Man, I look at myself.. I try to see the woman in my mind in this picture... Who is she.... How can I have gotten so Fat.... So far from the person in my mind... I want to cry... Wait... I am crying.... I used to pray to God, Please just let me wake up not hurting anywhere.. If I didn't hurt I could just move and lose weight.... It never happened.... I also prayed that somehow, somewhere there would be a miracle.. That I could maybe someday.... Move like I
used to... It took very little time to get this big, time on a calender that is..... It took many many years from my soul......
It's funny as a child you never think you'll grow up and be the fattest person you know.... I want to tie my shoes.. I want to walk while I hold Oz... I want... I want..... I need to dance... I need to lay in the sun.. I need to do all the things that cause my spirit to be alive... Not hide in shame because I don't want my children made fun of... Hide in shame because I don't want Brian to have to hold my hand in public... We get to the trail....
.. In my mind I scream OH GOD! How am I going to make it down.... Everyone around me laughing and bouncing about... Then I feel him behind me, I feel his soft touch.... Reaching for me, he smiles and gently takes my arm... He once again leads me forward.... The wave of fear is gone.... He never says a word.. He doesn't ask if I need help... He just does.... Does what he always does.... Saves me from my mind most of all...
First of all I want to say I love you, No matter what! I can somewhat understand your feelings, and I pray that you will have and be what you want. I want to lay in the sun with you, and I surely would do it now! I guess now I'm lost for words, but know I'm here for you!
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel and I am walking this walk with you. No one can understand that we don't WANT to be the way we are.
ReplyDeleteI love you too...one day we will haul ass together and be there to help the others down the hill!
Hi there...I popped over from another blog. I just wanted to say I'm sorry you're hurting but it sounds like you've started on a new journey and I wish you the best.
ReplyDeleteIt feels like you are writing my story. Where does it end ?
ReplyDeleteI'm crying. Honestly. This is beautiful and honest and I thank you for letting me into your life.
ReplyDelete