Live another day!

I want to be a Daisy blowing in the wild, bending to the mighty forces of heaven, swaying with the rhythm of the breeze.... Looking to the sky..... Breathing deep, reaching further.....extending my petals to tomorrow....

I am home.....2 weeks man, I wasn't down w/ that... I will indeed try my very hardest not to go into a rage about walking into the front door and seeing my kitchen and bathroom.... The up note everyone is safe and was taken care of... I will even keep my bearings about the food budget being doubled for the time I was gone.... The up again, is my freezer is still full of stuff to defrost and make these next few weeks while I recover... Not that they care they all went into some sort of processed food binge while I was away and homemade healthy food might just kill them....

Ok on to the surgery.....

Obviously I am alive!

My stats.. Two weeks before surgery I weighed in @ 434.

Day of surgery I weighed in @ 418 with a loss of 16 lbs..

16 lbs in less then 2 weeks is wild huh? That diet SUCKED!

As of my week out weight.... DRUM ROLL PLEASE....

I dropped a whopping 18 lbs in one week, the first 3 days I dropped 5 lbs then the last 4 days 13 lbs just fell off.... Shut up !!! I know huh?

The surgery itself was 2 hours long, I had to have surgery before that was an hour and 1/2 they had to put some sort of filter inside my hum.. well beside my business, and my inner right upper thigh.. Free Brazilian out of it OUCH!

Brian was able to bring Oz back to kiss me one more time and to say our love yous. Damn, that sucked I talked to the kids at home and then my Pastor and his wife came back and prayed over me.. No, I am not so important that they drove all the way to Anchorage for just me.. They were already in town... Geesh! ;) My Dr then came and prayed over me and his staff... I came out very sick, but that is normal... I must say the worst part of all of that was they kept giving me heparin for blood clots and I was on my cycle, Just imagine that.. Drag man.... The morphine pen I had rocked until I figured out I was allergic.. The itching made me nuts! I had done so well... Because of all my wonderful praying friends that I didn't even have to stay the second night... I know I was diggin that!

Well until that night in the hotel.... I woke up very sick.. Very scared... I had a huge panic attack.. What if God wouldn't forgive me for messing up my body, changing my insides from what he had created me.. What if I did this just to be thin... Not really to be healthy.. What if a clot gets me and I die and my children are left all alone because I was soo very selfish... Oh My Lord the What ifs took over and I was over whelmed with despair... Come to find out, my pain meds they had givin me were tripping me all out.... It was a rough night.. Poor Poor Austin... The next night wasn't much better lots of throwing up and crying.. Scared..... I went to the hospital the next day... Had the most amazing experience w/ the nursing staff and left knowing that I was in control... Throwing up was no longer an option.... My mind had to catch up w/ my decision flat bottom truth get it together Martina.. And I did! I didn't throw up after that I didn't have those dreams telling me I wasn't worth being better.. I had been so fearful for asking for help because I knew this was an elective surgery and I had elected to take the risk.... Some where in the darkness of fear I heard the Lord say, Have peace.... I knew then that this surgery was more then elective, It was elective in the sense that I decided to have it done, but even more then that I needed to live and needed the surgery to assist in that.. There is where I stayed... In that peace, mind you there were and still are moments I don't know what the hell I am doing... I get sick mostly from eating too fast. My tummy is the size of a golf ball and I love to drink water, crystal light I can't drink before I eat 1 hour at least and after.... But I am always soo thirsty... And I get sick.. It is a weird sick.... I start to sweat, I can feel my food or water right in my throat.. I get all fidgety and scared it won't go away.. I cry and ask God to remind me not to do that again.... Then I do it again....I am getting better though

Wow learning to have grace for myself is surprisingly difficult....

I am home w/ my family, the pigs for better or worse Loving every minute of it!

My back hasn't hurt since surgery and my I can see my feet, even my ankles.. Did you know I had ankles? I know nuts huh?

Much Love to all of you.. No really can I say that again...... You have become a group of women in whom I look to.. Not only look to, but need.. A very humbling moment for me.. I need you ladies so much, as I walk down this road..... Thank you

My name is Martina , and I have problems!

Peace~