wall down and pulling the cabinets off the kitchen walls.. We are getting ready to tile that wall. I hope to have a new sink by the end of next month... Brian is starting the bar/ island this weekend! I can't wait for that. A new range hood.. I will be tiling the counter top on the bar and island this really great pattern that Pat sent over w/ all the tiles he gave us! the kitchen might just be down before the snow flies In all that remodeling we have to go fishing this weekend.. I still haven't gotten enough to can for the winter... What a drag.. I still haven't made all the jams for winter either.. Just never enough time.. I hate that I can't move very well. I hate that most of all...
Surgery can't come fast enough at this point!
I am going to go to sleep now.. Oz is taking a nap I might get to sleep before he wakes up!
Later~